Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s under Gingerbread House Arrest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 20, 2013

Two-week old icing will never confine me! First up….

The Lone Ranger

If you choose to wear a facemask in sunlight, you’re worst enemy is going to be tan lines.

Fortunately, the masked-man in this action movie doesn’t have any family left to recognize him.

When an escaped outlaw, Cavendish (William Fichtner), kills his Texas Ranger brother (James Badge Dale), John Reid (Armie Hammer) conceals his identity, partners with the Comanche warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp), and seeks vengeance.

Unbeknownst to them, Cavendish is in bed with a railway magnate (Tom Wilkinson) who wants to frame Tonto’s tribe, and take their cache of hidden silver for his railroad.

With a Caucasian actor portraying an Indiana and a half-wit playing a hero, The Lone Ranger’s list of offenses is as lengthy as its running time.

And not even the train-top combatants are enough to keep this adaptation of the 1930s radio character from derailing.

Incidentally, Tonto’s disguise is brown make-up and racist speech pattern.  Red Light

Elysium

The upside to living in a dystopian future is that Hollywood will have plenty of great filming locations to choose from.

However, the affluent in this sci-fi movie don’t even live on Earth.

Orbiting over the planet in a colossal space station, the privileged lord over an over-populated L.A. with armed robots.

Manufacturing those sentries is a small-time hood Max (Matt Damon), who is accidentally exposed to radiation on the job.

With only days to live, Max must make it to Elysium in order to be healed, but a sadistic agent (Sharlto Copley) of the Secretary of Defense (Jodie Foster) stands in his way.

A blatant commentary on health care in America, Elysium uses class struggle, slick exoskeleton suits and eye-popping f/x to deliver its socialist message.

But if Elysium does have one weakness, it is the villain’s annoying voice.

Besides, with the rich in space, we can loot their mansions.

Green Light

Kick-Ass 2

Villains need to steal to pay their henchmen so they’ll help them steal.

Luckily, that vicious circle ends with the loaded bad guy in this action movie.

Dave (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) dons the guise of Kick-Ass to avenge his father’s death at the hands of the Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) - now The Motherfucker.

Given that Hit-Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz) has gone straight, he partners with like-minded crime-fighters from the Internet (Jim Carrey, Clark Duke, Lindy Booth, Donald Faison).

However, The Motherfucker’s super-villains (Olga Kurkulina, Andy Nyman, Tom Wu) will test the team’s tenacity.

Based on the comic book continuation, Kick-Ass 2 adheres to the source material’s sanguinary script, but tones down its sexual violence.

And while the comic is covered, not enough wit, style or soundtrack selection was garnered from the original movie to make this sequel significant.  

Incidentally, Secret Santa is the only upside to being on a super-team.  Yellow Light

Prisoners

It’s surprising a fat, unshaven old man would crawl down a chimney to give children toys, and to not kidnap them while they slept.

Mind you, it wasn’t Santa who stole the two girls in this thriller.

When Keller’s (Hugh Jackman) daughter is abducted with the neighbor’s girl, he is so distraught he confines the police’s first suspect (Paul Dano) in a dilapidated building, and proceeds to beat the whereabouts of the girls out of him.

Meanwhile, Detective Loki (Jake Gyllenhaal) continues following leads involving local pedophiles.

Knowing the man’s innocence, Keller continues his torture of the suspect with help from his neighbours (Terrence Howard, Viola Davis).

A well-acted, white-knuckled thriller that deals with kidnapping in a compassionate manner, Prisoners seamlessly slides a seedy mystery in-between the emotional layers of the narrative. 

However, in some cases, when you’re child goes missing, all you have to do is look up from your phone.

Green Light

***De-ice Hard***

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Santa’s real magic is flying over hostile air zones without being shot down.

However, the rogue cop in this action movie has no qualms with grounding airborne transport.

When a US Colonel (William Sadler) overtakes Dulles’ airport’s tower on Christmas Eve, Holly Gennaro-McClane’s (Bonnie Bedelia) plane is placed in a flight pattern over the Capitol.

