Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Re-reads Between the Lines. He’s the…

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Week of July 1, 2011

Book/Witch Burnings = 2 birds, 1 stone. First up... 

Season of the Witch

Now, I’m not exactly sure which of the seasons belongs to the witch, but I’d venture it’s the one where it gets as cold as one of their tits.

While it’s ambiguous as to which month this fantasy is set, we do know it occurs during the Crusades.   

Done with waging war in the Lord’s name, two knights, Behman (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman), desert.

On their way home, they come upon a plague-infested town, where they are incarcerated for abandoning their post.

Fortuitously, both are given a reprieve by a contaminated Cardinal, in exchange for escorting a supposed witch to an outlying monastery where she will be tried for witchcraft.

En route, the girl reveals her true ominous nature.

A contrived concoction of pious warmongering, witch-hunt hysteria and bad hairpieces, Season of the Witch is a laughable lark.

Besides, Christianity shouldn’t censure Wicca, since Jesus was a wizard.  0

Beastly

The best thing about being rich and having a marred face is that you can afford the finest potato sack masks money can buy.  

Nevertheless, the affluent freak in this romance is more concerned with his former gorgeous self.

Blessed with beauty and a news anchor father (Peter Krause), Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) rules his school.

But when a teen-witch (Mary-Kate Olsen) curses him with scars, Kyle is cast out by his superficial father and sent to a remote condo.

Now, he has a year to get someone to love him, or he’ll remain this way.

Knowing he can’t get the same girls as before, he hones in on a former classmate/plain Jane (Vanessa Hudgens).

A modernization of Beauty and the Beast, Beastly is exactly that: the leads are terrible, the lines are cringe worthy and the plot is insulting.

Besides, women don’t care about a man’s looks if he’s rich.  0

Sucker Punch 

The best way to get women to feel comfortable being inside of a mental institute is to design it after a shopping mall.

Unfortunately, the architects of the female nuthouse in this fantasy went with the more oppressive blueprints.

Admitted to Lennox House by her sadistic stepfather, Babydoll (Emily Browning) plunges into insanity after she’s scheduled to be lobotomized.

To avoid life in a vegetative state, she and her fellow female residents (Vanessa Hudgens, Jena Malone, Abbie Cornish, Jamie Chung) participant in nightly campaigns, headed up by a sagacious spirit (Scott Glenn), that takes them through otherworldly motifs, in search of five items that will help them escape.

With scantly-clad girls massacring samurais, dragons, and Nazis, this multi-level metaphorical mess is a meaningless meander through an adolescent male’s wet dream.

Besides, most of the crazy women inside a mental institute are only there because they suffer from being a woman.  0

Barney’s Version

The worst thing about getting an old person’s version of anything is that they’re going to use it as an opportunity to whine about the price of bus fare.

Fortunately, the bulk of this fictional biography is set when the protagonist isn’t so senile.

Barney (Paul Giamatti) is an opinionated television producer, with a penchant for booze, hockey and women, who’s accused of murder when his friend Boogie (Scott Speedman) disappears.

As the mystery unravels, so to does the shroud surrounding Barney’s romantic liaisons, including those with his emotionally imbalanced first wife (Rachelle Lefevre), his wealthy second wife (Minnie Driver) and his third wife (Rosamund Pike), whom he met at his second wedding.

Based on the book by Mordecai Richler, Barney’s Version is a well-acted, funny, somewhat monotonous, tale about a quirky Canadian malcontent.

And while complaining isn’t typical Canadian behaviour, it’s important to note that Barney is from Quebec.  0

***That Time of the Year***

Season of the Witch

Women gravitate towards Wicca, because unlike Christianity it doesn’t consider them to be the harbingers of sin.

Unfortunately, this horror movie about the earth-centric religion is not the best example of that aforementioned assertion.

Plagued with recurring nightmares of her traveling husband, bored housewife Joan (Jan White) seeks the spiritual counsel of her tarot card-reading neighbour (Virginia Greenwald), who is also the head priestess of the neighbourhood coven.

Convinced that she too is a witch, Joan goes a little nutty, which results in her using witchcraft to seduce her daughter’s TA, and get away with murder.

A psychological trip through the mind of a lonely housewife, Season of the Witch is a less-zombified movie than what director George A. Romero is known for; however, it’s just as insightful.

As for which one is hotter: zombie or witch? When you get Skyclad with a witch their decomposing genitals don't fall off.

