Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Works Out of Shape. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 30, 2013

Home gyms are just installation art. First up…

Pain & Gain

Since prison is more or less a free gym, bodybuilders becoming criminals seems an obvious progression.

However, the muscle-heads in this comedy would prefer to be out spending their ill-gotten gains.

Daniel (Mark Wahlberg) is a personal trainer who aspires to make millions.

To achieve this, he enlists his dimwitted buddies (Anthony Mackie, Dwayne Johnson) to help kidnap and extort a fortune from a client of his, Victor (Tony Shalhoub).

While the three dumbbells successfully get Victor to sign his riches over to them, they fail to properly kill him - on more than one occasion.

As a result, Victor hires an ex-P.I. (Ed Harris) to find his bogus beneficiaries. 

Based on real events, director Michael Bay softens the malevolence of these murderous meatheads with kooky comedy, and the tragic story with stylized hyperbole.

What’s worse: being the hostage of a body-builder means that you have to spot for them.  0

Kon-Tiki

The biggest squabbles between 5 Norwegians and a Swede adrift on the ocean would likely be over the last bottle of SPF 50.

However, the fair-skinned seafarers in this historical-drama have bigger sharks to fry.

Determined to prove his theory that Polynesia had been settled by South Americans, explorer/ethnographer Thor Heyerdahl (Pål Sverre Valheim Hagen) puts his money where his mouth is.

Hiring a crew (Anders Baasmo Christiansen, Odd-Magnus Williamson, Tobias Santelmann, Gustaf Skarsgård) and assembling a raft adhering to the islanders’ balsawood technique, Thor sets sail.

Unmoored in the Pacific, Thor and his crew face a number of adversities, including storms, Great Whites and dissention from the crew.

While this epic adventure plays fast and loose with Thor’s real journey from Peru to Polynesia, it is to the visual benefit of the viewer.

Academics aside, the real reason these Viking ancestors wanted to sail to Polynesia was to pillage it.  0

***Pacific Emotion***

Hell in the Pacific

The worst part about conducting a war on a South Pacific beach is trying not to step on any of the sunbathers.

Fortunately, the warring factions in this drama are the only people on the island.

Amid the dogfights of WWII, an American pilot (Lee Marvin) is shot down over the Pacific.

Deserted on an islet, the pilot discovers he’s not alone - a Japanese Navy Officer (Toshiro Mifune) is also marooned there.

Instinctively, the two immediately try to kill one another with their limited weaponry.

Overtime, however, the pair must learn to cooperate in order to survive.

But is there enough room on the atoll for the Japanese castaway’s honour and the Yankee castaway’s bullheadedness?

With only two stars, minimal dialogue and an exotic setting, Hell in the Pacific breaks war down to its basics, and dissects.

Furthermore, this island coupling led to the creation of Japanese-American fusion cuisine.

He’s a Type-Castaway. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Cover Song Writer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 23, 2013

I'm going to plagiarize the great American novel. First up…

The Great Gatsby

The hardest part of returning from war is not being allowed to shoot whomever you wish and call it Friendly Fire.

The vet in this drama, however, finds it even harder adjusting to his love life.

Nick (Tobey Maguire) is a salesman with authorship aspirations who retreats to a Long Island cottage to write.

Adjacent to him is the enigmatic Jay Gatsby (Leonardo DiCaprio), a self-made millionaire who hosts opulent parties.

On the old money side of the lake resides Nick’s cousin Daisy (Carey Mulligan).

Eventually, Gatsby confides in Nick his covetousness towards Daisy, and how her husband (Joel Edgerton) cannot keep them apart.

Based on F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel of 1920s overindulgence, director Baz Luhrmann emphasizes the intemperance with unique cinematography, but at the expense of the story’s impact. 

Incidentally, GI’s returning from war in the roarin’ twenties could always use their army bugles to become jazz musicians. 0

Epic

Being microscopic means your friends expect you to trim their nose hairs, clean their bellybutton and deliver suppositories.

Fortunately, the minuscule mortals in this animated adventure don’t have to perform such repugnant tasks.

While selecting a sprout as her heir, the queen of the forest (Beyoncé Knowles) is attacked by her enemies the Boggans, and is injured.

Before passing, she magically shrinks a human, M.K. (Amanda Seyfried) to her size and presents her with the royal pod.

Instructed to take it to a glowworm (Steven Tyler), M.K. bonds with two leaf soldiers (Josh Hutcherson, Colin Farrell) who agree to protect her from the Boggan leader (Christoph Waltz).

Above the lawn, M.K.’s father (Jason Sudeikis) searches for her in their backyard.

With unimpressive animation, annoying supporting characters and a sub-standard script, Epic is anything but.   

And to protect your lawn from infinitesimal armies, simply have your dog’s butt bomb their battlefield.  0 

Scary MoVie 

The key to creating a great parody is to never watch any installment of the Scary Movie franchise.

Regrettably, the makers of this comedy not only ignored that rule but also made one of their own.

On a mission to snatch weed plants from the wild, Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller encounter a cabin that is occupied by three wilding girls.

The offspring of Charlie Sheen, the feral orphans are entrusted to his brother Dan (Simon Rex) and his girlfriend Jody (Ashley Tisdale).

Protecting the sisters from harm is an evil spirit named Mama.

Jody later uses the book of the dead to exorcise Mama from the children’s lives.

Infantile and redundant comedy combined with overt and pointless references to contemporary movies, Scary MoVie is devoid of purpose and laughs.

Now, if we can get Scary Movi6 to lampoon Scary Movie 1-5 than maybe this series will implode.  0

Amour

It’s unfortunate the only place where the ratio of women to men is 15:1 is an old folks home.

However, the elderly couple in this drama won’t make it there.

Georges (Jean-Louis Trintignant) and Anne (Emmanuelle Riva) are retired piano teachers living in Paris.

One morning Anne suffers a stroke. Later, she undergoes surgery. Unfortunately, the operation leaves half her body paralyzed.

Before things get worse, she confesses to Georges that she cannot continue like this, and doesn’t want any more medical treatment.

As she deteriorates, their daughter Eva (Isabelle Huppert) insists Anne be put in a home. But Georges refuses to break his promise to his wife.

A love story made tragic by the unavoidable consequence of life, this French language feature is heart wrenching and sincere.

However, most often it is the husband who dies first in order to make sure that there are no spiders in heaven.  0

***Gen-Jazz***

Bright Young Things

The difference between London and New York circa 1920s was British flappers drove drunk on the left side of the road. 

Luckily, the young folks in this drama have cocaine to sober them up.

During the twenties, the well-to-do English youth threw elaborate booze and narcotic filled parties.

Involved in the shenanigans are struggling writer Adam (Stephen Campbell) and his soon-to-be wife (Emily Mortimer).

But before they can marry, Adam needs to claim horserace winnings from an eccentric Major (Jim Broadbent).

To make ends meet, he ghostwrites a gossip column expounding the daily dalliances of his friends (Michael Sheen, Fenella Woolgar), to the pleasure of his editor (Dan Aykroyd)

A well-acted glimpse at England’s self-indulgent post-WWI climate, Young Bright Things manages to show the perils of being young and rich as much as the pearls.

Besides, it’s better to party when you don’t need a nurse to do a keg-stand.

He's Nouveau Pauvre. He's the...

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