Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Ear Drummer. He’s the…

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Week of Smarch 17, 2011

I play per-concussion. First up…

The Fighter

The best thing about being a boxer is that after retiring due to all those concussions, you’re primed for a career in the NHL.

Unfortunately, the aged boxer in this drama can’t ice-skate.

Sick of being a stepping-stone for other, better fighters, ‘Irish’ Mickey Ward (Mark Wahlberg) decides to make an honest go of it.

Trained in the shadow of his once triumphant, now strung-out older half-brother Dicky (Christian Bale) and mismanaged by his controlling mother Alice (Melissa Leo), Mickey goes nowhere.

It is not until he meets a fiery waitress (Amy Adams) that he decides to look out for his own best interest, and ditch his family.

Striking the perfect balance between great acting, superb directing and a terrific script, this true-life boxing bout packs a wallop.

Furthermore, unlike other man-on-man sports, boxing doesn’t end with the fighters on the ground with their heads cradled in each other’s crotches.  0

Hereafter

Receiving messages from the dead would be easier if everyone would just remember to die with their cell phone in their hand…oh wait, they do.

Unfortunately, the clairvoyant in this drama is incommunicado.

Believing that his gift to speak to the dead is a curse, a once famed psychic, now blue-collar worker, George (Matt Damon), retreats to a life of loneliness.

Meanwhile, a French journalist (Cécile de France) who survived a tsunami releases a book about her near death experience.

Elsewhere, a surviving twin (Frankie McLaren) seeks the service of charlatans in hopes of reaching his dead brother. 

Eventually, all three vastly different lives intersect.

A haphazard and somewhat tedious foray into the realm of spiritual and serendipitous occurrences, Hereafter is split between too smart and too dumb.

Besides, the only time strangers are likely to come together through spiritual means is when the same phone psychic rips them off.  0

***Belfast and the Furious***

Luck of the Irish

The reason the Irish are so lucky is because they bathe in the blood of Leprechauns.

And while it is unfortunate that this family-comedy doesn’t address the issue of exploiting wee folk, it does speak to their inexplicable good fortune.

When Kyle (Ryan Merriman)–star basketball player and luckiest kid in school–loses his lucky coin, he finds himself reverting into a leprechaun.

Informed by his mother that he is of little people linage, and that losing the charm means no more luck or human guise, Kyle and his grandfather (Henry Gibson) set out to reclaim the family heirloom from the impish faerie that stole it.

While this Disney Channel Original Movie is reminiscent of others like it, i.e. horrible acting, ridiculous dialogue and infantile plot, its shrewd manipulation of Irish stereotypes and fey folklore sets it apart.

Besides, becoming a leprechaun isn’t so bad – who needs all their limbs?

He’s a Leprechaun Artist. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bad Newscaster. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 10, 2011

Anyone can read off a teleprompter. First up…

Morning Glory

If television morning shows want to reach a younger audience than they need to change their broadcasting hours to the late afternoon.

And while the morning show in this romantic-comedy continues to broadcast before sunrise, it did manage to hire a youthful producer.

After she’s laid off from being a local morning news producer, Becky (Rachel McAdams) lands an executive producer gig with a struggling national morning show.

As one of her first acts, she fires the co-host and hires gruff veteran newsman Mike Pomeroy (Harrison Ford) to co-anchor the show alongside Colleen (Diane Keaton).

However, Mike’s refusal to cover soft news puts the jocular show in jeopardy.

Telecasting a trove of titters as well as topical, yet terrifying, tête-à-têtes on the transition of information into infotainment, Morning Glory blossoms.

In fact, like current news stories, its merits should be discussed ad nauseam by a panel of semi-experts and Twitters.  0

The Next Three Days

The worst thing about being married to someone who is in prison is that when they get out they’ll be more educated and in better physical shape than you.

However, it’s unlikely that the motives of the desperate husband in this thriller have anything to do with his incarcerated spouse’s brains or brawn.

After his wife, Lara (Elizabeth Banks), is sentenced to prison for the murder of her boss, college professor and single father John (Russell Crowe) hatches a plan to break her out.

Obtaining pertinent escape intel from a successful jail-breaker (Liam Neeson), as well as from Youtube, John carries out the desperate act over an extended period of time.

With a flat romance and a plodding plot that culminates in an underwhelming ending, The Next Three Days is a tepid caper.

Besides, the easiest way to break in and out of women’s prison is on the tampon delivery truck.  0

Jackass 3D

The best thing about performing stunts with your buddies is that if you’re seriously injured, you can count on them to get your footage to YouTube immediately.

Unfortunately for the extreme exhibitionists injured in this comedy, their antics were shot in 3D, so their footage needs to be sent to a lab.