Unfortunately for the terrorists, and the airport, her trigger-happy husband Lt. McClane (Bruce Willis) is waiting below.

Eventually, he uncovers a plot to prevent a drug lord (Franco Nero) from escaping extradition.

The first of many Die Hard sequels, Die Harder is also the first to feature McClane’s antics in an open setting.

Lacking its predecessor’s restrain, Die Hard 2 does manage to deliver an admirable body count, saucy retorts and plausibility - before all that became clichéd.

Incidentally, if you haven’t had your flu shot, Christmas is the worst time to take-over the airport.

He’s a Cold Air Marshal. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Check-stop Sign. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 13, 2013

There’s no eggnog in alcohol, officer. First up…

Fast & Furious 6

The best way to curb street racing in your community is to generate constant gridlock.

Mind you, the racers in this action movie are inclined to go off-road.

Dominic (Vin Diesel) comes out of hiding to help DSS agent Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) stop a rogue soldier (Luke Evans) from selling an EMP on the black market.

In exchange, he and his crew (Paul Walker, Gal Gadot, Jordana Brewster, Sung Kang, Tyrese Gibson, Chris Bridges) want amnesty for their US crimes and the freedom to return home.

The fifth sequel in the series, Fast 6 doesn’t dazzle like its predecessor Fast 5 but it does maintain the franchise’s new espionage angle.

And while racing takes a back seat in this one, there are enough overblown car-chases, unexpected cameos and sudsy melodrama to propel the series onward.

But, as always, this series disregards the real victims of street racing: ran-over flag-girls. 

Yellow Light

 

The Family

The hardest part of being under witness protection with your family is not telling the killer where your brother is all of the time.

Thankfully, the brother and sister in this action/comedy are amicable.

Relocated to Normandy, France after another incident involving their father’s (Robert De Niro) mob boss tendencies, Belle (Dianna Agron) and her brother Warren (John D'Leo) promptly establish their dominance at school.

Meanwhile, their mother (Michelle Pfeiffer) sets fires around town, and their dad details his life in an unsanctioned memoir.

However, their quaint community turns war zone when an old family friend locates their whereabouts.

Jerking from light-hearted comedy to scenes of attempted rape and violence with unemotional ease, The Family’s frenetic storytelling instills a sense of dissatisfaction and general unease.

Incidentally, the only disguises for an Italian mafia boss in the witness protection program are a pizza pie maker, magical plumber and mob boss impersonator.  Red Light

Despicable Me 2

The reason super villains don’t date is because they’re obligated to dine and dash.

Thankfully, the scoundrel in this animated movie has abandoned the bad life.

Rearing his daughters (Miranda Cosgrove, Elsie Fisher, Dana Gaier) in suburbia, former baddie Gru (Steve Carell) is enlisted by The Anti-Villain League to apprehend a thief who stole a transformative formula.

Partnered with an AVL agent (Kristen Wiig), Gru targets the local mall.

Zoning in on super villain turned restaurateur El Macho (Benjamin Bratt) as the culprit, Gru is stunned when the heist is blamed on a wig shop owner (Ken Jeong) instead.

Meanwhile, his lovable minions have been malformed into macabre menaces.

The obvious sequel to the original success, number 2 delivers the same juvenile laughs while also exploring single parenting further.

In fact, 9 times out of10, the children of super villains grow up to lead very meaningful lives via identity theft.

Green Light

***Nylon Stocking Stuffers***

Little Women

The key to raising daughters is ensuring you find a nanny who lost a daughter of her own to raise them.

However, the sisters in this drama will have to settle for their own mother’s nurturing.

Amid the turmoil of the Civil War, the March Sisters - Meg (Trini Alvarado), Jo (Winona Ryder), Beth (Claire Danes), and Amy (Kirsten Dunst/Samantha Mathis) - learn lessons in love from their many suitors (Eric Stoltz, Gabriel Byrne, Christian Bale).

As Jo, Meg and Amy pursue their fancies, Beth remains at home with Marmee (Susan Sarandon).

The sisters grow so distant that it takes a great loss to bring them back to Massachusetts.

