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He’s a Contradictionary. He’s the…

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Week of January 31, 2014

Webster was an illiterate. First up…

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

The only time that I can really appreciate a meatball monsoon is when its followed up by an antacid rainbow.

Mind you, the man-eating meals in this animated adventure aren't too concerned with agitating anyone’s esophagus.

In the wake of a food deluge that ravaged his hometown, inept inventor Flint (Bill Hader), his girlfriend (Anna Faris), his monkey (Neil Patrick Harris) and the townsfolk (James Caan, Benjamin Bratt, Terry Crews) are relocated.

But when Flint’s icon (Will Forte) asks him to help find the food-making machine causing all of the chaos, he and his friends get to return home, only to discover its overrun by carnivorous cuisine.

   

The requisite sequel to the 2009 hit, Cloudy 2 serves up similar slapstick fare to its precursor.

However, despite clever food-animal classifications, this time around the kooky characters and adult humour feels forced.

Incidentally, alive or not, KFC's Double Down will kill you.  Yellow Light

Rush

An easy way to curtail crashes in Formula One is to introduce distracted driver laws.

Unfortunately, those laws would be as ineffective in this 1970s action movie as they are in 2014.

From their early days in F3, Britain’s rebel racer James Hunt (Chris Hemsworth) and Austria’s pedantic Niki Lauda (Daniel Brühl) had a rivalry.

Their competitiveness increased as both advanced to F1.

Between Grand Prix both marry (Olivia Wilde, Alexandra Maria Lara) and struggle to balance love of life and love of death.

But that audaciousness is tested when Niki is disfigured in an accident, and James looses his direction.

Based on real racers and real races, director Ron Howard handles this rubber-burning biography with precision. 

And though the ending is somewhat anticlimactic, it’s a testament to the film’s authenticity.  

Incidentally, after that many laps around a boring track, who wouldn’t get road rage and start a grudge match? Green Light

The Fifth Estate

If WikiLeaks is anything like Wikipedia than their information is only 15% accurate.

Either way, this thriller about the whistleblower website does not allow users to edit its content.

From their early days as online activists, Julian Assange (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Daniel Domscheit-Berg (Daniel Brühl) have had a mentor and student relationship.

It is not until their online news-leaking enterprise starts exposing politician’s personal information that Daniel sees his hero has feet of clay.

But that doesn’t compare to when Julian leaks top-secret missives concerning world leader standings, covert air strikes and evidence of corruption and cover-ups.

Despite Cumberbatch’s spot-on performance as Assange, this adaptation of Domscheit-Berg’s memoir portrays him as a whack-job.

Furthermore, the compelling subject matter is cluttered up with languid directing, monotonous dialogue and a useless romance.

Besides, if politicians didn’t want their dirt circulated on the Internet than they shouldn’t have let Al Gore invent it. Red Light

***Sniveling Rivalry***

Amadeus

One way to combat competition in the music industry is to find bands/singers that don’t all sound/look the same.

Thankfully, the pianists in this historical biography sound nothing alike.

From his room in an insane asylum, Antonio Salieri (F. Murray Abraham) ruminates on his rivalry with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (Tom Hulce).

A celebrated composer in his own right, Salieri creates pieces for the Holy Roman Emperor Joseph II (Jeffrey Jones).

But his piety and his work pale in comparison to the pink-haired Austrian with a penchant for partying and penning masterpieces.

Jealous of Mozart’s success, Salieri secretly commissions the destitute musician so he can capitalize off his genius, and finally secure the notoriety he believes he’s due.

With a stupefying symphonic soundtrack supplied by Mozart and an Oscar-winning performance from Abraham, this adaptation of the play is a milestone in cinematic rivalry.

In an ironic twist, Salieri’s ancestor invented Betamax.

He’ll be Bach. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s got a No Can Do Attitude. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 24, 2014

Trying is the prequel to failing. First up…

Captain Phillips

The best part of being a sea captain is getting to preside over all those same-sex marriages between crewmembers.

