Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Irregular Einstein. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 26, 2013

My favourite painter is Benjamin Moore. First up…

Trance

The best way to protect art from thieves is to cover them with paintings of cigar-smoking olives in Martini glasses.

Without Michael Godard images to deter them though, thieves, like the ones in this thriller, will steal your real art.

Art auctioneer Simon (James McAvoy) pilfers a painting and presents it to his partner Franck (Vincent Cassel), who then coldcocks him.

Afterwards, when Franck finds the frame vacant, he returns to interrogate Simon, who now suffers memory loss from Franck’s attack.

To jostle his recall, Franck sends Simon to a hypnotherapist (Rosario Dawson), who dislodges more than the painting’s whereabouts.       

With a hard to follow narrative and antagonists disguised protagonists, director Danny Boyle does his best to elevate Trance from a muddled heist movie to a muddled psychological-thriller - with mixed results.

Besides, instead of stealing 1 painting, isn’t it smarter to kidnap the artist and have them paint more?  0

***Starving Graffiti Artists***

Bomb It

To protect priceless paintings from thieves we should transfer them onto immovable objects.

Oh, wait, street artists, like the ones in this documentary, already do that.

Beginning with a man named Cornbread, who in 1967 spray-painted his moniker around Philadelphia, tagging became a craze in urban areas across America.

Considering themselves soldiers in an emotional, an artistic and a territorial war, faceless artists, like TAKI 183, Os Gêmeos, Terrible T-KID 170, Obey creator Shepard Fairey, and rapper KRS-One, descended upon their respected cities, bombing their neighbourhood with their nicknames creatively rendered with aerosol cans.

As the movement spread to other countries, its self-aggrandizing origins were repurposed for political protest and government sanctioned public art.

From subway walls, to Paris runways, to Hip Hop culture, Bomb It recounts the evolution of this controversial art form that begot a renaissance.

Incidentally, until now, I thought building graffiti was just the architect’s autograph.

He’s a Street Art Critic. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Clothes-minded. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 19, 2013

I can't see Caucasians when they wear white. First up…

42

Steroids in baseball are the result of white players trying to compete with their drug-free, non-white counterparts.

Thankfully, this biography takes place before integration, so there’s no juicing.

In 1946, Montreal Royals first baseman Jackie Robison (Chadwick Boseman) breaks minor league baseball’s colour barrier.

In 1947, he does the same to the MLB.

Despite opposition from his players, Brooklyn Dodgers’ general manager, Branch Rickey (Harrison Ford), signs Robinson to play second base.

On a national stage, Jackie must keep his anger in check as he performs amid racial slurs from fans and chin music from pitchers.

Thankfully, he has his pregnant wife (Nicole Beharie) to keep him focused on winning.

Based on true events, 42 portrays Robinson’s historic first season to satisfaction, but fails to expand to his other career accomplishments.

And eventually white fans did stop racially taunting African-American baseball players and moved onto racially taunting African-American hockey players.  0

Evil Dead

When reading the Book of the Dead it’s probably not a good idea to lick your finger before turning the page.

Mind you, the pages of the tome in this horror movie shouldn’t be turned at all.

David (Shiloh Fernandez), his girlfriend (Elizabeth Blackmore) and their friends Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) and Olivia (Jessica Lucas) arrive at the isolated cabin where they will assist with his drug-addled sister Mia’s (Jane Levy) withdrawal.

In the basement of the cottage, Eric unearths a barbed wire bound book that he liberates from its bindings and reads.

His words invoke a demon that takes possession of Mia and threatens the lives of the others in the cabin.

A re-make of The Evil Dead, this contemporary take has the production value to amp up the gore but not the scares to surpass its ancestor.

Besides, books in the wild should only be used to start campfires.  0

Bullet to the Head

Teaming a hitman with a cop is likely to only result in heated augments over who gets more room in the gun cabinet.

Thankfully, the odd coupling in this action movie are not roommates.

When an assassin (Jason Momoa) murders his partner (Jon Seda), after they just completed a hit on a corrupt cop, hired gun Bobo (Sylvester Stallone) believes he’s next.

Meanwhile, Det. Kwon (Sung Kang) tempts to solve the officer’s death but is impeded by a businessman (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) intent on developing a poor area of town.

