Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has an Adhering Problem. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 25, 2016

Always remember to follow-through when giving up. First up…

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War Dogs

The worst thing about war profiteering is that the ghosts of your victims haunt your money.

Luckily, possessed Benjamins don’t deter the amoral marketers in this dramedy.

Following a string of dead-end jobs, David Packouz (Miles Teller) decides to take his old high school buddy Efraim Diveroli (Jonah Hill) up on his offer to help him sell small shipments of firearms to the US war effort in Iraq.

But when the deals start getting dangerous, then downright illegal, David’s conscience and pregnant wife (Ana de Armas) start to influence his decisions.

A highly fictionalized adaptation of an investigative article later elongated into a bestseller, War Dogs embraces its dramatized narrative for the sake of light entertainment. And while the leads do work while together, their puerile antics slight the gravity of the film’s context.

Incidentally, it’s surprising that two Americans did all this work without having to outsource to India.  Yellow Light

Mechanic: Resurrection

Before you go and resurrect a retired mechanic remember that there’s a huge service fee attached.

Auspiciously, the fixer in this action movie is being blackmailed out of retirement.

Living the good life under an assumed name, former hitman Bishop (Jason Statham) is lured back into action by Gina (Jessica Alba), a distraught woman that he falls head-over-heels for.

Forced by Bishop’s old training buddy Crain (Sam Hazeldine) to seduce his adversary, Gina is now being held hostage by Crain until Bishop completes three complicated kills for him that will take him around the globe, and to the brink of danger.

While it does come equipped with some spectacular action sequences, this unnecessary sequel to the middling 2011 remake of the Charles Bronson original doesn’t have the acting quality or engaging storyline to warrant a closer inspection. 

Besides, everybody already knows that hire guns and Pop Diva’s never stay retired. Red Light

***Bullet Wholesale***

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Mr. Majestyk

You should never piss off a farmer because they exact revenge very early in the morning.

Unfortunately, the hitman in this action movie went and done it anyway.

All ex-Army Ranger turned watermelon farmer Vince Majestyk (Charles Bronson) wants to do is bring in his harvest. A local hood, however, wants Majestyk to employ his lazy workers over Mexican migrants to perform this task.

Their disagreement lands Majestyk in lockup where he gets entangled with a button-man (Al Lettieri) plotting a prison break. The melon farmer hopes to leverage this info towards saving his crop. But doing so makes him a marked man.

A role tailored made for Bronson’s brand of cool bravado, this skillfully directed adaptation of crime novelist Elmore Leonard’s book has a real sense of grit and realism to it that most angry veteran movies lack.

Moreover, melon farming sounds way more titillating than it actually is.

He gets Two Green Thumbs Down. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a United Affront. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 18, 2016

D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me. First up….

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Finding Dory

The last place your child wants to find Dory is in his or her Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Luckily, the forgetful fish in this animated-adventure is poisonous to humans.

When a school activity elicits a memory in the absentminded Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), the regal blue tang and her adopted family (Albert Brooks, Hayden Rolence) head out in search of Dory's parents (Diane Keaton, Eugene Levy).

But when she becomes separated from her friends, Dory must get assistance from some new ones: an injured octopus (Ed O'Neill) and a concussed beluga (Ty Burrell).

Despite arriving 13-years after the original, this Pixar sequel doesn't miss a beat, delivering the studio's brand of poignant storytelling, engaging characters and off kilter humor years on. The biggest change, however, has to do with the bounds and leaps made in the animation process.

Furthermore, all those clownfish flushed down the toilet in 2004 will finally have new friends.  Green Light

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Kubo and the Two Strings

The saddest thing about Japanese zoos is that the monkeys are usually cursed royalty.

And while the ape in this animated-adventure isn't a prince, he was born from magic.

Sent by his mother to retrieve his missing father's suit of armour so he can be protected from his evil aunt (Rooney Mara), Kubo (Art Parkinson) is accompanied on his quest by a monkey (Charlize Theron) and a cursed man-beetle (Matthew McConaughey) with amnesia.

