Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s got Asteroid Rage. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 5, 2013

Orbital debris is Earth’s defensive shield. First up…

The Host

Having to brush your teeth twice every morning is the worst part of sharing your body with another person’s mind.

However, the alien-inhabited teen in this sci-fi film is more concerned with matters of the heart than with hygiene.

Fleeing from humans possessed by the parasitic aliens that have conquered Earth, Melanie (Saoirse Ronan) makes the ultimate sacrifice.

Unfortunately her mind is revived in her body, now under the control of an entity called Wanderer.

When order by a higher up (Diane Kruger) to infiltrate Melanie’s unassimilated boyfriend, Jared (Max Irons), brother and uncle (William Hurt), Wanderer is of two minds.

After it falls for Jared’s friend (Jake Abel), Melanie’s extraterrestrial embodiment finally picks a side.

Based on Stephenie Meyer’s book, The Host is a clichéd space invasion impaired even more so by its shallow love tri-angle.

Furthermore, how does an alien get two human dates without using the Internet?  0

Admission

To get into university nowadays you must make sure your overprotective parents write an exceptional admissions essay on your behalf.

However, the admissions officer in this comedy is more focused on the interview process.

Inundated with hundreds of applications, Portia (Tina Fey) excels at acceptance; except when it comes to the son she gave up for adoption.

Invited home to speak to an eclectic classroom taught by a progressive professor, John (Paul Rudd), Portia is introduced to a savant (Nat Wolff) who John claims is her estranged son.

Blinded by her emotions, Portia admits her alleged offspring into Princeton, despite the fact that his poor marks mar her chances of succeeding her boss (Wallace Shawn).

An uneven adaptation of the novel, Admission permits its dramatic adoption narrative to be rebuffed by excessive class clowning.

Incidentally, it’s cheaper to meet the child you gave up for adoption after they graduate university.  0  

***Student Body Snatchers***

The Faculty

The most awkward aspect of attending high school as an alien is showering with your mono-penised classmates after gym.

Fortunately, only the administrators in this horror movie appear to be aliens.

When Casey (Elijah Wood) uncovers a strange creature at school, he takes it to his science teacher, Mr. Furlong (Jon Stewart).

Eventually, like other faculty members (Famke Janssen, Salma Hayek, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick), Furlong hosts a species dependant on Earth’s water.

To prevent a town-wide assimilation, Casey and his classmates (Josh Hartnett, Jordana Brewster, Shawn Hatosy, Usher) must use a homemade narcotic to overthrow their alien oppressors, and return their teachers to normal.

An archetypal teen horror movie from the late-1990s, the only thing separating The Faculty from the era’s other slasher schlock is its done to death secret invasion premise.

On the bright side, with their numerous appendages, alien educators are well equipped for today’s overcrowded classrooms.    

He’s the Home Ec Creature. He’s the…

Vidiot