Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Wooden Nickel Plated. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 29, 2013

Counterfeiting pennies never really caught on. First up…

Lincoln

Finally, Hollywood has come to their senses and made a movie about the 1967 Lincoln Continental Town Car.

Oops, apparently this drama is about the guy on the US penny, not the luxurious sedan.

During America’s Civil War, its 16th President, Abraham Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis), attempts to add an amendment to the Constitution that would abolish slavery.

But in order to get the bill passed in the House of Representatives (Tommy Lee Jones) before serving slaves returned to servitude, Lincoln needs lame duck Democrats to support his amendment.

On the home front, Lincoln’s loyal First Lady, Mary Todd (Sally Field), struggles with head injuries obtained during an alleged assassination attempt.

While the leads are unprecedented as the Lincolns, the desiccation of American politics mixed with poetic propaganda makes for one biased and boring film.

Incidentally, those two qualities make it the ideal movie to show students during American History class.  0

Parental Guidance

The most difficult part of being a parent today is getting the Internet to raise your children up to be polite, considerate adults.

Thankfully, there are grandparents around to rear them, as this comedy corroborates.  

When overprotective, helicopter parents Alice (Marisa Tomei) and Phil (Tom Everett Scott) desire time alone, they are forced to call Alice’s estranged parents, Artie (Billy Crystal) and Diane (Bette Midler), to baby-sit their three kids (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf, Joshua Rush, Bailee Madison).

But battle lines are quickly drawn, when Alice disapproves of the old-school disciplinary methods that her parents employ.

Conversely, Artie feels his daughter’s micromanaging is detrimental to her brood’s enjoyment of childhood.

Perfectly capturing the hypersensitive disposition of modern parents, this lighthearted look at the parental gap fails when it comes to laughs and chemistry. 

Incidentally, this generational disconnect is why no one includes grandparents on their vehicle’s stick figure family portrait.  0

Killing Them Softly

The softest way to kill someone is to place a silk encased feather-down pillow over their face and smothering them to death.

This thriller, however, defines "soft killing" as shooting from afar.

Johnny (Vincent Curatola) hires Frankie (Scoot McNairy) and Russell (Ben Mendelsohn) to holdup a gangland poker game under the assumption the blame will fall on Markie (Ray Liotta), the guy who robbed it previously.

Unfortunately, when Russell spills the beans about their successful heist, it gets back to Jackie Cogan (Brad Pitt), a cold-blooded hit man hired by the mafia to kill Markie.

Fearful for his life, Frankie makes a deal with Jackie to give him Johnny, but can he trust Jackie to keep his word?

While the assassinations are impressive, the longwinded chats and Frankie’s irritating voice make for an uneven experience.          

Incidentally, the best disguise for robbing a poker game is wearing sunglasses and a hoodie.  0 

***Confederate Flagrant***

North and South

The most beguiling aspect of Northern Americans fighting Southern Americans is that both sides had to attend the same Bob Hope USO show.

Unfortunately, this mini-series doesn’t depict any incidences from those prospective powder kegs.

While on his way to West Point, Orry (Patrick Swayze), the offspring of a plantation owner, meets George (James Read), the heir to a steel dynasty, and they become fast friends.

But when civil war breaks out, the pair must part ways: Orry becomes a Confederate officer, while George is military aide to Lincoln (Hal Holbrook).

Meanwhile, both family fortunes are threatened: Orry’s plantation from slave revolt, and George’s company from his war-profiting sister-in-law.

Bursting with made-for-TV pageantry, this star-studded adaptation of the literary trilogy strikes the perfect balance between historical events and soapy melodrama.

And in the end, the North got what it wanted from the South: to turn their slaves into free taxpayers.

He’s Stonewall Jackass. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Hopeless Necromantic. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 22, 2012

Elf ears let everyone know you’re a Trekkie. First up…

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The best thing about returning to Middle-earth is that you can call little people dwarves and not get sued for it.

But you will be required to join a harrowing campaign similar to the one in this Fantasy/Adventure.

Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) tricks the lissome hobbit Bilbo (Martin Freeman) into helping nomadic dwarves - led by their displaced ruler (Richard Armitage) - reclaim the Lonely Mountain from an avarice dragon.

