Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Mild Animal. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 31, 2017

Dogs never beg for what you’re drinking. First up…

 

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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

The main difference between British and American wizards is the latter has a show in Las Vegas.

Historically, however, that wasn’t always the case, as detailed in this fantasy.

A magical zoologist from England, Newt (Eddie Redmayne), arrives in NYC with an enchanted suitcase teeming with a mysterious menagerie.

When his bag is mistakenly switched with a baker’s (Dan Fogler) some of the creatures escape. Now Newt, and his US counterpart (Katherine Waterston), must recapture them before they run amok.

Meanwhile, a prominent wizard (Colin Farrell) plots to out wizardry to the public.

An adaptation of J. K. Rowling’s book that was scripted by the author herself, Beasts is brimming with her whimsy and ingenuity, yet detached from her other wizard franchise enough to make this rollicking adventure more accessible and enjoyable.

As for the beasts that they don’t locate, they end up being served on New York hot dog carts.  Green Light  

 

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Patriots Day

If you’re going to detonate a bomb at a marathon, do it before everyone runs the 26 miles.

Inconsiderately, the assailants in this thriller discharged their explosives at the end.

The finish line to the 2013 Boston Marathon turns into a bloodbath when two brothers with radical Islamic beliefs set-off a series of homemade bombs that kill 3 and injured hundreds.

While the local FBI agent (Kevin Bacon) is spearheading the manhunt, it is Boston’s own police force (Mark Wahlberg, John Goodman, J. K. Simmons) that ends up risking their lives in an epic shootout with the heavily armed suspects. 

Reducing this real life tragedy to action-thriller fodder, this overly patriotic, Xenophobic, action-packed re-telling of those harrowing April events has less to do with honouring the victims and more to do with entertaining audiences.

Incidentally, you don’t need bombs to deter people from marathons – running is enough in its self.  Yellow Light

 

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Why Him?

A father’s best defence against his son-in-law’s sex stories about his daughter is dirty diaper stories about her.

The duo in this comedy, however, is sharing more than female fluid anecdotes.

Surprised to discover that his princess, Stephanie (Zoey Deutch), is dating Laird (James Franco), Ned (Bryan Cranston) drives his family (Megan Mullally, Griffin Gluck) down to California for a visit.

Ned’s surprise turns to shock when he learns that Laird is worth millions, and that Stephanie is dropping out of school to work for him.

Vacillating between love and hate for his daughter’s free spirited suitor, Ned ultimately decides to sabotage their relationship by exposing Laird as a fraud.

A crude copy of a million other awkward son-in-law storylines, this most recent incarnation of the well-worn narrative is not inventive or humorous enough to standout from the herd.

Furthermore, to keep your daughter doubly safe: marry your son-in-law’s mom.  Red Light

***Hay Buuuudy***

 

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Son in Law

The best part about being a son-in-law is having a father you don’t have to call on Father’s Day.

Mind you, the suitor in this comedy would do anything to impress his future in-laws.

During Thanksgiving, college coed Becca (Carla Gugino) returns to her rural South Dakota homestead with her garish boyfriend Crawl (Pauly Shore) in tow.

While her family is caught off-guard by her new beau, Crawl is even more surprised when he must pretend to be engaged to Becca so her ex-boyfriend doesn’t propose.

Furthermore, the accident-prone Californian has to navigate through the pitfalls of farm life.

Shore’s follow-up to Encino Man, this fish-out-of-water situation brings Shore’s divisive persona to the forefront with mixed results. As annoying as ever, the spattering of laughs isn’t enough to win over the comedian’s loyal detractors.

Besides, no fiancé you bring back to the farm will be satisfactory unless it’s your brother.

He’s an Ant Farmhand. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Surefire Fighter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 24, 2017

Hit men do not write hit songs. First up…

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Assassin’s Creed

The upside to being an assassin is that one-day you might actually get to kill your boss.

And who would know better than the inherent assassin in this action movie?

Alan (Jeremy Irons) and his daughter (Marion Cotillard) are scientists with a clandestine organization out to prevent the modern-day Templar from enslaving the human race.

To help them locate an artifact that can decode human free will, the pair abducts a death row inmate, Callum (Michael Fassbender), with ties to an ancient assassins guild.

Thrust through time into his ancestor’s tunic, Callum learns the article’s location as well as his captor’s true intentions with it.

Although it is a higher caliber video game movie than most, this live-action version of the Ubisoft franchise suffers the same pitfalls as its gaming ilk, namely, bad acting and script.

Furthermore, sending convicts to the 1400s is a smart way to ease prison overpopulation.  Yellow Light

Live By Night

The biggest difference between the Irish mob and the Italian mob is their choice of starch.

Obviously, the Irish gangster in this drama is partial to tubers.

Run out of Boston after he is caught kissing on the Irish mob boss’ girl (Sienna Miller), ex-soldier Joe Coughlin (Ben Affleck) ends up in Florida working enforcement for the Italian mafia’s rum running business.

While he finds love with a local (Zoe Saldana), Coughlin’s problems aren’t over yet as the local sheriff (Chris Cooper), his aspiring actress daughter (Elle Fanning) and the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan make his transition in to the Tampa markets a bloody one.

Starring, directed and adapted from the novel by Affleck, this epic length vanity project brings nothing new to the gangster genre besides ludicrous dialogue, ill-fated white suits and marginal directing.

