Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Wordsmith & Wesson He’s the…

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Week of April 24, 2014

There’d be fewer deaths if guns were shot with your feet. First up…

Philomena

The upside to writing an article on a senior is that they could die and you could get an Obit too.

Sadly, a human-interest story is all that the scribe in this drama gets paid for.

After losing his job with the British Government, Martin Sixsmith (Steve Coogan) returns to journalism where he records Philomena’s (Judi Dench) search for her son.

Adopted out by the Irish convent where she secretly birthed him in 1951, Philomena has searched for him ever since.

Eventually, they trace him to America where he worked for President Reagan and Bush, while harbouring a shameful secret that subsequently cost him his life.

Based on the book by Martin Sixsmith, Philomena is a reluctant odd-couple road movie that finds humour in its tragic circumstances, and humanity in its leads contrasting religious views.  

What’s more, when you travel with a senior you get to board the plane first.  Green Light

Flowers in the Attic (2014) 

It is not recommended that today’s overweight youth spend time in the attic lest they fall through the ceiling.

Which is why this drama takes place back in the 20th Century.

Following the death of her husband/half-uncle, Corrine (Heather Graham) moves her children (Kiernan Shipka, Mason Dye, Ava Telek, Maxwell Kovach) into her parents’ mansion.

While she is welcomed back by her mother (Ellen Burstyn), her sinful offspring must be kept secret.

Confined to a remote bedroom, the siblings find solace in a cavernous loft. 

As weeks turn into years, and the children mature, the older relations connect in forbidden ways, while the younger succumb to strange ailments.

Lifetime’s adaptation of the V.C. Andrews novel, this made-for-TV-movie adheres more to the source material than the 1987 feature film - but it’s acting is not much better.

Incidentally, when you marry your sister she doesn’t have to change her last name. Yellow Light

***Family Treason***

Flowers in the Attic (1987)

One of the most off-putting experiences you could ever have is attending a V.C. Andrews Family Reunion.

And after watching this drama based on the author’s infamous bestseller, you’ll know why.

When their father dies, Cathy (Kristy Swanson), Chris (Jeb Stuart Adams), Cory (Ben Ryan Ganger) and Carrie (Lindsay Parker) are uprooted and moved to their mother’s (Victoria Tennant) childhood home.

While she smoothes things over with her parents for marrying her half-uncle, her incestuous offspring are locked away in an unoccupied bedroom.

As they mature, they follow their parents’ bad example.

Eventually, they learn of their mother’s engagement, and of the nefarious plans to rid the family tree of her sinful seeds. 

A poorly executed adaptation of the twisted teen lit classic, this version omits much of the story for the sake of sensationalism.

Besides, a secluded attic is the ideal place for two siblings to raise their mutant.

He’s a Twelve Step Brother. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Holy Water Proof. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of April 18, 2014

Churches need to work the Zombie Jesus angle. First up…

Ride Along

The best part of going on a police ride along is that you get to break every law in the book with no consequences.

Surprisingly, the civilian riding shotgun in this comedy wants to do the complete opposite.

After he’s accepted into the police academy, high-strung security guard Ben (Kevin Hart) proposes to his longtime girlfriend (Tika Sumpter).

Before they can tie the knot, Ben must get her detective brother James’ (Ice Cube) blessing.

To prove his merit, he goes on patrol with James, who’s devised a number of fake crimes to scare Ben off the force.

The gag gets ugly when they accidentally undercover an affiliation between Atlanta officers and a notorious kingpin (Laurence Fishburne).

While Hart’s hyperactivity helps, Ride Along is essentially a toothless buddy-comedy combined with a one-dimensional cop thriller.

On the bright side, now that he’s a cop, former NWA member Ice Cube can brutalize himself.  Red Light

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 

The upside to online magazines is that there will be free tablets with old issues on them at the dentist’s office.

Alternatively, the downside to this digitization is explored in this comedy-fantasy.

With the final issue of LIFE magazine ready to publish, it’s up to negative handler Walter Mitty (Ben Stiller) to present the last cover photo shot by famed photojournalist Sean O'Connell (Sean Penn).

The only problem is the negative has disappeared.

Now it’s up to the daydreaming office drone to place the misplaced image before the issue goes to print.

To do this, he must travel to Iceland to find O’Connell.

While Walter’s trajectory from skateboarding punk to milquetoast adult is incongruent, it is this film’s sappy ending that gives the James Thurber’s short story a bad name.

