Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reindeer Tick. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 6, 2013

‘Tis the season for airborne lyme disease. First up…

The Wolverine

When you’re a superhero with claws you tend to fight villains like the Knife-Sharpener, the Human Scratch Post or Emo Kid.

However, the mutant in this action movie is battling the worst enemy ever - himself.

Plagued by Jean Grey’s (Famke Janssen) death, Logan (Hugh Jackman) flies to Japan on the behest of an aide (Rila Fukushima) to a Japanese solider (Hiroyuki Sanada) he saved during WWII.

Now the head of a medical tech company, the ailing doctor presents Logan with the opportunity to relinquish his healing factor.

Meanwhile, the venomous scientist Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova) preps a suit of Adamantium for an unknown host.

A brilliant interpretation of the Frank Miller mini-series it’s based on, this pathos packed, ninja loaded sequel is the most authentic portrayal of the lovesick Canuck we’ve seen yet.

Surprising still is the fact that the Japanese love interest is not a used panty vending machine.  Green Light

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones

When you live in a city made of bones your main concern is osteoporosis.

Luckily, the teen in this fantasy lives in a metropolis only fraught with demons, vampires and werewolves.  

At a nightclub with her friend (Robert Sheehan), Clary (Lily Collins) witnesses a murder but is the only one who sees it.

Intrigued, the assailant, Jace (Jamie Campbell Bower), introduces her to a hidden world of angels, demons and a mystical cup that is under the protection of Clary’s mom (Lena Headey).

But Clary’s estranged necromancer father Morgenstern (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) requires the chalice in order to turn the tide in the angel/demon dispute.

Based on the Teen Lit hit series, Mortal Instruments is a jumbled mess. The leads are unlikable, while the story is convoluted and evocative of more popular sagas.

Besides, if there were demons among us than our glowing red-eyed government officials would have told us.  Red Light

The Smurfs 2

With only one female in their species it’s surprising that the Smurfs aren’t extinct.

Magically, the 3-apple-tall genus has thrived in an all-male society - until now.

With his supply of Smurf essence depleting, Gargamel (Hank Azaria) sends his latest creations the Naughties (Christina Ricci, J. B. Smoove) to Smurf village to kidnap Smurfette (Katy Perry).

With her hostage, Gargamel hopes to gain Papa’s (Jonathan Winters) Smurf-making potion so he’ll never run out of magical essence.

To save Smurfette and stop Gargamel’s pending output, a group of misfit Smurfs (Alan Cumming, Anton Yelchin, George Lopez, John Oliver) must travel to Paris and get help from an old friend (Neil Patrick Harris) to do so.

Puerile even for the pre-school set, Smurfs 2 plods its way through a predictable predicament, limp one-liners, and maddening Smurf-centric dialogue.  

Incidentally, with their blue hue maybe the Smurfs are really the corpses of asphyxiated infants.  Red Light

***Star of Blunder***

Wakko's Wish

When wishing on a falling star it is best to wish for the star to not crash into your house.

Luckily, for the orphan in this animated holiday special, his lucky star landed in the mountains.

Informed by a fairy that the first to touch the fallen star receives a wish, Wakko (Jess Harnell) informs his brother Yakko (Rob Paulsen) and ailing sister Dot (Tress MacNeille), who then blab to Acme Falls about it.

Needles to say, the race for the wishing star is on as the Warner siblings, the townsfolk and the King’s (Paxton Whitehead) tax collector (Frank Welker) vie for their wish.

A cheeky jab at holiday gluttony courtesy of Steven Spielberg’s Animaniacs, Wakko’s Wish seamlessly applies the series’ offbeat brand of loveable lunacy, shameless lampooning and catchy musical numbers to the beloved holiday season.

Regardless, whomever touches the star first will wish their body didn’t just combust.

He’s the Co-Star of Bethlehem. He’s the…

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