Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s got a No Can Do Attitude. He’s the…

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Week of January 24, 2014

Trying is the prequel to failing. First up…

Captain Phillips

The best part of being a sea captain is getting to preside over all those same-sex marriages between crewmembers.

Unfortunately, there won’t be any ceremonies aboard the container ship in this thriller.

After navigating the Horn of Africa, a US cargo ship is attacked by a Somali pirate (Barkhad Abdi) and his posse.

Ordering his crew (David Warshofsky, Michael Chernus, Chris Mulkey, Corey Johnson) into hiding, Captain Richard Phillips (Tom Hanks) leads the thieves on a wild goose chase.

Eventually, the pirates set adrift in a lifeboat with Phillips as their hostage. But a no-nonsense Navy SEAL (Max Martini) is steadfast they’ll never reach the shore.

Based on true events, Captain Phillips is an edge-of-your-seat adaptation of the real captain’s harrowing account that delivers both credible performances and white-knuckle excitement.

Incidentally, to deal with Somali pirates just airdrop a dead Beluga on the ship’s bow and let Green Peace loose.  Green Light  

Machete Kills

The inspiration for the Piñata was likely the first Mexican drug mule beaten to death by US boarder patrol.

And while we’ll never know the truth, cartels are still rampant as this action movie denotes.

To gain American citizenship, Machete (Danny Trejo) must kill a schizophrenic drug lord (Demián Bichir) with access to nuclear missiles.

As he hacks through cronies, Machete learns his target is only a pawn. The real puppet-master is a fan-boy businessman (Mel Gibson) with plans to nuke Earth after fleeing to his space station. 

The first sequel to the movie based on the fake trailer from Grindhouse, Machete Kills has overstayed its one-off welcome.

With pointless Star Wars references, endless/useless cameos and a puerile script littered with intentionally bad humour, this mess never stops winking at the audience.

As for Mexicans in space, racist astronauts would delegate them to pruning the shrubs in the space terrarium.  Red Light

 

Blue Jasmine

The saddest part of going from riches to rags is cutting your expensive clothes up and rolling in dirt until you look destitute.

Not so for the urbane ex-socialite in this dramedy however.

When Jasmine’s (Cate Blanchett) businessman husband (Alec Baldwin) is busted for stealing from his clients - including Jasmine’s sister Ginger (Sally Hawkins) and her now ex-husband (Andrew Dice Clay) - she has no choice but to move in with Ginger and her sons.

Unable to adjust to blue-collar living, or Ginger’s boyfriend (Bobby Cannavale), Jasmine wrangles a rich widower (Peter Sarsgaard) with a cavalcade of untruths, like her estranged son’s existence or her husband’s true fate.

The latest offering from Woody Allen, Blue Jasmine is a well-paced class struggle mystery of sorts that elegantly unravels itself as the lead’s graceful facade turns frantic.

Incidentally, an excellent career option for the nouveau poor is becoming their butler’s butler.  Green Light

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

The key to raising a well-behaved grandparent is crate training.

Unfortunately, the elderly gentleman in this comedy is permitted to roam around on his own - for the time being.

Ecstatic over his wife’s passing, Irving’s (Johnny Knoxville) celebration is short lived when his jailbird daughter drops his grandson Billy (Jackson Nicoll) off.

Unwilling to wean the 8-year, Irving makes a deal with Billy’s deadbeat dad to deliver him to North Carolina.

Along the way, the two are embroiled in an array of uncomfortable and uncouth vignettes involving exposed genitals, bodily functions and public mischief.  

Part road movie part hidden camera concoction, this Jackass offshoot lacks the physicality of the brand but still manages to induce wincing via awkward situations.

While Knoxville’s improvisational skills are wholly lacking, his pintsized sidekick’s are finely honed.

The worst part of traveling with a senior, however, is they never have to stop driving to pee. Yellow Light

***Rescue Mission: Impossible***  

In Search of the Castaways

Having children on a rescue mission is smart because when they find the corpse their piercing shrieks will alert everyone.

Unfortunately, the rescue effort in this adventure also includes a useless senior.

Convinced that their shipwrecked father, Captain Grant (Jack Gwillim), is alive somewhere between South America and New Zealand, Robert (Keith Hamshere) and his sister Mary (Hayley Mills) recruit a Scottish lord (Wilfrid Hyde-White) to lead their expedition.

Along for the ride are an elderly professor (Maurice Chevalier) and the Lord’s son (Michael Anderson, Jr.).

Together, the quintet faces an array of adversaries, from giant condors to Mother Nature’s wrath, to a nefarious gunrunner (George Sanders).

While the harrowing adventure is elongated by a red herring wrong turn, when Captain Grant’s whereabouts is finally revealed this Disney adaptation of a Jules Verne tale really gets thrilling.

Mind you, once they find their father alive, there goes the insurance money.

He’s a Life Preservative. He’s the…

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