Furthermore, with Life magazine now out of the way, there’s less confusion between Life cereal and Life the board game.  Yellow Light

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

With all of today’s digital distractions, it’s impossible for ghosts to get peoples attention long enough to scare them.

Which is why the spirit in this horror movie communicates through Milton Bradley’s Simon.

Using his graduation money to buy a digital-camera, Jesse (Andrew Jacobs) and his friend Hector (Jorge Diaz) document their eerie encounters with Jesse’s neighbour Anna, a rumoured witch.

After she is mysteriously murdered, Jesse and Hector break into her apartment and steal a book of incantations that later unleashes a demonic presence that protects Jesse.

Upon subsequent revisits to Anna’s, they uncover evidence that links her to Jesse’s pregnant mother and to the missing mother Katie (Katie Featherston) from the first Paranormal Activity.

The fifth installment in the series, this Latino companion piece connects back to the first movie in many frightening, ingenious and humorous ways.

Incidentally, any ghost that haunts a Latino household is automatically assumed to be the Virgin Mary.  Green Light

***Pot of Gold Chain***

Leprechaun in the Hood

The good thing about being a little person in the ghetto is that the bullets from the drive-bys go right over your head.

Mind you, the small person in this horror-comedy also has magic to protect him.

Imprisoned by a record producer (Ice-T), a malevolent leprechaun (Warwick Davis) is released by unsuspecting rap-artists: Postmaster P. (Anthony Montgomery), Stray Bullet (Rashaan Nall), and Butch (Red Grant).

Determined to take back his enchanted flute that emits hypnotic notes, the Leprechaun takes South Central by storm.

Now it’s up to the wannabe MCs to trick the trickster into smoking a clover-laced joint so they can steal the flute back again.

This fifth installment in the b-horror franchise is a cheesy send-up of the gangster genre. Its only redeeming value can be found in its gory camp and Leprechaun rap. 

And, who knows, maybe now all the O.G.’s will start wearing buckled high tops.

He’s a Gangbanger and Mash. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hobobit. He’s the…

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Week of April 11, 2014

Shopping carts are precious. First up…

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

If you want to find a dragon nowadays, just attend a Game of Thrones themed wedding.

In Middle Earth times - as in this adventure - you would find one near the largest supply of dwarf bullion.

The Halfling Bilbo (Martin Freeman) and the wizard Gandalf (Ian McKellen) continue their quest to help the dwarf king (Richard Armitage) reclaim his kingdom from a dragon (Benedict Cumberbatch). 

This leg of their journey is fraught with giant spiders, a were-bear, Orcs and an ominous Necromancer.

Fortunately, they receive assistance from some elves (Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly), a smuggler (Luke Evans) and giant eagles along the way.

The second half of The Hobbit saga, Desolation of Smaug outdoes its predecessor with its prompter pacing, action orientated story, and infusion of human and Elvin blood.

And just imagine: once they get their treasure back, the dwarves can finally get those gold plated leg extensions.  Green Light

Grudge Match 

When old men box, the below the belt rule needs to be changed to: no hitting below the knees.

While it’s unsure if the ripened pugilists in this comedy have low-hanging fruit, it’s true both are out of shape.

During a video game recording session, former ring rivals Billy “The Kid” (Robert De Niro) and “Razor” Sharp (Sylvester Stallone) reignite their enmity over Billy knocking up Razor’s girlfriend (Kim Basinger).

Their impromptu bout is caught on camera and goes viral.

Enter fight promoter Dante (Kevin Hart), who wishes to capitalize on this renewed interest with a reunion fight.

The end result, however, not only affects their bodies but it touches their personal lives.

While it has a few comic jabs, overall this over-the-hill comedy languishes in hammy acting and out-of-touch old folks humour.

Thankfully, their boxing gloves keep us from seeing either of the elderly combatants veiny, liver spotted hands.  Red Light

 

August: Osage County

If your elderly parent is turning into a pill-popper, replace their daily dosage with Skittles.

Unfortunately, the addict in this dark-comedy is cognizant.

When their father (Sam Shepard) goes missing, the daughters (Julia Roberts, Juliette Lewis, Julianne Nicholson) of the cancerous Violet (Meryl Streep) return home with their significant others (Ewan McGregor, Abigail Breslin, Dermot Mulroney) for support.

