Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Wooden Nickel Plated. He’s the…

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Week of March 29, 2013

Counterfeiting pennies never really caught on. First up…

Lincoln

Finally, Hollywood has come to their senses and made a movie about the 1967 Lincoln Continental Town Car.

Oops, apparently this drama is about the guy on the US penny, not the luxurious sedan.

During America’s Civil War, its 16th President, Abraham Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis), attempts to add an amendment to the Constitution that would abolish slavery.

But in order to get the bill passed in the House of Representatives (Tommy Lee Jones) before serving slaves returned to servitude, Lincoln needs lame duck Democrats to support his amendment.

On the home front, Lincoln’s loyal First Lady, Mary Todd (Sally Field), struggles with head injuries obtained during an alleged assassination attempt.

While the leads are unprecedented as the Lincolns, the desiccation of American politics mixed with poetic propaganda makes for one biased and boring film.

Incidentally, those two qualities make it the ideal movie to show students during American History class.  0

Parental Guidance

The most difficult part of being a parent today is getting the Internet to raise your children up to be polite, considerate adults.

Thankfully, there are grandparents around to rear them, as this comedy corroborates.  

When overprotective, helicopter parents Alice (Marisa Tomei) and Phil (Tom Everett Scott) desire time alone, they are forced to call Alice’s estranged parents, Artie (Billy Crystal) and Diane (Bette Midler), to baby-sit their three kids (Kyle Harrison Breitkopf, Joshua Rush, Bailee Madison).

But battle lines are quickly drawn, when Alice disapproves of the old-school disciplinary methods that her parents employ.

Conversely, Artie feels his daughter’s micromanaging is detrimental to her brood’s enjoyment of childhood.

Perfectly capturing the hypersensitive disposition of modern parents, this lighthearted look at the parental gap fails when it comes to laughs and chemistry. 

Incidentally, this generational disconnect is why no one includes grandparents on their vehicle’s stick figure family portrait.  0

Killing Them Softly

The softest way to kill someone is to place a silk encased feather-down pillow over their face and smothering them to death.

This thriller, however, defines "soft killing" as shooting from afar.

Johnny (Vincent Curatola) hires Frankie (Scoot McNairy) and Russell (Ben Mendelsohn) to holdup a gangland poker game under the assumption the blame will fall on Markie (Ray Liotta), the guy who robbed it previously.

Unfortunately, when Russell spills the beans about their successful heist, it gets back to Jackie Cogan (Brad Pitt), a cold-blooded hit man hired by the mafia to kill Markie.

Fearful for his life, Frankie makes a deal with Jackie to give him Johnny, but can he trust Jackie to keep his word?

While the assassinations are impressive, the longwinded chats and Frankie’s irritating voice make for an uneven experience.          

Incidentally, the best disguise for robbing a poker game is wearing sunglasses and a hoodie.  0 

***Confederate Flagrant***

North and South

The most beguiling aspect of Northern Americans fighting Southern Americans is that both sides had to attend the same Bob Hope USO show.

Unfortunately, this mini-series doesn’t depict any incidences from those prospective powder kegs.

While on his way to West Point, Orry (Patrick Swayze), the offspring of a plantation owner, meets George (James Read), the heir to a steel dynasty, and they become fast friends.

But when civil war breaks out, the pair must part ways: Orry becomes a Confederate officer, while George is military aide to Lincoln (Hal Holbrook).

Meanwhile, both family fortunes are threatened: Orry’s plantation from slave revolt, and George’s company from his war-profiting sister-in-law.

Bursting with made-for-TV pageantry, this star-studded adaptation of the literary trilogy strikes the perfect balance between historical events and soapy melodrama.

And in the end, the North got what it wanted from the South: to turn their slaves into free taxpayers.

He’s Stonewall Jackass. He’s the…

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