Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s under Gingerbread House Arrest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 20, 2013

Two-week old icing will never confine me! First up….

The Lone Ranger

If you choose to wear a facemask in sunlight, you’re worst enemy is going to be tan lines.

Fortunately, the masked-man in this action movie doesn’t have any family left to recognize him.

When an escaped outlaw, Cavendish (William Fichtner), kills his Texas Ranger brother (James Badge Dale), John Reid (Armie Hammer) conceals his identity, partners with the Comanche warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp), and seeks vengeance.

Unbeknownst to them, Cavendish is in bed with a railway magnate (Tom Wilkinson) who wants to frame Tonto’s tribe, and take their cache of hidden silver for his railroad.

With a Caucasian actor portraying an Indiana and a half-wit playing a hero, The Lone Ranger’s list of offenses is as lengthy as its running time.

And not even the train-top combatants are enough to keep this adaptation of the 1930s radio character from derailing.

Incidentally, Tonto’s disguise is brown make-up and racist speech pattern.  Red Light

Elysium

The upside to living in a dystopian future is that Hollywood will have plenty of great filming locations to choose from.

However, the affluent in this sci-fi movie don’t even live on Earth.

Orbiting over the planet in a colossal space station, the privileged lord over an over-populated L.A. with armed robots.

Manufacturing those sentries is a small-time hood Max (Matt Damon), who is accidentally exposed to radiation on the job.

With only days to live, Max must make it to Elysium in order to be healed, but a sadistic agent (Sharlto Copley) of the Secretary of Defense (Jodie Foster) stands in his way.

A blatant commentary on health care in America, Elysium uses class struggle, slick exoskeleton suits and eye-popping f/x to deliver its socialist message.

But if Elysium does have one weakness, it is the villain’s annoying voice.

Besides, with the rich in space, we can loot their mansions.

Green Light

Kick-Ass 2

Villains need to steal to pay their henchmen so they’ll help them steal.

Luckily, that vicious circle ends with the loaded bad guy in this action movie.

Dave (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) dons the guise of Kick-Ass to avenge his father’s death at the hands of the Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) - now The Motherfucker.

Given that Hit-Girl (Chloë Grace Moretz) has gone straight, he partners with like-minded crime-fighters from the Internet (Jim Carrey, Clark Duke, Lindy Booth, Donald Faison).

However, The Motherfucker’s super-villains (Olga Kurkulina, Andy Nyman, Tom Wu) will test the team’s tenacity.

Based on the comic book continuation, Kick-Ass 2 adheres to the source material’s sanguinary script, but tones down its sexual violence.

And while the comic is covered, not enough wit, style or soundtrack selection was garnered from the original movie to make this sequel significant.  

Incidentally, Secret Santa is the only upside to being on a super-team.  Yellow Light

Prisoners

It’s surprising a fat, unshaven old man would crawl down a chimney to give children toys, and to not kidnap them while they slept.

Mind you, it wasn’t Santa who stole the two girls in this thriller.

When Keller’s (Hugh Jackman) daughter is abducted with the neighbor’s girl, he is so distraught he confines the police’s first suspect (Paul Dano) in a dilapidated building, and proceeds to beat the whereabouts of the girls out of him.

Meanwhile, Detective Loki (Jake Gyllenhaal) continues following leads involving local pedophiles.

Knowing the man’s innocence, Keller continues his torture of the suspect with help from his neighbours (Terrence Howard, Viola Davis).

A well-acted, white-knuckled thriller that deals with kidnapping in a compassionate manner, Prisoners seamlessly slides a seedy mystery in-between the emotional layers of the narrative. 

However, in some cases, when you’re child goes missing, all you have to do is look up from your phone.

Green Light

***De-ice Hard***

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Santa’s real magic is flying over hostile air zones without being shot down.

However, the rogue cop in this action movie has no qualms with grounding airborne transport.

When a US Colonel (William Sadler) overtakes Dulles’ airport’s tower on Christmas Eve, Holly Gennaro-McClane’s (Bonnie Bedelia) plane is placed in a flight pattern over the Capitol.

Unfortunately for the terrorists, and the airport, her trigger-happy husband Lt. McClane (Bruce Willis) is waiting below.

Eventually, he uncovers a plot to prevent a drug lord (Franco Nero) from escaping extradition.

The first of many Die Hard sequels, Die Harder is also the first to feature McClane’s antics in an open setting.

Lacking its predecessor’s restrain, Die Hard 2 does manage to deliver an admirable body count, saucy retorts and plausibility - before all that became clichéd.

Incidentally, if you haven’t had your flu shot, Christmas is the worst time to take-over the airport.

He’s a Cold Air Marshal. He’s the…

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