He’s a Negative Spaceman. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of March 17, 2017
Uranus has asteroids. First up…
Passengers
The downside to hypersleep is lying in your
own nocturnal emissions for 100 years.
Smartly, the cyrosleeper in this sci-fi
film wakes up to get his rocks off.
When an asteroid strikes a spacecraft
carrying thousands of hibernating colonists to their new home, slumbering
passenger, Jim (Chris Pratt), is woken 90 years too soon.
Unable to get back to sleep, or commandeer
the controls, Jim’s desperation results in him rousing a female passenger
(Jennifer Lawrence) to keep him company. But when she learns the truth, his
plans for love are jeopardized.
Meanwhile, damage to the ship’s reactor
threatens all life aboard.
With mediocre effects, dull performances
and a stalker-like narrative masquerading as a love story, this ill-fated
voyage distracts from its creepiness with a boilerplate climax that adds
further insult to the viewer’s intelligence.
Besides, intercourse in space is the same
as intercourse on Earth, just way more expensive. Red Light
Collateral Beauty
Losing someone is very difficult,
especially when they didn’t tell you any of their online passwords.
Fortunately, the deceased in this drama was
too young to have that many PINs.
Spiraling into depression after losing his
daughter, ad executive Howard (Will Smith) starts penning angry letters to
Love, Death and Time.
When his business partners (Edward Norton,
Kate Winslet, Michael Peña) discover this they hire actors (Keira Knightley,
Helen Mirren, Jacob Latimore) to portray those concepts and confront Howard
publically.
However, their scheme to get him deemed
insane makes them reevaluate their own feelings towards those intangibles.
A failed attempt at an uplifting ensemble,
the hokey premise gets more pathetic and laughable as it limps towards to its
overemotional ending. Not even its credible cast can save it from the
sentimental scrapheap.
Besides, the only letters you should be
sending after losing someone are those addressed to mail-order bride
websites. Red Light
Fences
The upside to being a garbage man in the
1950s was that households only had 1 garbage can.
But even that can’t keep the trash
collector in this drama from complaining.
Relegated to the back of the dumpster -
alongside the other black sanitation worker Bono (Stephen Henderson) - failed
baseball star Troy (Denzel Washington) shares his resentment with his
co-worker, his wife (Viola Davis) and his two sons on a daily basis.
Over the years his anger, drinking and his
adultery drives further wedges between his loved ones. Meanwhile he wages a
personal war against the Grim Reaper.
Directed by Denzel Washington and featuring
an Oscar-winning performance from Davis, this minimalistic film adaptation of
the Pulitzer Prize-winning stage play is a powerful, albeit long winded,
portrayal of a multifaceted but ultimately unlikable character.
Incidentally, movies are better than plays
because you aren’t hit by any of the actors spit. Yellow Light
***Low Salesman***
Death of a Salesman
The upside to being a salesman in the 1950s
was that people would actually open their doors to you.
But even that can’t help the pathetic
peddler in this drama become a success.
Still on the travelling sales beat despite
his age and deteriorating health, Willy (Dustin Hoffman) heads home after a
failed business trip to spend time with his concerned wife (Kate Reid) and his
sons Biff (John Malkovich) and Happy (Stephen Lang), who are both failures like
him.
During their visit, Willy fades in and out
of the past, confusing people and divulging secrets on the event that destroyed
Biffy’s football prospects.
The Golden Globe and Emmy award winning
made-for-TV movie of Arthur Miller’s lauded play, this rare film adaptation of
the Loman family is stacked with solid actors who bring the pathos to this
patriarchal performance.
Incidentally, when a salesman does die they
retire his bar stool.
He’s an Understudy Buddy. He’s the…
Vidiot
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