Besides, bootlegging isn’t as secure a career in Florida as say smuggling in Cubans is.  Red Light

 

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Miss Sloane 

Instating background checks on gun owners only drives up sales of replica battle-axes.

However, the lobbyist in this legal drama would prefer modern-day barbarism.

Callous lobbyist Elizabeth Sloane (Jessica Chastain) gets involved in the fight of her career when she refuses to work for a gun lobby looking to boast sells amongst females.

In fact, this pang of consciousness causes her to work for the opposition in support of a universal background check on all gun owners. But her secret life of pills and paid escorts is dragged through the bill proceedings.

With a powerful performance from Chastain as the flawed heroin, Miss Sloane is an entertaining slice of US legislature that tackles the touchy subject matter of gun control from a leftist viewpoint.

Moreover, the only way to sell guns to women is tell them they’re only for men.  Yellow Light

 ***Miami Vice Grip***

Miami Connection

The best thing about being in a bar band is that you know your groupies are of age.

Unfortunately, one of the boosters in this martial arts film is in league with ninjas.

Five taekwondo trained club musicians called Dragon Sound face off against a clan of motorcycle ninjas when the band’s bassist (Vincent Hirsch) dates the wrong girl.

Under the guidance of their lead guitarist Mark (Y.K. Kim), the lethal musicians set out to rescue their vocalist (Angelo Janotti) who has been kidnapped by the cocaine infused assassins and the girl’s brother (William Ergle).

Riding the crest of the mid-eighties ninja wave, this low-budget entry features a lesser-known fighting style but has the added bonus of bad musical numbers. Written, produced and directed by Kim, this vanity project is a ridiculous romp that cannot be taken seriously.

Incidentally, the most popular drugs sold in Florida are blood pressure related.

He's an Old Folk Hero. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Negative Spaceman. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 17, 2017

Uranus has asteroids. First up…

Passengers

The downside to hypersleep is lying in your own nocturnal emissions for 100 years.

Smartly, the cyrosleeper in this sci-fi film wakes up to get his rocks off.

When an asteroid strikes a spacecraft carrying thousands of hibernating colonists to their new home, slumbering passenger, Jim (Chris Pratt), is woken 90 years too soon.

Unable to get back to sleep, or commandeer the controls, Jim’s desperation results in him rousing a female passenger (Jennifer Lawrence) to keep him company. But when she learns the truth, his plans for love are jeopardized.

Meanwhile, damage to the ship’s reactor threatens all life aboard.

With mediocre effects, dull performances and a stalker-like narrative masquerading as a love story, this ill-fated voyage distracts from its creepiness with a boilerplate climax that adds further insult to the viewer’s intelligence.

Besides, intercourse in space is the same as intercourse on Earth, just way more expensive.  Red Light

Collateral Beauty

Losing someone is very difficult, especially when they didn’t tell you any of their online passwords.

Fortunately, the deceased in this drama was too young to have that many PINs.

Spiraling into depression after losing his daughter, ad executive Howard (Will Smith) starts penning angry letters to Love, Death and Time.

When his business partners (Edward Norton, Kate Winslet, Michael Peña) discover this they hire actors (Keira Knightley, Helen Mirren, Jacob Latimore) to portray those concepts and confront Howard publically.

However, their scheme to get him deemed insane makes them reevaluate their own feelings towards those intangibles.

A failed attempt at an uplifting ensemble, the hokey premise gets more pathetic and laughable as it limps towards to its overemotional ending. Not even its credible cast can save it from the sentimental scrapheap.

Besides, the only letters you should be sending after losing someone are those addressed to mail-order bride websites.  Red Light

Fences

The upside to being a garbage man in the 1950s was that households only had 1 garbage can.

But even that can’t keep the trash collector in this drama from complaining.

Relegated to the back of the dumpster - alongside the other black sanitation worker Bono (Stephen Henderson) - failed baseball star Troy (Denzel Washington) shares his resentment with his co-worker, his wife (Viola Davis) and his two sons on a daily basis.

Over the years his anger, drinking and his adultery drives further wedges between his loved ones. Meanwhile he wages a personal war against the Grim Reaper.

Directed by Denzel Washington and featuring an Oscar-winning performance from Davis, this minimalistic film adaptation of the Pulitzer Prize-winning stage play is a powerful, albeit long winded, portrayal of a multifaceted but ultimately unlikable character.

Incidentally, movies are better than plays because you aren’t hit by any of the actors spit.  Yellow Light

***Low Salesman***

Death of a Salesman

The upside to being a salesman in the 1950s was that people would actually open their doors to you.

But even that can’t help the pathetic peddler in this drama become a success.

Still on the travelling sales beat despite his age and deteriorating health, Willy (Dustin Hoffman) heads home after a failed business trip to spend time with his concerned wife (Kate Reid) and his sons Biff (John Malkovich) and Happy (Stephen Lang), who are both failures like him.

During their visit, Willy fades in and out of the past, confusing people and divulging secrets on the event that destroyed Biffy’s football prospects.

The Golden Globe and Emmy award winning made-for-TV movie of Arthur Miller’s lauded play, this rare film adaptation of the Loman family is stacked with solid actors who bring the pathos to this patriarchal performance.

Incidentally, when a salesman does die they retire his bar stool.

He’s an Understudy Buddy. He’s the…

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