Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s in Inhuman Resources. He’s the…

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Week of September 30, 2011

Electronic device is just a euphemism for machine. First up…

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

For humans, "dark of the moon" refers to the anus area of the person mooning.

For the transmogrifying space-creatures in this sci-fi movie, however, it means the enslavement of humanity.

When Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) learns that a ship from his home world is marooned on the moon, he helms a mission to retrieve its sole occupant, his mentor: Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy).

Unfortunately, Megatron (Hugo Weaving) and the Decepticons arrived at the wreckage years earlier and claimed the cargo – pillars to connect a spacebridge between Earth and Cybertron.

Hoping to prevent its assembly is Optimus’ human friend Sam (Shia LaBeouf) and his new squeeze (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley).

While it’s the best of the trilogy, Dark of the Moon is still a 3-hour muddle of mechanical components clanging out a cacophonous din of dumbness.

Besides, there are more important things that could’ve been recovered from the moon, like Buzz Aldrin’s wallet.  0

***The Space Waste***

The Iron Giant   

When metal falls out of the sky, it usually means a decommissioned satellite has reentered our atmosphere.

However, NASA had nothing to do with the falling space scrap in this animated-feature.

Sneaking out one night, Hogarth (Eli Marienthal) comes across a mile high automaton (Vin Diesel) that has crash-landed near his home.

Fast friends from the get-go, Hogarth invites the affable android to live in his barn, unbeknownst to his mother (Jennifer Aniston).

Later, when a government agent (Christopher McDonald) starts sniffing around, Hogarth hides his machine with an artist (Harry Connick, Jr.).

When the army shows up, however, the destructive nature of the mechanical mammoth is finally revealed, and put to the test.

An ode to 1950s sci-fi, The Iron Giant is a sturdy structure of stimulating story telling, vivid voice work and astonishing animation.

Unfortunately, thanks to oxidization, after the first rainfall, Iron Giant’s going to look more like rusted out muffler.

He's a Human-annoyed. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Mocking Down the Aisle. He’s the…

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Week of September 23, 2011

Marriage kills 2 lovebirds with 1 expensive stone. First up…

Bridesmaids

Being a bride can be stressful, but just how chaotic can it be that you need multiple maids to clean up after you?

And while the bride-to-be in this comedy seems tidy, her maid of honor could use some domestic help.

When her childhood friend Lillian (Maya Rudolph) gets engaged, scatterbrained Annie (Kristen Wiig) is chosen to be maid of honor.

When the events that she has planned go terribly awry, however, a more influential bridesmaid (Rose Byrne) steps up and commandeers the party planning duties, along with some of Annie’s ideas.

Feeling neglected and upstaged, Annie begins to act out in idiotic ways that cause a rift in her friendship with Lillian.

With a comedic cast, relatable relationship references and sustainable unisex jokes throughout, Bridesmaids is a true creditable comedy.

As for those people who don’t think that women can be funny, obviously they’ve never seen a female ventriloquist.  0

***The Best Mandate*** 

The Groomsmen

Groomsmen seem like a ridiculous wedding custom, but if your bride ever fails to show, there’s a good chance you can convince one of them to take your bromance to that next level.

Unfortunately for the groom in this comedy, his groomsmen might be absent as well.

With a week to go before his wedding to Sue (Brittany Murphy), Paulie (Edward Burns) is advised by his brother/best man, Jimbo (Donal Logue), not to go through with it.

Meanwhile, his groomsmen Mike (Jay Mohr) and T.C. (John Leguizamo) attempt to resolve an old dispute over a missing baseball card. Dez (Matthew Lillard), on the other hand, wallows in the group’s glory days.

More a dramatic dissertation on the difficulties of adulthood than a laugh-out-loud comedy, nonetheless, The Groomsmen is an honest portrayal of friendship.

By the way, it's not a romantic gesture to have your fiancée’s ex-boyfriends as your groomsmen.

He’s in an Altar State. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Over Eats His Words. He’s the…

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Week of September 16, 2011

That’s it! I’m going on a diatribe. First up…

Thor

For many parts of the population, a blond-haired, hammer-wielding, Aryan hero is more akin to a villain.