Together they must thwart Kubo's grandfather (Ralph Fiennes), who wants to turn his grandson into an immortal by stealing Kudo's last good eye.

More mythical than most western animated features, Kubo musters enough eye-popping animation and spirited storytelling to put those sing-along cartoons to shame. Able to entertain adults and children alike, Kubo captures your attention from the get-go and never relents.

Moreover, it's nice to see a Japanese cartoon where the father isn't just a tentacle.  Green Light

***Assault Water***

Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack!

The reason why fish don’t speak is they would drown every time they tried.

Although verbal evolution is far-off, this anime confirms upward mobility is not.

Graduates Aki, Erika and Kaori head to the seashore to celebrate their recent liberation from the classroom only to discover a freakish fish on the beach that has grown a pair of motorized legs.

More ambulatory vertebrates soon appear on land, including a Great White Shark that stalks the sidewalks for its next meal.

Time reveals the military’s involvement in creating a self-perpetuating mechanism propelled by the death stench of its victims. 

The most bizarre aquatic tale to ever surface, this acutely drawn anime inspired by the multi-volume horror manga fails to deliver the unnerving scares of its muse, but it does feature the key moments that comprise its greatness.

Incidentally, once they can ride a bike, these biped fish will dominate the Ironman Triathlon.

He’s a Jellyfish Stick. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Powder Kegger. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 11, 2016

The party’s not over until the fat lady asphyxiates on her vomit. First up…

 

Sausage Party

The number one guest you don’t want to invite to a sausage party is a starving dog.

In fact, the sustenance in this adult-animated feature should avoid inviting carnivores altogether.

A horny sausage, Frank (Seth Rogen), wants to insert himself into his hotdog bun girlfriend Brenda (Kristen Wiig), but cannot do so until both reach the Great Beyond. But a returned jar of Honey Mustard (Danny McBride) proclaims the other side to be a falsehood.

To confirm this claim, Frank seeks out a sage bottle of spirits (Bill Hader), while a damaged Douche (Nick Kroll) and a sapphic taco (Salma Hayek) threaten his and Brenda’s happiness.   

With an R-Rating and an enviable voice cast, this 3-D disappointment doesn’t live up to either asset. The jokes are flat, the characters are grating and the animation is sloppy.

Besides, if wieners could talk they would sound more like mashed up pig rectums.  Red Light 

 

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Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders

The reason Batman is so angry nowadays is because it’s illegal for him to hang out with underage boys.

But as this animated-adventure depicts, back in the 1960s, men and boys were free to frolic.

The caped crusader (Adam West) confounds his premature partner (Burt Ward) when he adopts a more ridged approach to crime fighting. But the Boy Wonder doesn’t have time to dissect this new Batman as their vilest villains – The Joker, The Penguin, The Riddler and Catwoman (Julie Newmar) – have teamed up to take the Dynamic Duo down for good.

The cartoon continuation of the campy 1960s TV show, this DC Entertainment feature finds some original cast members returning to voice their characters as best as octogenarians can. Embracing the burlesque, while welcoming the darker aspects, this beautifully rendered revisiting is ideal for older, less discerning fans.

Incidentally, modern Batman fights crime by simply trolling villains online.  Green Light

***Feline Fine***

 

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Fritz the Cat

When your cat is in heat it’s best to hide all of your plush Hello Kitty dolls.

Thankfully, the randy tabby in this X-Rated animated-comedy prefers real pussy.

At the height of the 1960s hippy movement, college burnout Fritz the Cat (Skip Hinnant) is out on the prowl for some of that free-love that’s going around. And while he manages get a hold of some, it’s short-lived on account of the Pigs.

Fritz eventually gets caught up in all of the drug use, civil disobedience and revolutionary acts of the times all in an attempt to regain his waning libido.