Unfortunately, there won’t be any ceremonies aboard the container ship in this thriller.

After navigating the Horn of Africa, a US cargo ship is attacked by a Somali pirate (Barkhad Abdi) and his posse.

Ordering his crew (David Warshofsky, Michael Chernus, Chris Mulkey, Corey Johnson) into hiding, Captain Richard Phillips (Tom Hanks) leads the thieves on a wild goose chase.

Eventually, the pirates set adrift in a lifeboat with Phillips as their hostage. But a no-nonsense Navy SEAL (Max Martini) is steadfast they’ll never reach the shore.

Based on true events, Captain Phillips is an edge-of-your-seat adaptation of the real captain’s harrowing account that delivers both credible performances and white-knuckle excitement.

Incidentally, to deal with Somali pirates just airdrop a dead Beluga on the ship’s bow and let Green Peace loose.  Green Light  

Machete Kills

The inspiration for the Piñata was likely the first Mexican drug mule beaten to death by US boarder patrol.

And while we’ll never know the truth, cartels are still rampant as this action movie denotes.

To gain American citizenship, Machete (Danny Trejo) must kill a schizophrenic drug lord (Demián Bichir) with access to nuclear missiles.

As he hacks through cronies, Machete learns his target is only a pawn. The real puppet-master is a fan-boy businessman (Mel Gibson) with plans to nuke Earth after fleeing to his space station. 

The first sequel to the movie based on the fake trailer from Grindhouse, Machete Kills has overstayed its one-off welcome.

With pointless Star Wars references, endless/useless cameos and a puerile script littered with intentionally bad humour, this mess never stops winking at the audience.

As for Mexicans in space, racist astronauts would delegate them to pruning the shrubs in the space terrarium.  Red Light

 

Blue Jasmine

The saddest part of going from riches to rags is cutting your expensive clothes up and rolling in dirt until you look destitute.

Not so for the urbane ex-socialite in this dramedy however.

When Jasmine’s (Cate Blanchett) businessman husband (Alec Baldwin) is busted for stealing from his clients - including Jasmine’s sister Ginger (Sally Hawkins) and her now ex-husband (Andrew Dice Clay) - she has no choice but to move in with Ginger and her sons.

Unable to adjust to blue-collar living, or Ginger’s boyfriend (Bobby Cannavale), Jasmine wrangles a rich widower (Peter Sarsgaard) with a cavalcade of untruths, like her estranged son’s existence or her husband’s true fate.

The latest offering from Woody Allen, Blue Jasmine is a well-paced class struggle mystery of sorts that elegantly unravels itself as the lead’s graceful facade turns frantic.

Incidentally, an excellent career option for the nouveau poor is becoming their butler’s butler.  Green Light

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

The key to raising a well-behaved grandparent is crate training.

Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman in this comedy is permitted to roam around on his own - for the time being.

Ecstatic over his wife’s passing, Irving’s (Johnny Knoxville) celebration is short lived when his jailbird daughter drops his grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll) off.

Unwilling to wean the 8-year, Irving makes a deal with Billy’s deadbeat dad to deliver him to North Carolina.

Along the way, the two are embroiled in an array of uncomfortable and uncouth vignettes involving exposed genitals, bodily functions and public mischief.  

Part road movie part hidden camera concoction, this Jackass offshoot lacks the physicality of the brand but still manages to induce wincing via awkward situations.

While Knoxville’s improvisational skills are wholly lacking, his pintsized sidekick’s are finely honed.

The worst part of traveling with a senior, however, is they never have to stop driving to pee. Yellow Light

***Rescue Mission: Impossible***  

In Search of the Castaways

Having children on a rescue mission is smart because when they find the corpse their piercing shrieks will alert everyone.

Unfortunately, the rescue effort in this adventure also includes a useless senior.

Convinced that their shipwrecked father, Captain Grant (Jack Gwillim), is alive somewhere between South America and New Zealand, Robert (Keith Hamshere) and his sister Mary (Hayley Mills) recruit a Scottish lord (Wilfrid Hyde-White) to lead their expedition.

