Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Super Powered-Down. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 30, 2017

With great powers comes get property damage. First up…

 

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Power Rangers

The most important lesson Powers Rangers taught children was which colour represents which race.

Sadly, that useful education tool has been omitted from this fantasy.

When a disgraced quarterback (Dacre Montgomery), a troubled cheerleader (Naomi Scott), an autistic nerd (RJ Cyler), a lesbian loner (Becky G) and a momma’s boy (Ludi Lin) unearth ancient colour coded coins they gain unimaginable powers.

Aided by their new mentor (Bryan Cranston), his android (Bill Hader) and their vehicles that morph into a mega mecha, the quintet sets out to stop a former ranger (Elizabeth Banks) from finding the all-powerful Zeo Crystal.    

While this update of the Japanese super-hero kids’ show manages to represent all races and special interests, its inconstant tone keeps it from telling an engaging story. The lack of mega-sized monsters is also concerning.

Incidentally, the best way to keep colossal combatants off your building is to install massive bird spikes.  Red Light

 

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CHIPS

Escaping from a motorcycle cop is as easy as jumping off the back of the bike at a red light.

Mind you, the officers in this comedy would just be lucky to make an arrest.

FBI agent Ponch (Michael Peña) goes undercover to expose corruption inside of California Highway Patrol after a rash of armoured car heists have gone unsolved by the department’s lieutenant  (Vincent D'Onofrio). Unfortunately, Ponch’s new partner (Dax Shepard) is a retired competition dirt bike racer with a serious painkiller addiction.

However, Ponch’s own secret sex addiction is also keeping him from concluding the investigation.

Based on the 1980s cop drama, this boilerplate buddy-comedy written and directed by Shepard falls far short of its intrepid inspiration. Marred by unfunny jokes, an obvious villain and over-the-top bike chases, CHIPS is more trash than tribute. 

Unfortunately, funerals for cops who ride motorcycles do require more than one coffin.  Red Light

***Morphin Addict***

 

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Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie

When you manned a vehicle in the 1990s that fused together to become an enormous robot everyone just called you Voltron.

Luckily, this fantasy film assuages any similarities between the super robots.

When the witch Rita and her master Lord Zedd unearth an ancient egg, they unleash the purple despot Ivan Ooze (Paul Freeman) on Angel Grove: home of the Power Rangers (Amy Jo Johnson, Jason David Frank, David Yost)

Ooze promptly imprisons his evil benefactors before stripping the Power Rangers of their morphing abilities, and setting his own agenda on how to rule the Earth.

Not only does this feature-length version of the popular TV show feature the original Ranger line up, but also their inept high school tormenters: Bulk and Skull. Faithfull but with a cinematic edge, this adaptation provides more than adequate camp.

Besides, morphing into a giant robot only looks cool when both legs show up.

He’s in Bad Shapeshifting. He's the... 

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Extraterrestrial Life Coach. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 23, 2017

There is no one slimier than you. First up...

Life

The best part of finding new forms of life is getting to name them after overrated ‘70s rock bands.

However, the scientists in this sci-fi movie won’t have time to name their deadly discovery: The Eagles.

While on route back home, crew-members aboard an international space station  (Jake Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds) uncover a latent organism in some Martian topsoil.

When the entity is roused, everyone is ecstatic. When it begins to feed off them for sustenance, they become panicked. Meanwhile, the ship has lost all communications and has started displacing fuel, threatening their safe reentry to Earth.

With its painfully mundane title, its derivative space alien script, and the astronauts scant character development, Life comes off as a pointless and unexciting voyage that is reminiscent of similar interstellar tales that are far superior.

Incidentally, you do have to declare all alien life you purchased on your customs form.  Red Light

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Wilson

They don’t launch average folks into space is because they’d just complain the whole time.

In fact, the squeaky wheel in this comedy wouldn’t even make it past the interview.

Wilson (Woody Harrelson) is a misanthropic, middle-aged curmudgeon with a lack of social grace who spends the bulk of his day antagonizing passersby about their life choices.

When he learns he has a daughter he has never met, Wilson decides to track her (Isabella Amara) and her mother (Laura Dern) down for an impromptu reunion.

But things go awry when Wilson is imprisoned for kidnapping his offspring.

Based on the graphic novel by underground artist Daniel Clowes, Wilson’s sardonic script was also adapted by its creator, with good and bad results. While Harrelson embodies the titular grump, Clowes’ acerbic script insults viewers’ intelligence while not proving it’s any shrewder.

Moreover, people who confront strangers can probably recommend the best pepper-spray.  Yellow Light

 

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T2 Trainspotting

You can always tell someone is an ex-junkie by the way they always chew on a hypodermic.

