The Vidiot Reviews
The Worst of 2012
Comedy
That’s My Boy
The reason father/son relationships are so awkward is because at one point they both sucked on the same tit.
Unfortunately, the son in this comedy never had the chance to suckle at his incarcerated mother’s bosom.
Born of a 9th grade teacher and her student, Donny (Adam Sandler), Han Solo (Andy Samberg) grows up in the shadow of his father’s fame and mother’s infamy.
Now known as Todd, Han hides his history from his fiancée (Leighton Meester).
That is, until Donny comes looking for a TV reunion between Han and his jailbird ma (Susan Sarandon).
While Todd’s disgusted with Donny’s demeanor, Donny is disturbed by Todd’s inability to party.
Overcompensating for years of PG performances, Sandler tackles tasteless taboos, like pedophilia and incest, with smugness and a grating vocal choice.
Luckily, having your dad back in your life means he can finally teach you how to shave a flat tire.
Horror
The Apparition
A great way to profit off of that uneven circular table that you have lying around is to hold bogus Séances for mourning dowagers.
Unfortunately, the spiritual communiqué in this horror movie is purely scientific.
When a group of co-eds, Ben (Sebastian Stan), Patrick (Tom Felton), Lydia (Julianna Guill) and Greg (Luke Pasqualino), conduct a psychic séance similar to one held 40-years earlier, they open a portal for a spiteful spirit.
Later, Ben and his girlfriend, Kelly (Ashley Greene), begin to experience strange occurrences in their new home.
Overtime, Kelly learns of the séance, and of the entity they released, now she and Ben must escape its ubiquitous grasp.
Suffering from a deficiency of tension, twists and character development, The Apparition fails to materialize as a horror of any merit.
Besides, the only thing that will haunt you after a private séance is the psychic’s fee on your credit card.
Sci-Fi
John Carter
The worst part of space travel is that your helmet and oxygen tank count as a carry-on.
Fortunately, the star traveler in this sci-fi movie doesn’t have to fly a commercial shuttle to get to his astral destination.
Accidentally transported to the planet Barsoom, or as he knows it: Mars, Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds himself embroiled in another civil war amongst Mars’ Red and Green inhabitants.
However, the warring cities hope for an accord through marriage is dashed when the princess (Lynn Collins) of Helium flees.
Back on Earth, Carter’s nephew Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) studies his uncle’s personal notes in an attempt to unravel the mystery of his uncle’s apparent death.
Based on Burroughs’ first book in the Barsoom series, John Carter does contain stunning effects. However, its cornball acting is indefensible.
Besides, interplanetary travel in the 1800s was only obtainable through opium inhalation.
Action
Battleship
During wartime, the Navy positions its self far away from the front lines. When they do participant, it’s only to lob phallic looking missiles at the enemy from the safety of the ocean.
Surprisingly, the seamen and women in this sci-fi movie actually go toe-to-toe with their alien adversaries.
When NASA transmits a signal to an Earth-like planet, it receives an answer in the form alien spacecraft that crash-land off the coast of Hawaii.
While their ships are disabled, the visitors are actively trying to establish communication with their home planet.
Preventing them from accomplishing that is a hotshot lieutenant (Taylor Kitsch), his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård), and a motley crew (Rihanna, Jesse Plemons) of green recruits.
Based on the board game, Battleship is boilerplate invasion material: the dialogue is corny, the aliens uninspired and the heroes American.
Besides, the board game most akin to an extraterrestrial encounter is Operation.
Romance
Hope Springs
The best thing about sex after the age of 60 is not having those sharp teeth to cut each with.
Unfortunately, the sexless couple in this romantic-comedy is too young for dentures.
Relegated to a chaste marriage with her stubborn husband Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones), the inexperienced Kay (Meryl Streep) decides to spice up their love life by enrolling them in marriage counseling.
Forced to spend a week with a therapist (Steve Carell) talking about his sexual history, Arnold becomes standoffish.
Assigned sex tasks, Kay and he must feign intimacy to rekindle their flame. But Arnold’s unease with contact and Kay’s innocence around oral makes for strange fellows.
Basically, a well-acted self-help video for seniors that are unfamiliar with modern lasciviousness, Hope Springs’ fourth an uncomfortable comedy with many sad truths about getting old.
Incidentally, one way to spice things up after 60 is to take a walk-in bath together.
Animation
The Lorax
Thankfully, my lorax was removed when I was a child so there’s no chance of my neck exploding.
Oops! This isn’t a movie about that volatile organ in the human throat but an animated feature regarding a numinous creature.
Set in a self-contained community littered with artificial foliage, a young denizen (Zac Efron) sets out to find a real tree to impress a girl (Taylor Swift) he has a crush on.
On the counsel of his grandmother (Betty White) he seeks out a hermit (Ed Helms) beyond Thneed-Ville’s fortified walls.
According to legend, this solitudinarian knows the truth about the trees, and their magical protector: The Lorax (Danny DeVito).
Based on the book by Dr. Seuss, The Lorax lacks its author’s eccentric exuberance. Instead, it festers with corporate-hating eco-doctrine set to a puerile soundtrack.
Incidentally, as far as the absent tree situation goes, the town’s beaver infestation could be responsible.
Thriller
Gone
After escaping from a serial killer, the first thing you should do is consult with your local gunsmith.
Unfortunately, the survivor in this thriller went to her local police instead.
Freed from captivity in the woods, where her kidnapper had kept her, Jill (Amanda Seyfried) contacts the authorities.
But when the cops don’t locate the hole where she was allegedly confined, and learn of Jill’s previous mental issues, they surmise that she made everything up.
A year later, Jill’s sister disappears. Assuming the serial killer has returned, she contacts police, who dismiss her yet again.
Fed up, Jill pursues the clues herself and lands some leads. But when police learn that she’s armed, Jill becomes the criminal.
Imbued with absolute implausibility, third-rate acting and a shoddy script, Gone’s intensity is constantly undermined.
Besides, when you’re stranded down a hole in the woods, an incontinent hiker is bound to find you.
Drama
LOL
The best part of texting while walking is the protective bubble it creates around you, staving off danger.
LOL! This dramedy isn’t about distracted pedestrians surviving collisions with LRT, but the tribulations of the e-generation.
Lola (Miley Cyrus) is a contemporary teenager. She communicates via characters and has a super cute BF (George Finn).
But when he cheats on her, she hooks up with his friend (Douglas Booth), who is lusted after by Lola’s nemesis (Ashley Greene).
Meanwhile, Lola’s single-mother (Demi Moore) finds her diary and decides to cancel her class trip to Paris. All the while juggling her ex (Thomas Jane) and her younger crush (Jay Hernandez).
Though it attempts to be a comedic commentary on today’s parent/child relationships, this American version of a French film is merely a vapid snapshot of this electronic epoch.
On the bright side, Miley Cyrus texting is less annoying than Miley Cyrus talking.
He's a Champaign in the Ass. He's the...
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