Although their lives unfold over years, this fifth and first-rate adaptation of the novel has a holiday spirit that rings throughout its family-centric plotline.

Incidentally, the highlight of the 19^th century holiday season was always the annual ugly Christmas petticoat ball.

He’s been in the Christmas Spirits. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reindeer Tick. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 6, 2013

‘Tis the season for airborne lyme disease. First up…

The Wolverine

When you’re a superhero with claws you tend to fight villains like the Knife-Sharpener, the Human Scratch Post or Emo Kid.

However, the mutant in this action movie is battling the worst enemy ever - himself.

Plagued by Jean Grey’s (Famke Janssen) death, Logan (Hugh Jackman) flies to Japan on the behest of an aide (Rila Fukushima) to a Japanese solider (Hiroyuki Sanada) he saved during WWII.

Now the head of a medical tech company, the ailing doctor presents Logan with the opportunity to relinquish his healing factor.

Meanwhile, the venomous scientist Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) preps a suit of Adamantium for an unknown host.

A brilliant interpretation of the Frank Miller mini-series it’s based on, this pathos packed, ninja loaded sequel is the most authentic portrayal of the lovesick Canuck we’ve seen yet.

Surprising still is the fact that the Japanese love interest is not a used panty vending machine.  Green Light

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

When you live in a city made of bones your main concern is osteoporosis.

Luckily, the teen in this fantasy lives in a metropolis only fraught with demons, vampires and werewolves.  

At a nightclub with her friend (Robert Sheehan), Clary (Lily Collins) witnesses a murder but is the only one who sees it.

Intrigued, the assailant, Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), introduces her to a hidden world of angels, demons and a mystical cup that is under the protection of Clary’s mom (Lena Headey).

But Clary’s estranged necromancer father Morgenstern (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) requires the chalice in order to turn the tide in the angel/demon dispute.

Based on the Teen Lit hit series, Mortal Instruments is a jumbled mess. The leads are unlikable, while the story is convoluted and evocative of more popular sagas.

Besides, if there were demons among us than our glowing red-eyed government officials would have told us.  Red Light

The Smurfs 2

With only one female in their species it’s surprising that the Smurfs aren’t extinct.

Magically, the 3-apple-tall genus has thrived in an all-male society - until now.

With his supply of Smurf essence depleting, Gargamel (Hank Azaria) sends his latest creations the Naughties (Christina Ricci, J. B. Smoove) to Smurf village to kidnap Smurfette (Katy Perry).

With her hostage, Gargamel hopes to gain Papa’s (Jonathan Winters) Smurf-making potion so he’ll never run out of magical essence.

To save Smurfette and stop Gargamel’s pending output, a group of misfit Smurfs (Alan Cumming, Anton Yelchin, George Lopez, John Oliver) must travel to Paris and get help from an old friend (Neil Patrick Harris) to do so.

Puerile even for the pre-school set, Smurfs 2 plods its way through a predictable predicament, limp one-liners, and maddening Smurf-centric dialogue.  

Incidentally, with their blue hue maybe the Smurfs are really the corpses of asphyxiated infants.  Red Light

***Star of Blunder***

Wakko's Wish

When wishing on a falling star it is best to wish for the star to not crash into your house.

Luckily, for the orphan in this animated holiday special, his lucky star landed in the mountains.

Informed by a fairy that the first to touch the fallen star receives a wish, Wakko (Jess Harnell) informs his brother Yakko (Rob Paulsen) and ailing sister Dot (Tress MacNeille), who then blab to Acme Falls about it.

Needles to say, the race for the wishing star is on as the Warner siblings, the townsfolk and the King’s (Paxton Whitehead) tax collector (Frank Welker) vie for their wish.

A cheeky jab at holiday gluttony courtesy of Steven Spielberg’s Animaniacs, Wakko’s Wish seamlessly applies the series’ offbeat brand of loveable lunacy, shameless lampooning and catchy musical numbers to the beloved holiday season.

Regardless, whomever touches the star first will wish their body didn’t just combust.

He’s the Co-Star of Bethlehem. He’s the…

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