Thursday, January 29, 2015

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White Flag Burner. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of January 30, 2015

Surrender only after playing dead fails. First up…



Fury 

With their long cannon shafts, tanks are widely considered the penises of the battlefield.

That’s why the armoured vehicle in this action movie is crammed full of testosterone.

In the heart of occupied Germany, Sgt. Collier (Brad Pitt) and his armored tank division (Shia LaBeouf, Jason Isaacs, Michael Peña, Jon Bernthal) receive a green replacement, Norman (Logan Lerman), for their deceased gunner.

Inexperienced in both war and women, Norman’s new roommates give him a crash course as they push further inland.

But when a landmine downs their Sherman, the stubborn Sergeant refuses to abandon the tank, even with three hundred Nazis marching directly towards them.

A candid and unapologetic portrayal of life inside of a metal beast, Fury’s manly cast and machine-gun machismo works alongside its cruelty and pathos to deliver a flawed but unforgettable experience.

Incidentally, it’s rare to see this many dudes living together without a Foosball table.  Green Light

***Tanks for the Memories***



The Beast

The bad thing about owning a tank is all your friends want to borrow it when they invade a country.

However, the invading vehicle in this action movie is on loan from the Soviets.

During their invasion of Afghanistan, a Soviet tank - lead by Commander Daskal (George Dzundza) - loses its bearings following a raid on an Islamic radical village.

When pacifist Taj (Steven Bauer) finds his father murdered by the communists, he’s forced by the village to retaliate.

In pursuit, he encounters a tank crewman (Jason Patric) jettison by his crewmates (Stephen Baldwin, Don Harvey) for mutiny.

In exchange for sanctuary, the crewman must repair Taj’s anti-tank gun.

Despite little attempt at masking their American accents, the manly cast of this underrated and action-packed adaptation of the stage play manages to convey the message of mercy during wartime.

Incidentally, isn’t the national symbol of Russia an invading tank?

He’s Anti-Tank Gun-shy. He’s the…

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Thursday, January 22, 2015

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Homicidal Brainiac. He’s the... 

Vidiot 

Week of January 23, 2015

Mathletes bring 110% of their brain. First up…


Lucy 

If humans used more than 10% of their brain network sitcoms would be endangered.

In fact, the brainiac in this action movie doesn’t watch TV at all.

Coerced by her boyfriend to deliver a briefcase to a kingpin (Choi Min-sik), Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) becomes an unwilling participant in the Taiwanese drug-trade.

Forced to mule a drug capable of boosting brain function back to the States, a scuffle damages the product, entering Lucy’s bloodstream.

In lieu of overdosing, she gains access to the other 90% of her brain, resulting in extraordinary mental and physical abilities.

She now hopes to unravel the mysterious of life, and get revenge.

While the concepts and car chases presented by writer/director Luc Besson are provocative, his attempt at a cerebral actioner is asinine and unbelievable at times.

Besides, even if a woman could use 100% of her brain around a cute guy she’d still only use 7%.  Yellow Light



Annabelle 

The real reason why demons like to take possession of toy dolls is because they secretly want to wet themselves.

Mind you, the one in this horror movie also wants the soul of a newborn.

Shortly after receiving an antique doll from her husband (Ward Horton), expectant mother Mia (Annabelle Wallis) begins experiencing strange phenomena around the nursery.

The events increase with the birth of their daughter, so much so, that the entity inside the toy tries to convince Mia to sacrifice her firstborn’s soul to it.

There to help Mia is a contrite clairvoyant (Alfre Woodard).

The prequel to The Conjuring, Annabelle is based on the real-life devil doll exercised by famed ghost hunters The Warrens. However, that’s where the similarities end.

A blatant metaphor for postpartum depression, Annabelle’s anchor-less script never finds its focus, or its frights.

Incidentally, demons would have more luck possessing the souls of orphans.  Red Light



The Boxtrolls 

Only infants and the homeless can find value in discarded cardboard boxes.

However, according to this animated movie trolls also appreciate consumer packaging.

Cheesebridge is being terrorized by a subterranean species dubbed The Boxtrolls by the terrified residents on account they wear old boxes for clothes.

Rumoured to consume babies, the Lord of Cheesebridge (Jared Harris) employs a psychotic exterminator (Ben Kingsley) and his crew (Nick Frost, Richard Ayoade, Tracy Morgan) to eradicate the Boxtrolls.

Unbeknownst to everyone in the town, except the Lord’s daughter (Elle Fanning), a human boy (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is living amongst the Boxtrolls and fighting to save them from extinction.

Dark, disgusting and slightly demented, this mature stop-motion adaptation of the children’s book doesn’t shy away from the gross, morbid things that kids revel in. While its’ eye-catching animation is a visual delight.

