He's Counting Black Sleep. He's the...
Vidiot
Week of June 9, 2017
Fairy tale folk ate a lot of cursed princes
by mistake. First up...
Beauty and the Beast
The upside to marrying a beast is you can
forgo getting a family pet.
Mind you, the opposite species in this
musical may not even make it that far.
When the mysterious owner of an abandoned
castle imprisons her father (Kevin Kline) for theft, independent adolescent
Belle (Emma Watson) embarks on a journey to take his place behind bars.
On arrival she discovers her father’s
captor is an anthropomorphic beast (Dan Stevens) that was cursed by a witch,
along with his household items (Ian McKellen, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci,
Emma Thompson), which are now sentient.
Disney’s semi-live-action adaptation of
their own animated version of the French fairy tale, this shot-for-shot remake
is a visual feast for the eyes and fun for all-ages - even if the beast does
look off and Belle’s suitors are too mature for her.
Unfortunately, the success of this fable
could spark bestiality trends among young people. Green Light
A Cure to Wellness
Without the Internet people would be
diagnosing themselves with ailments they didn’t have.
Unfortunately, the health resort in this
psychological thriller doesn’t have WiFi.
Dispatched by board members to bring their
missing CEO back from a Swiss sanitarium so he can finalize a merger, company
up-and-comer Lockhart (Dane DeHaan) agrees to meet with the resident physician
(Jason Isaacs) concerning visitation.
Conveniently, Lockhart later checks himself
in after an accident. Inside he meets Hannah (Mia Goth), who drinks blue liquid
to stay in the pink and tells Lockhart of the doctor’s misdeeds concerning
female fertilization.
While it does have an intriguing story with
striking visuals, colour schemes and set design, this timely tale of moral
integrity versus moral corruption - and the cure for it - is extremely
long-winded in its delivery with a laughable lead performance from its
dead-eyed star.
Moreover, Swiss wellness retreats are
really just magnificently expensive placebos.
Yellow Light
***Kellogg’s Corny Flakes***
The Road to Wellsville
The key to getting fit is wearing athletic
apparel everywhere you go in public.
Others, like those in this dramedy,
maintain exercise and diet is the key.
Breakfast cereal magnate Dr. Kellogg
(Anthony Hopkins) operates a wellness center in the Michigan woods where the
world’s wealthiest (Matthew Broderick, Bridget Fonda) come for treatment for an
assortment of ailments.
Surprisingly, most of the cures come from
sexual and business liaisons with a hodgepodge of eccentrics (Lara Flynn Boyle,
John Cusack, Dana Carvey) instead of coming from Kellogg’s brand of abstinence
and colon cleansing.
But it’s those extracurricular activities
that threaten the retreat’s existence.
A star-studded affair that was both a
critical and financial flop, this perverted depiction of Kellogg’s clean living
criteria from 1994 is more lecherous than humorous. And that includes Hopkins’
cringe worthy turn as the cornflake maker.
Besides, who wants to swim in a pool full
of milk?
He’s a Health Nutcracker. He’s the…
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