Eventually, their father’s body is found and family secrets - a love child between him and Violet’s sister (Margo Martindale) and an incestuous affair between the youngest daughter and a cousin (Benedict Cumberbatch) - are exposed.

But instead of concealing these nuggets like her broken marriage, Violet’s eldest daughter confronts her mother... physically.

Boasting an epic ensemble, this adaptation of the play is certainly well performed. However, the characters being portrayed are extremely difficult to like.

Besides, when you’re elderly parent starts becoming a nuisance, it’s time to introduce them to base-jumping.  Yellow Light

***Lord of the Ring***

Requiem for a Heavyweight

You can tell a boxer is over-the-hill when they come to the ring wearing their bathrobe.

After getting knocked out by Cassius Clay in this drama, “Mountain” Rivera (Anthony Quinn) hangs up his gloves in hopes of landing a less violent gig.

But when his manager’s (Jackie Gleason) life is threatened by a bookie, Mountain must put his aspirations on hold, swallow his pride, and enter the wrestling ring.

Despite his embarrassment in the theatrics, Mountain agrees to the match-up, much to the chagrin of his career counselor/ love interest (Julie Harris).

Based on the teleplay by Twilight Zone’s Rod Serling, this film adaptation of the scribe’s sci-fi free script is altered for cinematic purposes, but the pathos of an archaic contender is still present, and is pure Rod Serling.

The worst thing about being a retired boxer, however, is with your slurred speech, everyone keeps enrolling you in A.A.

He’s a Surprise Fighter. He’s the… 

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Hard Correspondence. He’s the…

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Week of April 4, 2014

This just in: No One Watches the News. First up…

 

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

In the world of online news, it’s not the facts that matter, it’s the misleading headline used to generate ad revenue.

Thankfully, this comedy takes place before Yahoo! News.

During the 1980s, newsman Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) and his wife (Christina Applegate) leave San Diego to co-host the nightly news in New York.

But when she gets promoted, he can’t cope.

Recruited by a fledging 24-hour news network just before hitting rock bottom, Ron resuscitates his former news team (Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, David Koechner) and takes to the air again.

Despite a handful of memorable lines, this much-ballyhooed sequel to the 2004 cult hit doesn’t live up to its own hype.

In fact, it struggles to make its goofball one-liners and illogical situations standout from today's current crop of Ron Burgundy-esque pitchmen that permeate the advertising landscape.

Incidentally, news anchoring is the only occupation that would benefit from Tupac's hologram.  Red Light

  

 

47 Ronin

The upside to being a masterless samurai is you longer have to wear your hair in that weird looking bun.

Surprisingly, the forty-seven ronin in this action movie still do the upsweep.

Kai (Keanu Reeves), a half-breed living in the wilds of feudal Japan, is taken in by Lord Asano (Min Tanaka) and taught the way of the samurai - unofficially.

One day a rival lord (Tadanobu Asano) kills Asano and claims his daughter (Kou Shibasaki) as his wife.

Forbade by the Shogun to seek revenge, the head ronin (Hiroyuki Sanada) ignores their order, recruits his former warriors, including Kai, and infiltrates the wedding.

Inspired by the ancient Japanese legend, this whitewashed retelling relies more on mysticism then actual facts to tell its tale.   

While the special effects are noteworthy, the acting and the adventure are uninspired.

Incidentally, if you’re half Japanese, you should only have to perform seppuku halfway.  Red Light

***Fat Assassin***

Beverly Hills Ninja

The best part of being a ninja is that the all-black outfit has a slimming effect.

Mind you, it doesn’t seem to be working on the assassin in this comedy.

An American (Nicollette Sheridan) hires Haru (Chris Farley) - a klutzy Caucasian adopted by a ninja clan when he was a baby - to investigate her boyfriend’s suspicious behaviour.

When Haru discovers a counterfeiting operation, he travels to Beverly Hills to advise his client, only to learn she isn’t who she said she is and that the case now involves a murder.

Watching over Haru on his Sensei’s (Soon-Tek Oh) behest is his Haru’s adopted brother (Robin Shou), who protects him from afar.

Although this is not the stout SNL alum’s best comic outing, Beverly Hills Ninja does play to Chris Farley’s strengths: incessant pratfalls and dumb-guy naivety. 

Ironically, when you send a fat ninja to California, they come back home anorexic. 

                                                                                                                           

He Overeats his Words. He’s the...

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