He's a Smell-caster. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Bakes his Own Destiny. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 24, 2011 

Kismet the Cook. First up…

The Adjustment Bureau

The best thing about a secret agency controlling the destiny of humans is that it allows us more time to focus on "planking".

However, to the political candidate in this sci-fi feature, freewill is paramount.

Practicing his speech in a washroom, congressman Norris (Matt Damon) is cornered by a strange woman, Elise (Emily Blunt), who insists he be more candid with the electorate.

On her recommendation, Norris finds himself propelled into the senate race.

But when he inadvertently encounters a cluster of suspicious looking characters readjusting his friend’s brain, he is made privy to a plan by a clandestine company to keep him and Elise from meeting.

Adapted from a Philip K. Dick story, The Adjustment Bureau offers interesting exposition on the origins of providence; however, its goofy acting and retro costuming are a misstep.

Besides, no one controls humanity's fate…except for those 3 crones with the spinning wheel.  0

Unknown

The best thing about suffering amnesia while visiting a European city is that you won’t remember the size of North American bathrooms.

Unfortunately, the diminutive dimensions of the loo are the last thing on the mind of the memory loss sufferer in this mystery.

Arriving at a hotel in Berlin, Dr. Harris (Liam Neeson) suddenly realizes that he forgot his briefcase at the airport.

Abandoning his wife Liz (January Jones) in the lobby, Harris hails a cab. En route, the taxi plunges into the river.

Revived in hospital with no memory, Harris retraces his steps beginning with the cab driver (Diane Kruger).

When he is finally reunited with his wife, Harris' stunned to find her with another man claiming to be Dr. Harris (Aidan Quinn).

With its scenic setting, intense acting and tolerable twists, Unknown is a capable whodunit.

As for travel related amnesia, I think baggage handlers have it.  0

The Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules  

First of all, no one calls them diaries – they’re blogs. Secondly, they’re only for moms who believe they know everything about child rearing.

And while the wimpy kid in this comedy still handwrites, he is getting acquainted with the Internet.

In search of attention, Greg (Zachary Gordon) and his friend Rowley (Robert Capron) release a viral video on the web.

Meanwhile, his older brother Rodrick (Devon Bostick) and his band prep for an upcoming school talent show.

One night, however, while their parents (Rachael Harris, Steve Zahn) are away, Rodrick throws a house party.

Originally against the gathering, Greg eventually embraces it.

Later, when their parents find photos of the party, a fissure in the brothers newly formed friendship begins to form.

Addressing brotherly issues this time around, Wimpy Kid 2 maintains equivalent levels of high jinks compared to its predecessor.

As for the school showcase, is bullying a talent?  0  

The Eagle

Roman centurions were notorious for their stabbing technique – which they not only showcased when they raped their enemies women, but sometimes on the battlefield.

Amazingly, the opinion that the Roman solider in this action movie has of his army is a high one.

After he's injured in battle, ex-centurion Marcus (Channing Tatum) heads into an uncharted area of Britain inhabited by the mysterious Picts to reclaim the eagle insignia his father lost.

Accompanying him is Esca (Jamie Bell), a British slave whom he freed from the gladiatorial games.

Burning with white-hot rage for Romans, Esca eventually learns to respect Marcus as a man. Meanwhile, Marcus sees the errors of his Empire.

An intriguing story about valor, honour and Rome’s colonization of the UK, this adaptation of the popular book is marred by Tatum’s cardboard performance.

Furthermore, if the emblem turns up in a Roman bathhouse, don’t bend over to pick it up. 0

***Oh My Demigod!***

Hercules

If you went solely on Greek statues, then you could assume that all Grecians have no arms.

Fortunately, the Greek demigod rendered in this animated-adventure has both limbs.

Orphaned from his parents, Zeus (Rip Torn) and Hera, thanks to Hades (James Woods), Hercules (Tate Donovan) is raised by humans, with no knowledge of his birthright.

It’s not until he visits the Temple of Zeus that he learns of his true bloodline. As well as his purpose: to reclaim his position on Mount Olympus through gallantry on Earth.

And to do that, he needs renowned hero-maker/satyr Phil (Danny DeVito) and his winged-mount Pegasus.

Elsewhere, Hades plans to usurp his brother by releasing the Titans.

One of the few Disney movies geared towards young males, Hercules is an action-packed party of mythological proportions.

Furthermore, it may inspire a few fatties out there to go kill themselves a lion with their bare hands.

He Myth Interprets. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Alienated Invader. He’s the…

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Week of June 17, 2011

I come from an estrange world. First up...