By the way, hungry trolls may just be the solution to homelessness.  Green Light

***Foreplaying with Dolls***


Seed of Chucky

For a pair of toy dolls, the hardest part of having sex is being able to copulate before both pull-strings retract.

Miraculously, the pull-strings on the plush pair in this horror movie lasted long enough to inseminate.

When Glen (Billy Boyd), the sedate son of psycho dolls Chucky (Brad Dourif) and Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly), revives his parents from a supernatural slumber he unleashes their bloodlust on Hollywood.

Glen’s disappointment in his murderous parents’ behaviour, however, causes them to promise their pacifist progeny that they won’t kill again.

But that promise won’t stop them from possessing the bodies of actress Jennifer Tilly and director Redman. 

Meanwhile, Glen struggles with his sexuality.

The fourth sequel to the original, this installment may be one of the weirdest yet.

More laugh-fest than fright-fest, Seed of Chucky’s meta mentality is confusing and devoid of authentic jolts.

As for infertile toy doll couples...there’s always Build-a-Bear.
He’s a Sex Toy-Maker. He’s the… 

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Thursday, January 15, 2015

Be Kind, Please Rewind



He’s a Hostage Situationist. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of January 16, 2015

Can ransom money be taxed? First up…


Gone Girl 

If your wife ever goes missing be sure to put her photo on the sides of skim milk cartons only.

Unfortunately, the husband in this drama is too detached to care.

When beloved children’s book inspiration Amazing Amy (Rosamund Pike) disappears on her 5th wedding anniversary, her husband Nick (Ben Affleck) becomes the prime suspect.

Condemned on cable news networks as a wife-killer, Nick’s aloofness, and his secret affair, draws further aspersions of guilt. 

However, the true fate of Amy is more shocking than her initial vanishing, and subsequent return.

While Affleck does an outstanding job as the deadbeat spouse, it’s Pike’s restrained performance as Amy that really brings this alarming adaptation of the best-selling book to life.

Shrewdly directed by David Fincher, Gone Girl is a complex and cunning commentary on marriage, murder and media sensationalism.

Incidentally, doing interviews in your missing wife’s clothing doesn’t gain you public favor.  Green Light


Men, Women & Children

In the olden days, if you talked on the phone during dinner your parents could strangle you with the phone cord.

Lamentably, as this drama details, parents now need to download a strangling App.

A father (Dean Norris) tries to connect with his son (Ansel Elgort), who is cyber-stalking his estranged mother online.

A stage mother (Judy Greer) takes lurid photos of her daughter (Olivia Crocicchia) to post online.

An overprotective mom (Jennifer Garner) scrutinizes her daughter’s online activities ad nauseam.

A married couple (Adam Sandler, Rosemarie DeWitt) finds gratification online, while their son can’t find gratification in reality.

A timely hodge-podge of cautionary tales concerning the Internet, eating disorders, child pornography and suicide, MW&C comes off as scattershot.

And while the message of re-connecting is well established, the delivery is preachy and pessimistic.

Besides, the best way to watch you kid online is to befriend them as a stranger.  Red Light


A Walk Among the Tombstones

Strolling among high-priced gravestones is a good time to consider cremation.

Mind you, the protagonist in this action movie is more apt to put people into graves.

Years after quitting the police force and the bottle, unlicensed investigator Matthew Scudder (Liam Neeson) agrees to help a drug-dealer get back his wife from kidnappers.

While his attempt is fruitless, Scudder does learn the kidnappers’ identities and sets out to end their trail of female victims.

Along the way, he picks up a young protégé (Brian Bradley) with an affinity for detective novels.

Reprising his tough guy persona once again, Neeson manages to bring some compassion to this role through his interactions with the kid.

A seedy mystery with random paroxysms of gunplay, this adaptation of the best-selling book series featuring Scudder is a worthy representation of the hard-boiled detective.

Incidentally, what makes a really successful private eye is first-rate voice narration.  Yellow Light

***Gone Girlfriend***


The Vanishing

The real reason wives are rarely kidnapped is because most husbands won’t pay for their return.

That is why the captor in this thriller stole someone’s girlfriend.

While on a road trip, Jeff’s (Kiefer Sutherland) girlfriend Diane (Sandra Bullock) vanishes from a truck stop where they are filling up.

Years later, Barney (Jeff Bridges) introduces himself to Jeff as the man who snatched Diane.

But in order to finally learn the truth of Diane’s disappearance, Jeff must endure the same torment as her.

Unfortunately, that experience includes Jeff having to be drugged, bound, and buried alive. 

The American remake of the European original based on the best selling Dutch novel, this 1993 version of the account is as suspenseful and nerve-wracking as its inspiration.

With Bridges turn as the sleazy subjugator being one of the film’s many highlights.