Not as easy as smoking, the former users in this comedy did quit heroin…for a while.

Returning to Edinburgh 20-years after fleeing with cash he and his mates scored in a heroin deal, Renton (Ewan McGregor) reconnects with the one least likely to kill him (Ewen Bremner) first.

Violent encounters with Sick Boy (Jonny Lee Miller) and Begbie (Robert Carlyle) come afterwards. Following the reunion, the foursome work on a plan to secure a business loan for a brothel. But some seek to settle old debits.

This sequel to the 1996 cult classic finds the same cast and director, Danny Boyle, returning for a second hit. Unfortunately, that entails removing everything pleasurable about the first and injecting the characters with boring 21-century cynicism. 

Ironically, with today’s safe injection sites, heroin use is practically encouraged.  Red Light

***E.T. Need Help***

 

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Alien Nation

The hardest part of recovery for an alien drug addict is not annihilating everyone at the intervention.

So, hopefully, the cops in this sci-fi movie can keep a new drug off the streets.  

Homicide detective Sykes (James Caan) is assigned a new partner, but is hesitant on account he's a Newcomer (Mandy Patinkin), an alien race that came to Earth three years ago. Sykes finally agrees, hoping it’ll lead to his partner’s otherworldly killer.

Their unconventional coupling instead uncovers a scheme by an extraterrestrial kingpin (Terence Stamp) to flood the market with a space drug that has violent effects on Newcomers.

A high-concept analogy on immigration that is reduced to a buddy-cop comedy thanks to its by-the-numbers mystery and hammy leads, whose banter is painful. So it’s no surprise this boilerplate model was later developed for television. 

The biggest problem with alien cops, however, is all their unwarranted anal probing. 

He’s the Extra Long Arm of the Law. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Man of Codependent Means. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 16, 2017

Every bachelor starts out an orphan. First up…

 

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The Lego Batman Movie

The upside to Lego Batman is when he runs out of batarangs he can become a choking hazard.

Fortunately, the Caped Crusader in this animated-comedy is well equipped.

Batman’s (Will Arnett) plan to banish The Joker (Zach Galifianakis) to the Phantom Zone backfires when he escapes - along with an array of other villains - and wreaks havoc on Wayne Manor.

To stop him, the notorious loner must rely on his new ward (Michael Cera) and his butler (Ralph Fiennes) for assistance.

Meanwhile, the new police commissioner (Rosario Dawson) moves forward with plans to banish Batman.

A direct descendant of The Lego Movie, this silly spin-off featuring the Batman character brings levity to the Bat-franchise – especially self-awareness – but not all of the jokes are winners. In fact, this movie’s frenzied pace does the comedy a disservice.

Incidentally, the Lego Batmobile retails for about the same price as the real one.  Yellow Light

 

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John Wick: Chapter 2

  

Usually, the second chapter of a retired hitman’s biography never gets completed.

Surprisingly, the ex-assassin in this action movie still has his brains inside his head.

Out of obligation to guild rules, former button-man John Wick (Keanu Reeves) must liquidate the sister of a notorious kingpin when he calls in an old mark to keep her from ascending to the high council of crime.  Things go awry for John when his employer places a bounty on his head for killing his sister.

To get revenge, John will need help from another crime czar (Laurence Fishburne).

Picking up after the first movie, this slick sequel doesn’t waste any time getting down to highly choreographed fistfights and shoot-outs that defy physics. But unlike the original, the story this time around is less emotional and more brainless.

Besides, the best way to kill a retired hitman is to poison their early-bird dinner special.  Yellow Light

***Blinded Justice***

 

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Streets of Fire

The best thing about being judge, jury and executioner is the three paychecks.

Mind you, the merc in this action-musical is getting justice pro bono.

The head of a local gang (Willem Dafoe) kidnaps the singer (Diane Lane) of a new wave band at the exact time her solider-of-fortune ex-boyfriend (Michael Paré) returns home.

To retrieve her, he must team with her new boyfriend (Rick Moranis) and another mercenary (Amy Madigan). But freeing the songstress is only half of the battle as a hammer fight is the only conclusion.

A stylish blend of 1950s aesthetic and 1980s music, this cult hit from the ladder time period is in a class of its own. But a notable soundtrack and an indistinct era isn’t enough to save the dull lead or the script’s comic-bookish narrative.

Furthermore, if you did blend the ‘50s with the ‘80s you would get McCarthyists with feathered bangs.

He’s a Cabbage Patch Kidnapper. He’s the…

Vidiot