Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bitch Slap on the Wrist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 29, 2016

Order earns more than Law. First up…

Ride Along 2

Telling your kids you went on a police ride along when you were really arrested only works once.

Nonetheless, the makers behind this comedy feel that their audience is less astute.

To get her rookie officer fiancé Ben (Kevin Hart) out of the way so she can plan their nuptials, Angela (Tika Sumpter) asks her reluctant brother James (Ice Cube) to take him along to Miami while he investigates a drug lord, Pope (Benjamin Bratt).

But to bring him down they must team-up with a local detective (Olivia Munn) and one of Pope’s hacker (Ken Jeong) who has been skimming money from him.

The needless sequel to the middling original, this second go-round has too many similarities to the original to be worthwhile, including weak action, hollow acting and a serious joke deficiency.

Incidentally, on Canadian police ride alongs you get to sit up on the horse behind the Mountie.  Red Light

Krampus

German folktales have to be that much scarier because the country’s history is already a nightmare.

Which explains why the St. Nick in this horror-comedy is a demon.

According to Germanic lore, when children lose their holiday spirit they’re visited by the satanic opposite of Santa, The Krampus.

At the top of his list this year is Max (Emjay Anthony) and his family (Adam Scott, Toni Collette, Allison Tolman, David Koechner), who have forgotten the meaning of the season.

Krampus hopes to remind them with help from his demonic gingerbread men.

While it’s rousing to see this Christmas creature get its’ due, this loose and laugh-less adaptation of the legend isn’t the holiday masterpiece it deserves. In fact, the ancillary villains distract from The Krampus - whose design is already questionable.

As for how to kill a Krampus, lure him to a Black Friday sale where he’ll be trampled to death.  Yellow Light

***Hairy Arm of the Law***

WolfCop

If werewolves were allowed on the force, they’d no doubt be butting heads with the K-9 unit all the time.

Case in point, the lycanthropic patrolman in this horror-comedy.

Small-town police sergeant Lou Garou (Leo Fafard) gets mixed up in the occult when he stumbles on a human sacrifice involving a local politician. This encounter leaves Lou with heightened senses and a hairy complexion.

Still lucid while in his wolf form, Garou dons his badge and helps his partner (Amy Matysio) put an end to these otherworldly rituals intended to replenish the reptilian race (Jonathan Cherry, Sarah Lind) infesting their jurisdiction.

A brazen B-movie through-and-through, this all-Canadian gore-fest utilizes its home and native land’s second-rate production values and tepid acting abilities to jury-rig together a cult classic that every camp-loving Canucks can be proud of.

Unfortunately, however, when wolf-cops are on-duty there is a drastic increase in unarmed cat shootings.

He’s Six-Armed and Dangerous. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Faux Fur Trader. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 22, 2016

Trapping beavers all-day isn’t as sexy as it sounds. First up…

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The Revenant

When attacked by a bear remember to always roll into a ball so it doesn’t have to chew you as much.

The victim in this drama, unfortunately, chose to starfish.

Hunting up north, a group of trappers (Tom Hardy, Domhnall Gleeson, Will Poulter) are engaged by natives and forced into the wilderness where a Grizzly mauls their guide, Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio).

Left for dead, Glass endures his injuries and pursues those who betrayed him. Along the way, he frees a native girl from her French-Canadian captors.

One of the most gripping tales of wilderness survival, this fact-based account of frontier justice is beautifully shot and brutally told by director Alejandro G. Iñárritu.

But its DiCaprio’s performance, supplemented by Hardy’s, which really brings the humanity to this indescribable tale.

However, due to this incident European socialites had to wait an extra month to get their beaver felt top hats.  Green Light

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Jane Got a Gun

No one has a problem with women owning guns as long as they’re disarmed before that time of the month.

Mind you, some premenstrual rage might benefit the homesteader in this Western.

Frontierswoman Jane Hammond (Natalie Portman) is forced to defend her family farm from outlaws when her bandit husband (Noah Emmerich) riles up the Bishop Boys and their devious leader (Ewan McGregor).

But to have a fighting chance against the posse, Jane must enlist her ex-fiancé (Joel Edgerton). Their reunion, however, stirs up ghosts that effect their partnership, and the bloody standoff that’s about to ensue.

An overall intriguing oater that unfolds in a fashion unfamiliar to the genre, Jane does deliver a fresh take on stock western archetypes, themes and backdrops; however, the same cannot be said of the film’s gunfights or uninspired casting.

Furthermore, fighting alongside females’ guarantees plenty of tampons on hand to plug-up the injured.  Yellow Light

***Shady Lady***

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The Quick and the Dead

Women have showdowns everyday but instead of pistols they shoot glares at each other.

Unfortunately, the female in this western will have to use something a little less subtle.

In Redemption for the quick draw competition, the Lady (Sharon Stone) attracts the attention of the corrupt organizer (Gene Hackman) and his participants: an imprisoned preacher (Russell Crowe), a kid (Leonardo DiCaprio) with something to prove and a hired gun (Keith David).

As the ranks thin, she draws closer to her true goal: killing the man who forced her to shoot her father (Gary Sinise).