Fortunately, Leni Riefenstahl didn’t direct this action movie based on the Norse God of Thunder.

After Frost Giants break into Asgard to reclaim a stolen relic, Thor (Chris Hemworth), son of Odin (Anthony Hopkins), and his warrior friends (Tadanobu Asano, Jaimie Alexander, Joshua Dallas, Ray Stevenson) retaliate.

Unfortunately, their actions break a long-standing truce. In turn, Thor’s stripped of his mighty hammer and banished to Earth.

Exiled, he develops feelings for an astrophysicist (Natalie Portman).

Meanwhile, Thor’s brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) ascends to the throne.

Based on the Marvel Comics character, Thor brilliantly bridges the gap between hubris and humanity with universal themes of brotherly betrayal in order to be applicable.

Besides, with that hammer, Thor should just do what all long-haired, earthbound, sons of a god do here, and take up carpentry.  0  

X-Men: First Class

For all their complaining about equal rights, why don’t the X-Men ride back in coach with the rest of us?

And while this action movie isn’t about the economic divide on airplanes, it is about the segregation of the genetically gifted.

In 1962, the Hellfire Club (Kevin Bacon, January Jones, Jason Flemyng) puts in place a plan to expedite the Cuban Missile Crisis.

To thwart their scheme, the CIA hires mutant telepath Xavier (James McAvoy) to locate them.

But to defeat them, he and his metal-manipulating mate (Michael Fassbender) must first assemble their own team (Jennifer Lawrence, Caleb Landry Jones, Lucas Till).

While its modish modification of the Marvel Comics mutants is superior to previous installments, the friendship between the passive professor and the megalomaniac Magneto is ultimately ignored, as is comic book and film franchise continuity.

As for the worst mutant power: the ability to look like a mutant.  0

13 Assassins

The problem with thirteen assassins sent to kill one person is that, by the time it’s your turn to strike, the target’s been dead for 20 minutes.

Fortunately, the objective in this action movie has enough armed-guards to keep all of the killers content.

In Edo, the son of a former Shogun (Gorô Inagaki) terrorizes the countryside, raping and murdering at whim.

Fearing the sadistic lord will rise to a higher position, the services of an elderly samurai, Shinzaemon (Koji Yakusho), are sought.

In order to snuff out the savage noble, Shinzaemon assembles former samurais to assist him in the ambush.

Unfortunately, the anticipated 70 guardsmen turn out to be 200 strong.

Inspired by true events, 13 Assassins is a blood-soaked, myth-laden, revenge mission, heavily rooted in the bushido code of honour.

Samurais are so respectful, in fact, that disemboweled warriors will actually mop up their own guts before dying.  0

***Spandex-Men ***

Superheroes

The reason normal people don’t dress up like comic book superheroes and fight crime is because they can’t afford to copyright both their costume and their code-name.

Fortunately for the real-life masked marvels in this documentary, no one will ever want to infringe on their intellectual property.

Inspired by what they’ve seen in movies and read in comic books, a number of men and women in America have donned capes in order to thwart evil.

From Mr. Extreme–a San Diego superhero who sleeps in his van–to Master Legend–a Floridian crime-fighter who frequents bars in his costume–hometown heroes are rampant.

There is even a collective: Team Justice, who stage nightly stings in an attempt to keep the streets safe.

Frightening, engaging and uproarious, HBO’s Superheroes is an uncanny viewing experience.      

Now, if we can only get rapists to wear elaborate stage make-up, we’ll have our super villains. 

He's a Dweeb Dealer. He’s the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Low, Low Price on his Head. He’s the…

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Week of September 9, 2011

I don't want to die while I'm still alive. First up…

Hanna

The idea of a teenage girl killing someone in cold blood is completely absurd – unless, of course, you count cyber-bulling classmates into committing suicide.

And while the teen in this action movie uses her fingertips to assail, they’re for pulling triggers, not for texting.

Raised in the wilds of Finland by her father Erik (Eric Bana), Hanna (Saoirse Ronan) grows up with no concept of the outside world, except for what her father teaches her.