Before they can get to the scaly usurper, they must first contend with trolls, giants, elves, goblins, Orcs, a Necromancer, Gollum (Andy Serkis) and the White Council (Christopher Lee, Hugo Weaving, Cate Blanchett).

An ocular feast featuring new and familiar faces, this pulse-pounding Lord of the Rings prequel may be jocular but it’s as high a caliber an adventure as its successor.

Incidentally, the upside to traveling with hirsute dwarves is they never borrow your voltage converter for their electric shavers.  0

Zero Dark Thirty

Great, another American propaganda picture about a clandestine CIA mission to the Middle East that was in actuality accomplished by Canadians.

However, this spy-thriller affirms that hosers did not assassinate Osama bin Laden.

An expert on the al-Qaeda leader, CIA operative Maya (Jessica Chastain) is assigned to Pakistan where she joins a fellow agent (Jason Clarke) in torturing a man with suspected ties to the terrorist cell.

Following leads obtained under duress, Maya is led on a wild-goose chase that lasts years and involves underhanded tactics and attempts on her life.

In 2011, information as to bin Laden’s whereabouts is obtained and Navy SEALs are deployed.

An unbiased look at what it took to bring the most hated man in America to justice, Zero Dark Thirty is a gritty story with jarring revelations.

Furthermore, with bin Laden dead, America can repossess the arms they sold him in the ‘80s.  0

Les Misérables

The hardest part of vocal performance during a revolution is not confusing your musket for your pitch pipe.

Fortunately, perfect pitch is not a prerequisite for this musical.

Breaking parole to start anew, Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman) assumes a new name and becomes the mayor of a village.

But when Valjean’s former prison guard (Russell Crowe) recognizes him, Valjean must flee; however, this time with the daughter of a deceased prostitute (Anne Hathaway).

When Cosette (Amanda Seyfried) matures, she becomes romantic with a revolutionist (Eddie Redmayne) that Valjean later saves the life of during an uprising.

Meanwhile, Valjean’s nemesis threatens to expose his sorted past to his adopted daughter.

Based on the musical inspired by Victor Hugo’s novel, this contemporary adaptation looks fastidious, but sounds amateurish, with only a few tolerable singers, and even fewer French accents.

Besides, the only thing that the French won’t rebel against is Nazis occupation.  0

This is 40

If no one ever turned 40-years-old than there would be no one to give all of those nauseating Over the Hill gag gifts to.

Thankfully, the over the hill humour in this comedy is quite astute.

The week Debbie (Leslie Mann) and her husband Pete (Paul Rudd) are set to celebrate their 40th birthdays, Debbie disavows her age.

Meanwhile, middle age finds Pete on the verge on bankruptcy after his label’s latest performer undersold and his father’s (Albert Brooks) financial dependency sucked him dry.

While Pete keeps their ruin from Debbie, she keeps her third pregnancy from him.

An honest and engaging glimpse at the emotions involved in the aging process, as well as that of matrimony, This is 40 is writer and director Judd Apatow’s most relevant and risible movie in recent years.

Incidentally, turning forty means you finally understand why your father abandoned you when he turned 40.  0

***Under a Bridge Too Far***

Trollhunter

The key to capturing a troll is to post heartfelt stories on the Internet and wait for them to post inflammatory and racist comments.

Outside of a cyber-space setting, however, a bear carcass will suffice.

While filming a documentary on Hans (Otto Jespersen), a supposed poacher, the film crew, Thomas (Glenn Erland Tosterud), Johanna (Johanna Mørck) and Kalle (Tomas Alf Larsen), learn that Hans is in fact stalking trolls, which apparently populate the Norwegian countryside.

Armed with UV-ray powered weapons and an atheistic belief in order to avoid trolls keen scent for Christian blood, the intrepid artists bare witness to Hans’ war against a wide-variety of Norway’s most noteworthy bridge-dwellers.

Comprised of found footage, this foreign fantasy is an unexpected gem. With a clandestine storyline, diverse and detailed character design, Trollhunter is an unanticipated but appreciated surprise.

However, a good rule of thumb is to not hunt anything that you can stand in the anus of.

He's a Cheez Wizard. He's the...

Vidiot