However, sometimes when your girlfriend disappears, it just means you’ve been dumped.

He’s Abduct Tape. He's the...

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Friday, January 9, 2015

Be Kind, Please Rewind


He's a New Year's Baby Maker. He's the...

Vidiot 

Week of January 9, 2015

New Year’s resolutions are for quitters. First up…


The Equalizer 

If you’re going to call yourself an Equalizer you had better have some remarkably accurate measuring cups.

Mind you, it’s not a recipe the stranger in this action movie is trying to balance, but the scales of justice.

After witnessing a pimp abuse his friend (Chloë Grace Moretz), former CIA operative Bob McCall (Denzel Washington) murders the pimp and five others.

His actions alert the Russian mob boss (Vladimir Kulich) running the prostitution and racketeering rings in the neighbourhood. In turn, he sends in ex-Spetsnaz (Marton Csokas) to kill McCall.

But in order to do that, the specialist must survive McCall’s carefully orchestrated counterstrikes against him.

Based on the ‘80s TV show, this take on the revenge-for-hire premise lacks character development and depth, but it makes up for both in stylish violence and restrained bravado.

Plus, with the Russians out of the way the Asian gangs can now move in.  Green Light


Get On Up 

The best thing about a movie based on your life is that you get to see how you die.

Regrettably, the person in this biography is already dead.

Raised in a troubled home, James Brown (Chadwick Boseman) found a way out through music.

From impersonating Little Richard to singing lead for The Famous Flames to eventually helming his own group, James establishes himself not only as a vocal powerhouse but also an influential voice in the Black community.

Behind closed doors, however, he’s a controlling wife-beater prone to erratic mood swings.

But his abuse of his wife and his band-mates never stops him from producing hits.

Backed by Boseman’s breakthrough performance, James’ prolific catalogue and a spirited script, Get On Up does an exemplary job of capturing the turbulent genius of James Brown.

Besides, how can you stay mad at a man who does the splits after he backhands you?  Green Light


No Good Deed

If your Black neighbour ever asks to borrow some sugar don’t assume they mean brown sugar.

Fortunately, spice profiling isn’t an issue in this thriller.

Despite her husband’s (Henry Simmons) absence, when Colin (Idris Elba) appears on her doorstep claiming he was in an accident, Terri (Taraji P. Henson) allows him in to wait for a tow-truck.

Eventually, her friend Meg (Leslie Bibb) drops by for a visit. But when she disappears, Terri begins to suspect Colin may have done something.

Her suspicious is verified when Colin takes her and her kids on a trip to meet his cheating fiancée (Kate del Castillo).

Simplistic to the point of stupidity, with painful dialogue and a subdued end fight, No Good Deed is a poor retread of better domestic revenge movies.

Besides, the only man a married woman should allow into her home is the one she hired to kill her husband.  Red Light


Boyhood

The key to surviving boyhood is good medical coverage.

However, this drama goes beyond the obligatory broken arm.

2002 - Mason Evans, Jr. (Ellar Coltrane) is 6-years-old when his mother Olivia (Patricia Arquette) leaves her then-boyfriend and moves him and his older sister Samantha (Lorelei Linklater) to Houston, in order to attend University.

2005 - Olivia marries her professor but his drinking ends the marriage.

2008 - Mason takes an interest in girls, while his mom marries one of her students - an alcoholic Vet. 

2013 - Mason must break-up with his girlfriend before heading to University.

Periodically, Mason’s unemployed - but amusing - dad (Ethan Hawke) shows up to take them bowling and offers an unbiased ear. 

Meticulously filmed over a 12-year period, director/writer Richard Linklater masterfully weaves an elaborate yet intimate and honest portrait of growing up.

Incidentally, boyhood typically ends when you’re kicked out of choir.  Green Light

***Reboot in Your Ass***


Shaft (2000) 

The hardest part about being a black cop is not getting shot by white cops when you pull your gun.

The honkies in this action movie, however, know better than to mess with Shaft.

When rich white boy Wade Jr. (Christian Bale) is accused of killing a black man (Mekhi Phifer), no nonsense detective John Shaft is assigned to the racially charged case. 

But the accused is allowed to flee the country when the only witness (Toni Collette) goes missing.

Unrelenting, Shaft spends the next two years searching for her.
When he finds her, Wade Jr. serendipitously returns Stateside with a sadistic drug lord (Jeffrey Wright) on his payroll.

John Singleton’s much-maligned reboot of Shaft isn’t as blasphemes as perceived, with Sam Jackson serving as a worthy successor to Richard Roundtree.

Besides, young African Americans need to be exposed to influential Black icons before the CIA assassinates them all.

He’s a Sex Machine Repair Man. He’s the…



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