He’s a Sun Burnout. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of April 7, 2017
Without the sun we’d have to get cancer
elsewhere. First up….
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
The real reason Darth Vader wears a mask is
because of a tanning bed accident.
Luckily, the UV-rays in this sci-fi movie
are emitted from actual suns.
When the Alliance learns the location of
Death Star blueprints that could turn the tide in the resistance, they have an
ex-con (Felicity Jones) and her rag-tag rebels (Diego Luna, Donnie Yen, Alan
Tudyk) infiltrate the Empire’s tropical base and steal them.
Meanwhile, the project-lead (Ben
Mendelsohn), Lord Vader (James Earl Jones) and Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter
Cushing) each vie for credit and control of the colossal mobile laser.
With imposing villains, unscrupulous heroes
and a straightforward story that enters some pretty dark territory, this
stand-alone prequel to a New Hope is not only funnier than any previous Star
Wars movie, but also the most captivating installment since the original
trilogy.
Unfortunately, however, this white sandy
beach episode doesn’t feature any bikini-clad Wookies. Green Light
Monster Trucks
Monsters who drive enormous trucks are just
compensating for having really small tentacles.
The Leviathan in this action-comedy,
however, is unable to move without one.
Brought to the surface via the drill of an
oil company (Rob Lowe, Thomas Lennon) and unable to move due to Earth’s
gravity, cephalopod Creech (Frank Welker) uses a patchwork truck to get around.
When the teenage owner (Lucas Till)
discovers this, he agrees to let Creech live there in exchange for some serious
off-roading. Meanwhile, the oil firm hires a monster-hunter to locate the new
species threatening their project.
Not as terrible as expected, or as hoped,
this family-friendly creature feature from Nickelodeon actually has some merits
in it’s monstrous mash-up - mainly its anti-oil stance and absentee father-son
dynamic. However, these highlights are not enough to forgive the weak premise.
Mind you, monsters driving trucks would be
a refreshing change from assholes driving them.
Yellow Light
Office Christmas Party
The key to surviving any office holiday
party is bringing your lawyer as your plus one.
Unfortunately, none of the employees in
this comedy prepared for sexual harassment.
Intent on throwing his employees (Rob
Corddry, Kate McKinnon) the best office Christmas party in hopes of impressing
a client (Courtney B. Vance) and keeping his branch afloat, party-animal
manager Clay (T. J. Miller) drains his bank account and pulls out all of the
stops.
Meanwhile, his sister - the acting CEO
(Jennifer Aniston) - is headhunting his best people (Josh Parker, Olivia Munn)
for her New York office.
Despite its comedic ensemble cast, this
lump of coal suffers a dearth of laughs, direction and believability. Relying
heavily on party montages and zany characters to propel its patchwork script
this seasonal gift is best returned in the New Year.
Besides, mixing work and alcohol is only
wise on your last day there. Red Light
***Search Party Animals***
Equinox
If you ever get lost in the woods simply
start a fire so the water bombers can find you.
However, the hikers in this horror movie
will need more than controlled burn to defeat these demons.
While looking for a missing scientist in
the woods a group of friends meet a hermit in a cave who gives them a book
containing ancient secrets on the occult.
Asmodeus (Jack Woods), the king of demons,
wants to get his talons on the tome so he sends an array of colossal monsters
to obtain it.
With cameos from sci-fi’s biggest names -
Forrest J Ackerman, Fritz Leiber – this Indy from 1970 does amazing things on a
shoestring budget - specifically the stop-motion simian creature - and has gone
on to inspire countless filmmakers.
Furthermore, it’s nice to finally find a
discarded book in the wild that wasn’t written by a reality TV personality.
He’s a Holy Ghostwriter. He’s the….
Vidiot
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