He’s a Homicidal Brainiac. He’s the...
Vidiot
Week of January 23, 2015
Mathletes bring 110% of their brain. First up…
Lucy
If humans used more than 10% of their brain network sitcoms would be endangered.
In fact, the brainiac in this action movie doesn’t watch TV at all.
Coerced by her boyfriend to deliver a briefcase to a kingpin (Choi Min-sik), Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) becomes an unwilling participant in the Taiwanese drug-trade.
Forced to mule a drug capable of boosting brain function back to the States, a scuffle damages the product, entering Lucy’s bloodstream.
In lieu of overdosing, she gains access to the other 90% of her brain, resulting in extraordinary mental and physical abilities.
She now hopes to unravel the mysterious of life, and get revenge.
While the concepts and car chases presented by writer/director Luc Besson are provocative, his attempt at a cerebral actioner is asinine and unbelievable at times.
Besides, even if a woman could use 100% of her brain around a cute guy she’d still only use 7%. Yellow Light
Annabelle
The real reason why demons like to take possession of toy dolls is because they secretly want to wet themselves.
Mind you, the one in this horror movie also wants the soul of a newborn.
Shortly after receiving an antique doll from her husband (Ward Horton), expectant mother Mia (Annabelle Wallis) begins experiencing strange phenomena around the nursery.
The events increase with the birth of their daughter, so much so, that the entity inside the toy tries to convince Mia to sacrifice her firstborn’s soul to it.
There to help Mia is a contrite clairvoyant (Alfre Woodard).
The prequel to The Conjuring, Annabelle is based on the real-life devil doll exercised by famed ghost hunters The Warrens. However, that’s where the similarities end.
A blatant metaphor for postpartum depression, Annabelle’s anchor-less script never finds its focus, or its frights.
Incidentally, demons would have more luck possessing the souls of orphans. Red Light
The Boxtrolls
Only infants and the homeless can find value in discarded cardboard boxes.
However, according to this animated movie trolls also appreciate consumer packaging.
Cheesebridge is being terrorized by a subterranean species dubbed The Boxtrolls by the terrified residents on account they wear old boxes for clothes.
Rumoured to consume babies, the Lord of Cheesebridge (Jared Harris) employs a psychotic exterminator (Ben Kingsley) and his crew (Nick Frost, Richard Ayoade, Tracy Morgan) to eradicate the Boxtrolls.
Unbeknownst to everyone in the town, except the Lord’s daughter (Elle Fanning), a human boy (Isaac Hempstead-Wright) is living amongst the Boxtrolls and fighting to save them from extinction.
Dark, disgusting and slightly demented, this mature stop-motion adaptation of the children’s book doesn’t shy away from the gross, morbid things that kids revel in. While its’ eye-catching animation is a visual delight.
By the way, hungry trolls may just be the solution to homelessness. Green Light
***Foreplaying with Dolls***
Seed of Chucky
For a pair of toy dolls, the hardest part of having sex is being able to copulate before both pull-strings retract.
Miraculously, the pull-strings on the plush pair in this horror movie lasted long enough to inseminate.
When Glen (Billy Boyd), the sedate son of psycho dolls Chucky (Brad Dourif) and Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly), revives his parents from a supernatural slumber he unleashes their bloodlust on Hollywood.
Glen’s disappointment in his murderous parents’ behaviour, however, causes them to promise their pacifist progeny that they won’t kill again.
But that promise won’t stop them from possessing the bodies of actress Jennifer Tilly and director Redman.
Meanwhile, Glen struggles with his sexuality.
The fourth sequel to the original, this installment may be one of the weirdest yet.
More laugh-fest than fright-fest, Seed of Chucky’s meta mentality is confusing and devoid of authentic jolts.
As for infertile toy doll couples...there’s always Build-a-Bear.
He’s a Sex Toy-Maker. He’s the…
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