A visually striking oater with rapid-fire pacing and colourful characters, director Sam Raimi brings his frenetic style to the usually static Wild West showdown with eye-popping results. This energy is even enough to make up for miscasting Stone in the lead.

Incidentally, like golf, ladies got to fire at their duelling opponents from the women’s tee.

He’s a Gun-zinger. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Deforest Creature. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of April 15, 2016

Log homes are just repurposed forests. First up…

 

The Forest

The best part about sightseeing tours to the suicide forest is that the ride back is less crowded.

Case in point, the missing American in this horror movie.

After receiving word her twin Jess has disappeared in a forest at the base of Mount Fuji known as a suicide hotspot, Sara (Natalie Dormer) dashes to Japan.

Along with a guide (Yukiyoshi Ozawa) and a reporter (Taylor Kinney), she retraces her sister’s footsteps. But only the reporter is willing to stay in the forest overnight with her because it’s haunted.

This is later confirmed when a ghost warns Sara’s about her traveling partner.

Inspired by the real Aokigahara forest, this misguided attempt at psychological terror falls short. In fact, it’s less than jarring narrative can never seem to commit to a genre. With haphazard visual jolts trumping the few psychosomatic scares.

Besides, one mammal’s suicide forest is another mammal’s international buffet.  Red Light

 

The Hallow

If you’re moving into a densely wooded area don’t be surprised to find dead sex-trade workers on your hikes.

Mind you, the only corpses the family in this horror movie is likely to find are their own.

Relocating his wife (Bojana Novakovic) and child to an isolated Irish village where he’ll be surveying for a future deforesting, Adam (Joseph Mawle) is warned about the local woods’ otherworldly inhabitants but pays no mind.

It’s not until they’re attacked do they take the wee-folk rumors seriously. Adam is specifically intrigued by Changelings and becomes convinced that his son is one.

Eschewing traditional monsters for an ancient but underrated one, this British/Irish co-production not only brings longstanding Irish folklore to the forefront but also does it in a frightening fashion that sets this import apart from its insipid American cousins.

Moreover, who’s to say the Fay don’t want a Starbucks in their forest?  Green Light

***Myth Behavin’***

 

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Three Wise Fools

Deforestation is beneficial to the Fay because its means baristas jobs aplenty.

And while the fairy-tree in this fantasy isn’t becoming a Starbucks, it’s about to be uprooted.

Determined to leave a legacy that’ll allude to their generosity, three misers (Lionel Barrymore, Edward Arnold, Lewis Stone) donate land to the university.

But their vanity project is put on hold when they learn the property actually belongs to an Irish orphan (Margaret O'Brien) whose grandmother all three had courted.

But the waif is unwilling to sell on account a tree on the parcel is refuge to the wee-folk.

Despite its unfortunate casting of little people as the forest imps, this 1946 adaptation of the stage-play does capture the enchantment of Irish folklore, and the transformative effects it has on the disillusioned.

However, if we saved every tree based on fairytales all we’d have to show for it would be stupid oxygen.

He’s a Folk Laureate. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Shitstorm Trooper. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 8, 2016

Who needs LASIK when you have a lightsaber? First up…

 

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Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Despite its liberation years ago, the Galaxy is once more under the control of a new Sith Lord: Darth Disney.

And while the Dark Mouse doesn’t make an appearance in this sci-fi movie, his presence is felt.

A forager, Rey (Daisy Ridley), befriends a droid transporting the whereabouts of the last Jedi (Mark Hamill) to the resistance General (Carrie Fisher). But an overzealous member of The First Order (Adam Driver) wants the droid too, so Rey must flee with help from an ex-stormtrooper (John Boyega).

Later, they align themselves with a grizzled smuggler (Harrison Ford) with knowledge of Rey’s newfound abilities.

With stunning effects and organic worlds, Disney’s continuation returns the franchise back to basics.

Unfortunately, that also includes familiar menaces, similar plot points and a plagiaristic ending. Not to mention a petulant child posturing as the villain.

Furthermore, where does Disney get off not including any sing-along kids songs? Yellow Light

***Cryogenic Sleepover***

 

Buck Rogers 

   

The key to deterring space invaders is making the Earth as inhabitable as possible.

Fortunately for the future earthlings in this sci-fi movie, modern man almost succeeded.

Awoken from suspended animation in 2491, Buck Rogers (Gil Gerard) finds his home world a wasteland besieged by space-pirates being held at bay by Earth's defensive shield.

Teaming with a resistance Colonel (Erin Gray), a doctor (Tim O'Connor), a supercomputer and a robot (Mel Blanc), Buck plans to thwart the nefarious plans of an enemy envoy (Pamela Hensley, Henry Silva) headed to New Chicago for a peace treaty.

Based on the operatic outer-space comic strip from the 1920s which inspired Star Wars creator George Lucas, this 1979 feature-film adaptation is hindered by its made-for-TV origins, and its similarity to the aforementioned galaxy far, far away.

However, unlike Star Wars, you can rest assure that all of Buck’s droids are out of the closet.

He’s a Wookie Mistake. He’s the…

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