When she is not being home schooled, Hanna is groomed to be an elite killer.

When prepared, she is released into society where she carries out her father’s order to kill a top CIA agent (Cate Blanchett).

A cerebral thriller, Hanna synchronizes kinetic action sequences with calming coming-of-age moments, creating a unique interpretation of the femme fatale.

However, the trouble with adolescent assassins is that their adult targets never take the wounds that they inflict seriously.  0

Everything Must Go

Erecting a delousing booth adjacent to a yard sale is an excellent way to make some extra cash during the summer.

Unfortunately, the clothing on the front lawn of the loser in this drama is not there for rummaging.

After he is fired from his high paying executive job for excessive drinking, Nick (Will Ferrell) thinks that he has hit rock bottom.

However, upon returning home, he discovers that things have just worsened.

Lining his front lawn is everything he owns. Accompanying his junk is a Dear John letter from his wife.

With no where else to go, Nick takes up residence on his lawn, where his days are comprised of heavy drinking and soul searching.

A depressing story of self-destruction, adorned with delicate moments of humanity, Everything Must Go is a poignant film.

And while someone's stuff on their front lawn usually signifies a yard sale, it can also denote a tornado.  0

***She Hit Man***

Nikita

The reason teenagers make such bad assassins is that they Tweet their target and location beforehand, resulting in blood-soaked ambushes.

And while the teen assassin in this action movie isn’t tweeting, she is tweaking.

When a group of juvenile junkies attempt to heist a pharmacy, they find themselves in a shootout with police.

For her part in the incident, drug addict Nikita (Anne Parillaud) is sentenced to death. However, instead of execution, she is spirited away by French intelligence and trained to be an elite assassin.

With a meteoric rise through the hit person ranks, she is soon groomed for the position of sleeper agent.

Unfortunately, her undercover mission is jeopardized when she falls in love.

A thrilling portrayal of a feisty femme fatale, director Luc Besson presents a gritty, violent depiction of what it takes to be a hit woman.

Besides, when women assassins have PMS, their productivity triples.

He's a Schmoozing Target. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He went to Degrade School. He’s the…

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Week of September 2, 2011

Knowledge is free; diplomas are not. First up…

Prom

When a high school hosts a 1920s-themed Prom and the graduating class comes dressed in Civil War attire, it is irrefutable evidence our education system is failing.

Thankfully, the premise of the promenade in this teen-comedy does not involve any historical accuracy.  

When all of the decorations for the prom perish in a random fire, the class president (Aimee Teegarden) is left scrabbling.

Serendipitously, the class badass (Thomas McDonell) infuriates the principal, garnering himself a severe punishment, wherein he must help craft the new ornaments.

Simultaneously, a host of other clichéd high school romances sprout up and play out in similar fashion.

A rose coloured representation of high school graduation, Disney’s Prom is squeaky clean: the actors are fresh faced, the vignettes are wishy-washy and the jokes are sterile.

Besides, how can you even call it a senior prom if there wasn’t even one abandoned newborn found in the toilet?  0

***Prom Bombshell*** 

She’s All That

The only downside to being Prom Queen is that you can’t behead any of your zit-faced subjects.

Fortuitously, the Prom Queen in this teen-comedy is merely a pawn.

Distraught over a break-up, Zach (Freddie Prinze, Jr.) makes a bet with his friend Dean (Paul Walker) that he can turn any female candidate into a royal consort before the prom.

In charge of selecting a worthy contender, Dean decides on Laney (Rachael Leigh Cook), a dowdy art student.

Accepting the challenge, Zach begins reworking the reject and eventually turns her into something very regal.

But Zach’s newfound feelings for Laney are jeopardized when she learns the truth.

With doe eyed leads and a dumbed down plot, this slightly amusing adaptation of Pygmalion turns the ugly duckling anecdote on its ear.

Besides, it doesn’t matter who the Prom Queen is, the Prom King will inevitability be going home with the Prom Lady-in-Waiting.

He's a Prom Knight. He's the...

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