Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Nitwitty. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 8, 2013

Video arcades always had the best drugs. First up…

Wreck-It Ralph

The worst part of being a video arcade villain from the ‘80s is that you got paid in sullied quarters.

However, the retro rogue in this animated feature only wants to be paid in gratitude.

Tired of his job as the baddie in the Fix-It Felix, Jr. (Jack McBrayer) game at the arcade, Wreck-It Ralph (John C. Reilly) makes a pact with the game’s populace to prove he can win a medal like Felix.

To do so, Ralph abandons his game and finds himself in a coin-operated Candy-Land kart-game, where he befriends a glitch (Sarah Silverman) with racing aspirations.

Meanwhile, Ralph’s own game is in danger of being unplugged.

Despite its dips into EC rating territory, Ralph’s astounding animation, thorough storytelling and cavalcade of 8-bit icons, secures it a high score.

Sadly, the only arcade-type appliance Ralph could crawl into nowadays is a Sex and the City themed slot machine.  0

Red Dawn

It makes sense that North Korea would attack the United States right after South Korea had weakened the America peoples’ resolve with Gangnam Style.

Thankfully, there is no K-Pop in this action movie.

Marine on-leave, Jed Eckert (Hemsworth), his brother (Josh Peck) and their friends (Adrianne Palicki, Erica Martin, Connor Cruise, Josh Hutcherson) hide out in a cabin while North Korean troops invade their small-town.

Relying on Jed’s army training, young warriors are promptly fashioned. Then, under the codename: The Wolverines, they attack their occupier’s defenses.

But can the teenage insurgents withstand Korea’s Communist co-conspirator who helped them take America off the electrical grid?

A desultory and ham-fisted remake of the 1984 classic, this Red Dawn lacks both story and character development. Not to mention its insensitive depiction of a nuclear-armed nation.

Incidentally, if North Korea is cool with NAFTA, Canada and Mexico have no problem with them occupying America.  0

Playing for Keeps

The good thing about an ex-English footballer coaching your kid’s soccer team is that he will teach them the proper way to head-butt football hooligans.

However, the British bloke behind the team of tykes in this rom-com is more concerned with reuniting with his ex.

Appalled at his son’s soccer coach, washed up forward George (Gerard Butler) steps in.

Not only do George’s players appreciate his insight, but their horny moms (Catherine Zeta-Jones, Uma Thurman, Judy Greer) do as well.

While trying to keep the she-wolves at bay, George works on winning back his wife (Jessica Biel), and securing a commentating gig.

With its sexist slant on soccer moms and its unsubstantial script, Playing for Keeps is a tactless and hapless hack job defectively split between family-drama and hypersexual comedy.

Besides, the best thing about dating a soccer mom is that she always brings along post-coital Kool-Aid and orange slices.  0

***Footbald***

Shaolin Soccer

If wars were settled at the World Cup, there’s a high probability the world's economy would be in the hands of a country affected by the European debt crisis.

Fortunately, the country kicking soccer balls in this action/comedy is well heeled.

Interested in spreading the virtues of kung fu, Shaolin monk Sing (Stephen Chow) sets out to incorporate the combat technique with soccer.

With the help of a former footballer Golden Leg (Ng Man Tat), Sing assembles a sad squadron of monks and street-thugs that he conditions into Team Shaolin.

Using their physics defying soccer moves to secure a spot in a prestigious tournament, Team Shaolin must face-off against the US super-serum enhanced Team Evil.  

A slapstick underdog comedy combined with a versus style video game aesthetic, Shaolin Soccer is a unique and enthralling experience.

Thankfully, Team Shaolin did not have to face-off against the flaming monks of Team Tibetan.

He’s a Half-Time Show-off. He’s the…

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