Along for the ride are an elderly professor (Maurice Chevalier) and the Lord’s son (Michael Anderson, Jr.).

Together, the quintet faces an array of adversaries, from giant condors to Mother Nature’s wrath, to a nefarious gunrunner (George Sanders).

While the harrowing adventure is elongated by a red herring wrong turn, when Captain Grant’s whereabouts is finally revealed this Disney adaptation of a Jules Verne tale really gets thrilling.

Mind you, once they find their father alive, there goes the insurance money.

He’s a Life Preservative. He’s the…

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He has Naturally High Standards. He’s the…

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Week of January 17, 2014

Oxygen gets you high, so just say NO. First up…

Riddick

The best thing about being marooned on a human-less planet is you can walk around without your space trousers on.

Mind you, with all of the freakish fauna in this sci-fi movie, you may want to keep them on.

When a failed assassination strands him on an inhabitable world infested with scorpion-type creatures, Riddick (Vin Diesel), the leader of the Necromongers, must activate a homing beacon that will bring mercenaries (Matthew Nable, Katee Sackhoff, Bokeem Woodbine, Dave Batista) there.

Hoping to escape in one of their ships before a storm arrives, Riddick jury-rigs booby-traps to ensnare his pursuers

The second sequel to Pitch Black, Riddick returns the anti-hero to familiar territory, accessible to newcomers.

However, the slapdash dialogue, the derivative space-monsters and the lackluster script will disappoint them just as much as longtime fans.

To eliminate the arachnids, Riddick should’ve done like European explorers and gave them smallpox infested blankets.  Red Light

The Butler

Before affirmative action, White House butlers weren’t hired because they were African American they were hired because they were black.

The domestic servant in this drama was employed under the latter.

Starting as a servant on a Georgia plantation, Cecil (Forest Whitaker) graduates to a Washington D.C. hotel and then the White House during the Eisenhower (Robin Williams) presidency.

On the home front, Cecil’s wife (Oprah Winfrey) raises two sons, Charlie (Elijah Kelley) and Louis (David Oyelowo).

However, Louis’ “sitting in” and marching for the Civil Rights Movement conflicts with his father’s kowtowing to a procession of President’s (James Marsden, Liev Schreiber, John Cusack, Alan Rickman).

An expansive account of black history from both the people’s and the president’s point of view, this inspired account of Eugene Allen’s life is rooted in great performances and poignancy.

And now that there’s a black president all White House servants are now Hispanic. Green Light

Fruitvale Station

A sure sign of equality in America is African Americans being able to sit on any urine stained bus seat they wish.

While transit vehicles have abolished Jim Crow, the transit cops in this drama haven’t.

Riding Oakland’s rapid transit system on New Year’s Day, Oscar Grant III (Michael B. Jordan) gets into a tussle with another passenger.

Transit police (Kevin Durand, Chad Michael Murray) are alerted but during the melee a handcuffed Oscar is shot. 

A former felon trying to turn his life around for his daughter, Oscar’s death leaves his girlfriend (Melonie Diaz) and mother (Octavia Spencer) mourning, and Bay Area residents outraged.

Based on real events, Fruitvale Station is an emotional piece with a plausible performance from its lead.

However, the random events from Oscar’s past that culminate on the train seem more fiction than fact.

Incidentally, I thought train bulls were only permitted to murder tramps? Yellow Light

Carrie

Getting your period is a magical time in a girl’s life because it means she can be excused from gym class once a month.

However, the menstruating student in this horror movie would prefer a permanent absence.  

Tormented by her peers (Portia Doubleday, Gabriella Wilde) after getting her first period, Carrie (Chloe Moretz) later discovers the crimson curse also unleashed her latent powers of telekinesis.

Despite her mother’s (Julianne Moore) misgivings, Carrie attends the prom with a boyfriend (Ansel Elgort) of one of her bullies.