In order to close the case, Kwon must side with Bobo. But doing so means partnering with the criminal element.  Something Kwon isn’t comfortable doing.

With bad acting, antiquated action, and a banal script, a real bullet to the head would be more gratifying than this pap.

Incidentally, wouldn’t it be easier to just hire the hitman to kill them self?  0

***Banter Up***

Cobb

You would think that in a sport where teams carry around baseball bats that its players wouldn’t so blatantly insult each other.

However, the outfielder in this biography ran his mouth as much as his feet.

Hiring famed sportswriter Al Stump (Robert Wuhl), the cantankerous Ty Cobb (Tommy Lee Jones) hopes to whitewash his blemished baseball reputation with a glowing autobiography.

While staying with the 72-year-old alcoholic at his home in Lake Tahoe, Stump, himself, experiences the legendary irritability of the Hall of Famer.

Over the many months and miles he spends with Cobb, Stump must decide if he’s going to pen a sanitized memoir or his own tell all.

Based on Stump’s book, Tommy Lee Jones’ performance is certainly a homerun, however, the story revels too much in Cobb’s senility and deep-seated racism.

Furthermore, portraying baseball players as racists is insulting to those players who are just degenerate gamblers.

He’s a Down-and-Outfielder. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Kind

He’s a Deathbed Wetter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 12, 2013

Go towards the strobe light. First up…

Dead Man Down

Getting revenge on those who killed your family should be your first priority after police have cleared you as a suspect.

However, the husband in this thriller avoided interrogation because he was thought dead.

Intimidating residents of a building he wants to redevelop, drug czar Alphonse (Terrence Howard) unintentionally kill Victor’s (Colin Farrell) wife.

Later, when the issue goes to court, he intentionally orders the slaying of Victor and his son. Or so Alphonse thought.

Two years later, Victor has wormed his way into Alphonse’s outfit, with the intention of killing him.

But Victor’s retribution is jeopardized when his disfigured neighbour (Noomi Rapace) blackmails him into murdering the drunk driver who left her scarred.

While the romance between the victims has foreign cinema facets, the grandiose gunfights, and substandard script, are wholly American.

Besides, the best way to get revenge on a drunk driver is to drive distracted into them.  0

Spring Breakers

The ecclesiastical angle of spending your Easter holiday in Florida is that the sandy beaches are reminiscent of the desert Moses wandered in.

And while it has religious undertones, this drama is more sinful.

To bankroll their spring break, Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Cotty (Rachel Korine) and Brittany (Ashley Benson) hold up a restaurant.

           

Kidnapping their friend Faith (Selena Gomez), the girls hightail it to Florida.

Down South, their drunken and disorderly high jinks are quickly quelled when a party their at gets busted.

In the can, with no cash, they’re miraculously bailed out by a rapper/drug dealer, Alien (James Franco), who takes them under his wing.

Eventually, the bikini-clad breakers become soldiers in Alien’s turf war against a rival dealer.

Relevant and ridiculous, but lacking his haunting strangeness, Spring Breakers is writer/director Harmony Korine’s most commercial, coherent and socially critical film yet.

Incidentally, Florida’s retiree population hold wet T-shirt contests year-round.  0

***Spring Heartbreakers***

Where the Boys Are

Considering the annual antics of spring break, there’s a good reason why the state of Florida is shaped like a penis.

Thusly, female college students, like the ones in this drama, flock to Fort Lauderdale every year.

Students from an uptight Midwest university (Connie Francis, Dolores Hart, Yvette Mimieux, Paula Prentiss) head down south on their spring break in hopes of engaging in the premarital sex that their school forbids.

When they arrive, the girls quickly pair off with their male counterparts (George Hamilton, Frank Gorshin, Jim Hutton, Rory Harrity) and harmless heartbreaks ensue.

While the experienced girls discover they have more to learn about sex, the inexperienced ones are broken by the darker side of the vacation.

Not only does it depict the sun-seeking pilgrimage bluntly, but Where the Boys Are also boasts a memorable soundtrack.

Now, if only Ft. Lauderdale could find an economic benefit for used condoms. 

He’s a Keg Stand-up Comedian. He’s the…

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