Battle: Los Angeles

The only foreseeable reason as to why invading aliens would choose to occupy the City of Angels is that its rampant wildfires remind them of their scorched home world.

Unfortunately, this sci-fi movie doesn’t divulge where they originated from; however, we do know they didn’t come in peace.

Arriving in LA, in the form of a meteorite, the well-armed aliens emerge from their transports, and quickly set about destroying humanity.

Assigned to the West Coast war zone, a grizzled army sergeant, Nantz (Aaron Eckhart), ends up leading a rag-tag team of soldiers and civilians (Michelle Rodriguez, Ne-Yo, Bridget Moynahan) in an all-out resistance against their enemy.

With a motive so pedestrian, a look so overworked, and an origin so vague, the aliens of this insipid spectacle are as vapid as their California captives.    

Furthermore, an easier way for an alien race to enslave Angelenos would be to release a sex-tape.  0

Red Riding Hood

For millions around the world, Red Riding Hood has always been…a super-sexy, slightly pedophiliac, Halloween costume.

And though the hem of the hooded ingénue in this fantasy is well below her knees, it does not impede her young lust.

In Daggerhorn, there is a long-standing truce between the villagers and the werewolf that lives in the woods.

But, when the older sister of Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is found dead from a werewolf-attack, the armistice is absolved. And an authority on lycanthropy (Gary Oldman) is acquired.     

Meanwhile, Valerie’s relationship with a woodcutter (Shiloh Fernandez) is threatened when her parents (Billy Burke, Virginia Madsen) insist she marry the blacksmith’s son (Max Irons).

A trite teenage re-interpretation of the fair tale, Red Riding Hood foregoes the fable’s morals, and, instead, focuses on a supernatural love triangle.

Besides, the only way to rid a village of a werewolf is to elect a vampire mayor.  0

Hall Pass

It’s common for married couples to introduce high school related objects into their sex life, i.e. Catholic schoolgirls outfit, the principal’s paddle or the nurse’s head lice comb.

Surprisingly, the sexual adults in this comedy decided to implement hall passes into their foreplay.

Fed up with their husbands wandering eyes, Maggie (Jenna Fischer) and Grace (Christina Applegate) decide to grant their spouses, Rick (Owen Wilson) and Fred (Jason Sudeikis) a week’s autonomy from marital obligations, specifically monogamy.

Initially thrilled with the prospect of being single again, both would-be bachelors find their fantasies aren’t as attainable as first hoped.

Meanwhile, their wives inadvertently find themselves pursued by a number of male suitors.

With a capable cast, and a few big laughs, this gross-out comedy sees the floundering Farrelly Brothers return to form.

Besides, the only real appeal to being a single guy again is the wide variety of Swanson Hungry-Man dinners.  0

Big Momma: Like Father, Like Son

The worst day for an African-American actor is the day that he or she must put on the first of what will be many fat suits.

Unfortunately for the teen actor in this comedy, his moment of humiliation has come at an early age.

When his partner hides a flash-drive on an all-girls arts college campus, Detective Turner (Martin Lawrence) must don his Big Momma persona to infiltrate the student body.

Aiding Turner on this undercover endeavor is his arrogant stepson Trent/Charmaine (Brandon T. Jackson), a hopeful rapper and an unintentional murder witness.

Now, Big Momma and Charmaine must locate the flash-drive before the bad guys catch on to their disguises.

The third installment of the Big Momma franchise, Like Father, Like Son is a failed attempt at resuscitating an unfunny and insulting series.

Besides, there are more comical issues to exploit in a skinny character who use to be fat.  0

***Intergalacticked Off***

Mars Attacks!

Out of all of the planets I’d never have guessed that the celestial body named after the God of War would ever attack.

Similarly flabbergasted by this Martian incursion is the ensemble cast of this sci-fi comedy. 

Surrounding the Earth with a flotilla of UFOs, an envoy from the Martians addresses the populace with a message of peace. But the armistice is brief. And soon the Martians lay waste to Washington, New York and Las Vegas.

Meanwhile, politicians, military officials and civilians (Jack Nicholson, Annette Bening, Christina Applegate, Sarah Jessica Parker, Martin Short, Jack Black, Michael J. Fox, Natalie Portman, Danny DeVito, Pierce Brosnan, Glenn Close, Tom Jones) fight back.

Based on the Topps trading card series, this intentionally campy ode to 1950s sci-fi truly encapsulates director Tim Burton’s once sardonic and anarchic sensibilities.

Besides, the way things are going here, it’d be wiser to trade Earth for the UFOs.

He's a Civillian. He's the...

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