When her mother’s warning turns out to be true, Carrie uses her twisted mind to massacre the student body.

Despite sanguinary scenes at the end and contemporary special effects, this adaptation of the Stephen King novel is sluggish and superfluous when compared to the 1976 version.

Thankfully, the only power women derive from menstruation is the ability to continue advancing their career unimpeded by children.  Red Light

***I Have a Nightmare***

Malcolm X

The only rights African Americans had in the 1960s was to witness their leaders being shot.

This biography focuses on one of those assassinated activists.

From his hoodlum days in Boston to his later incarceration and conversion to Islam, Malcolm X’s (Denzel Washington) life has always involved racial inequality.

Over time, Malcolm’s anti-white philosophy not only attracts the attention of disenfranchised blacks, but also the CIA and the ire of his own faith. 

Eventually, Malcolm’s hard-line approach softens but his willingness to work with other civil rights leaders for a common goal is cut-short. 

An epic portrayal of America’s most complex black leaders, director Spike Lee does a masterful job of capturing the social climate of the 60s, while Denzel dazzles in one of his most convincing roles to date.

And while the 60’s laid waste to most civil rights leaders, thankfully, we still have half of Al Sharpton left.

He’s Social Climate Change. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Double-edged Sword Swallower. He’s the… 

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Week of January 10, 2014

What doesn’t kill you soils your underwear. First up…

Runner Runner

Online gambling is superior to real world betting because when you cheat the digital pit boss only breaks your avatar’s legs.

Case in point, the fully functional bipedal gambler in this thriller.

Losing his college tuition to a corrupt online poker site, Richie (Justin Timberlake) heads to Costa Rica to address the site’s owner, Ivan (Ben Affleck), face to face.

As reparation for his loss, Ivan offers Richie the opportunity to work for him.

Overtime, Richie learns his big break is nothing but a long con that could cost him his girl (Gemma Arterton), his father (Richard Dreyfuss), and send him to prison - unless he turns FBI informant.

An obvious hustle from the get-go, Runner Runner does little to conceal its boilerplate Ponzi scheme plot. 

And even less to camouflage its standard “switcheroo” ending and talentless leading man.

Unfortunately, unlike real poker, wearing sunglasses doesn’t help your online game. Red Light

Closed Circuit

The upside to everyone video recording everyone else is that your heinous criminal act could end up going viral.

Mind you, it could also put you on trial like the accused terrorist in this thriller.

When a young extremist is charged with discharging a bomb in a public market, lawyers Martin (Eric Bana) and Claudia (Rebecca Hall) are brought in to defend him.

Instructed that they cannot contact each during the closed and open court proceedings, both attorneys opt to keep their former relationship a secret from the Attorney General (Jim Broadbent).

But that’s not the only secret being kept, as their client appears to be connected to Britain’s top spy agency: MI5.

With a competent cast and a promising plot, Closed Circuit gradually deteriorates under its predictable antagonist, its ho-hum suspense and dearth of sexual tension between leads.

Furthermore, every female lawyer has seen her male counterpart in  debriefs.  Red Light

***A Court(ing) of Law***

Legal Eagles

The reason no one dates personal injury lawyers is because they only want to promenade in front of businesses with icy sidewalks.

Luckily, the lawyer in this comedy/thriller is sleeping with a client, not a colleague.

Assistant D.A. Tom (Robert Redford) decides to help attorney Laura (Debra Winger) defend Chelsea (Daryl Hannah) against charges she stole a painting from an art dealer (Terence Stamp).

Adamant her father gave her the painting before his suspicious death - and destruction of his art collection - Chelsea not only convinces Tom but seduces him as well.

But when a dubious cop (Brian Dennehy) uncovers the entire collection intact, it threatens Tom’s career and his life.

Crackling with comedic repartee, a fiery May/December romance and an unpredicted adversary, Legal Eagles may be clichéd but it’s not without its charms.

Incidentally, if you’re going to sleep with anyone in the court system - make it a judge.

He’s a Basket Case Closed. He’s the…

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