A socio-political cartoon imbued with anthropomorphic orgies, racial stereotypes and radical ideas, Ralph Bakshi’s debut feature film adaptation of underground artist R. Crumb’s hedonistic frat-boy lives up to its X-Rating, but not to Crumb’s satirical and subversive comic-strip. 

Besides, when you have nine lives AIDS isn’t that big of a deal.

He’s a Pussyfoot Massage. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Space Opera Singer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 4, 2016

The acoustics in space suck. First up…

 

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Star Trek Beyond

The worst part of commercial space-travel is that lost luggage gravitates towards the sun.

Thankfully, the crewmembers in this sci-fi film are only issued one outfit to wear.

While on shore leave, Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) entertains an offer that would see him abdicate leadership of the USS Enterprise to Spock (Zachary Quinto).

However, an SOS from deep space delays that decision, and lands Kirk and crew (Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban, Simon Pegg, John Cho, Anton Yelchin) in a trap set by an alien (Idris Elba) after an artifact capable of annihilating Starfleet.

The third entry in the resuscitated franchise, Beyond is the most kinetic and action-packed of the trilogy. And though it introduces interesting new characters to the mix, this installment - like the ones before it - lacks the original series’ social commentary.

For example: In the future, women of all races will be free to wear miniskirts.  Yellow Light

 

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Bad Moms

The key to being a really bad mother is publicly breastfeeding your teenager.

The moms in this comedy, however, have stopped breastfeeding altogether.

Fed up with her unfaithful husband (David Walton) and needy children, super mom Amy (Mila Kunis) aligns herself with a brash single mom (Kathryn Hahn) and an uptight stay-at-home mom (Kristen Bell) to find her sovereignty.

Throwing mommy-centric house parties, shirking her parental duties and plotting against the evil PTA (Christina Applegate, Jada Pinkett Smith, Annie Mumolo), Amy and her crew redefine what it means to be a mother in these taxing times.

An ill-fated attempt to unburden modern mothers from the pressures of childrearing by encouraging them to act and converse like frat boys, this feminist farce written and directed by two men regretfully adheres to a masculine approach to alleviating stress. 

In reality, the feminine approach to stress relief is actually a 5-hour bubble bath.  Red Light

 

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Nine Lives

The best thing about being trapped in the body of a cat is getting rich off of the Internet.

Mind you, the displaced industrialist in this fantasy would rather make his millions elsewhere.

Workaholic father Tom (Kevin Spacey) is visited by the owner (Christopher Walken) of the pet shop where he bought Mr. Fuzzypants after a freak storm relocates his consciousness into the cat he bought his daughter.

Told to reconnect with his wife (Jennifer Garner) and child or be stuck as a cat, Tom tries to convince them he’s their cat to no avail. Meanwhile, his business partner is staging a coup.

Contender for worst movie of the year, this green screen laden French/American co-production directed by Barry Sonnenfeld is a joyless family comedy that features an embarrassing voice-over from Spacey, and lifeless performances from everyone else.

On the upside, they’ll make a mint off the father/daughter dance footage.  Red Light

***Animal Crew-lty***

 

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Space Buddies

Dogs are the worst animals to launch into space on account they chase every comet they see.

Unfortunately, the shuttle carrying the canines in this family-comedy is incapacitated.

Golden retriever pup Buddha (Field Cate) and his newborn buddies: Mudbud, Rosebud, Budderball and B-Dawg stowaway on an experimental rocket ship and are unknowingly launched into space.

But when they run out of fuel, their ship must dock at a Russian space station, where a cosmonaut (Diedrich Bader) and his dog (Jason Earles) have been living in seclusion. While the Russian wants to stay his dog doesn’t, so the buddies formulate an escape.

The third entry in the Air Bud spin-off, this 2009 offering is on par with the previous installments, save for worse special effects and storytelling. However, the Buddies are still adorable.

Moreover, if they make it back, the Buddies will be the first dogs to ever return from space.

He’s a Space Junkyard Dog. He’s the…

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