He’s Syncing to New Lows. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of January 3, 2013
Machines can never replace the unemployed. First up…
Insidious: Chapter 2
When buying a haunted house
it’s imperative you hire a string quartet to follow you around playing ominous
music.
Unfortunately, the household
in this horror movie can only afford the violist.
Suspects in the disappearance
of a famed ghost-hunter (Lin Shaye) that brought their son back from beyond,
Josh (Patrick Wilson) and Renai (Rose Byrne) move their son in with Josh’s
mother (Barbara Hershey).
However, Renai's sightings of a
“woman in white”, as well as her husband’s bizarre behaviour, leads her to
contact a ghost whisperer who divulges Josh is possessed by a transvestite
poltergeist.
Lacking the demonic dimension
of the first Insidious, Chapter 2 instead goes the possession route with little
to no payoff.
The scares are foreseeable,
the acting’s negligible and the plot doesn’t concentrate on the few interesting
angles it has.
What’s more, every guy has
used the “possessed by a cross-dressing ghost” excuse when they’re caught. Red Light
Don Jon
To never get caught browsing
porn on the Internet again, simply condition your body to become aroused by
auto-part websites.
However, the addict in this
drama prefers websites with fake headlights.
Despite getting plenty of
female attention, Don Jon (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) continually revisits the
effortless orifice of Internet pornography.
Even after landing the
perfect ten (Scarlett Johansson), he still satisfies himself via visual
stimuli.
It’s not until Jon meets the
bereft, and more mature, Esther (Julianne Moore) that he learns to loose himself
in the sexual experience.
An astute commentary on
modern male masturbator habits, this directorial debut from the film’s writer,
Joseph Gordon-Levitt, shows great potential.
The dialogue is sharp yet
sincere, the characters are developed and relatable, and its message is a
meaningful one for today’s stunted man.
Incidentally, when they put
something other than porn on the Internet, men will stop looking at porn on the
Internet. Green Light
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
The upside to learning you’re
half Greek God is that you can finally marry that bull without it being
considered all weird.
Mind you, it’s not a bovine
the demigods in this action movie are seeking - it’s a ram’s fleece.
When the force field
protecting Camp Half-Blood from mythological monsters is poisoned, camp
director Dionysus (Stanley Tucci) dispatches the half-blood daughter of Aries
(Leven Rambin) to go to the Sea of Monsters and claim the healing fleece for
the camp.
Meanwhile, Percy (Logan
Lerman), Annabeth (Alexandra Daddario) and Percy’s Cyclops half-brother
(Douglas Smith) set out to stop Hermes’s son (Jake Abel) from resurrecting
Kronos.
While the script’s littered
with “fake deaths”, this second installment in the Teen Lit series has some
nice subversive notes, along with a clever nod to the Fates, making it
sufficient teen entertainment.
However, the downside to
being a teenage demigod is the Titan-sized zits. Yellow Light
***The Golden Polar
Fleece***
Jason and the Argonauts
The problem with sailing in
mythological times is the Greek Gods liked to spit on boats from Mount Olympus.
Auspiciously, the sailors in
this action movie have Hera’s help in avoiding those loogies.
The last living heir to the
throne of Thessaly, Jason (Todd Armstrong) vows to seek out the famed Golden
Fleece of legend.
With the backing of Zeus
(Niall MacGinnis) and Hera (Honor Blackman), Jason holds Olympic trials to
choose his crew.
On his quest for the fleece,
Jason and his Argonauts encounter strange entities like a living statue,
vicious harpies and a skeletal army made from the tooth of a Hydra.
One of the best sword and
sandal movies ever, this 1963 adaptation of the rousing nautical saga is made
so much more marvelous by Ray Harryhausen’s creature designs.
Incidentally, if the fleece
were real, Greece could have used its regenerative powers on the Euro long ago.
He’s a Demigod Father. He’s the…
Vidiot
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