Besides a preamble provided by Beavis and Butt-head, Jackass 3D opens in the same over-the-top fashion as its predecessors.

From there the Jackass cast (Johnny Knoxville, Bam Margera, Steve-O, Chris Pontius, Preston Lacy and Wee Man) adhere to their usual agenda of self-abusive stunts, including a game of beehive tetherball and porta-potty bungee.

Based on the groundbreaking MTV series, Jackass 3D pulls out all of the stops; unfortunately, the penis pranks and sleazy sketches detract from the boys more ingenious gambles.

As for other three dimensional jackasses, you can usually find them walking around or driving cars everywhere.  0

***Past Its Prime Time***

Network

Since the majority of the television viewers are brain-dead lummoxes, having low ratings is actually a compliment.

Unfortunately, not attaching the drooling masses to your network can lead to layoffs, or worse.

Getting wind he’ll be canned from the evening news due to disappointing numbers, veteran newsman Howard Beale (Peter Finch) snaps, announcing his on-air suicide in one week’s time.

Causing a spike in the ratings, network executives permit his tirades, even going so far as giving Beale his own show.

Meanwhile, his boss (William Holden) tangles romantically and theologically with a young producer (Faye Dunaway) who’s keen on amalgamating news and entertainment.

A satirical stab at the heart of television and the subversive spell it casts over millions, Network is as much a dark-comedy as it is a relevant rally cry.

Fortunately, its prophecy of pap news broadcasting never came true, or at least that’s what Billy Bush reported.

He’s a Constant Infotainer. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Forges Signature Moves. He’s the…

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Smarch 3, 2011

How do identity theft victims describe their assailant? First up…

127 Hours

Losing an appendage can be cause for celebration, so long as it happens at work and you have coverage.

Unfortunately, the incident involving the young man in this drama occurred on the weekend, sans the protection of workers comp.

After parting ways with a pair of hikers (Kate Mara, Amber Tamblyn) that he met while out on the trail of a Utah National Park, amateur adventurer Aron Ralston (James Franco) falls down a crevasse, where his right hand is pinned beneath a boulder.

Unable to free himself, his water depleted, and his mind reeling with famine-induced visions of past relationships with his parents and ex-girlfriend, Aron is finally forced to make a grievous decision if he hopes to survive.

Based on Ralston’s autobiography, 127 Hours is a gripping, grotesque exposition of human endurance, masterfully executed by director Danny Boyle.

Besides, what mountaineer wouldn’t want an ice axe for a hand?  0

Faster

The best thing about being a wheelman is that you get to pick which radio station you and your gang will be riddled with bullets to.

And while this action-thriller doesn’t divulge where the radio dial is positioned, it does include a healthy dose of lead.

Immediately after his release from prison, Driver (Dwayne Johnson) walks into an office building and shoots an employee in the head.

This blatant attack piques the interest of a reckless cop (Billy Bob Thornton) and his new partner (Carla Gugino).

But as Driver’s random victims continue to pile up, the investigating officers learn that his victims aren’t so random or innocent.

By adding the element of surprise to the typical straightforward tale of revenge, Faster reinvigorates the ultra violent genre without catering to the squeamish.

However, with the high cost of gas, instead of using a car, criminals should flee on a Tandem bicycle.  0

Love and Other Drugs

If love is actually a drug, and if parents don’t want their son or daughter to be an addict, then they must stop loving their children immediately.

And while the couple in this dramedy don’t have any children, if they did, love wouldn’t be the only drug on their pee test.

While on the fast track with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, gifted salesman Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal) meets his match in Maggie (Anne Hathaway), the patient of a doctor (Hank Azaria) he is trying woo.

Although they agree to keep things carnal, both go back on their word and fall in love.

But when it becomes apparent that Maggie’s Parkinson’s could hinder his career, Jamie must reassess.

A bi-polar mix of a depressing love story and raunchy sex comedy, Love and Other Drugs is in need of mood stabilizer.

And while dating a pill-dealer sounds beneficial, just remember, they rattle when they walk.  0

Burlesque 

The difference between strippers and burlesque performers is that the latter have long tufts of thread growing out of their nipples.

What’s more, as this musical points out, burlesque performers also dance and sing – some better than others.

Arriving in L.A. with dreams of making it as a singer, Ali (Christina Aguilera) is drawn towards the mystique of a local burlesque club.

Determined to join the risqué revue, Ali begins to work at the club, despite the owner Tess' (Cher) objection.

But when it becomes apparent Ali can sing better than the current lip-synching head dancer (Kristen Bell), Tess gives her the lead in hopes of raising enough capital to save the club from being torn down.

While the story and acting is almost there, the musical performances by Cher and Aguilera keep Burlesque from becoming campy.

Unfortunately, like burlesque itself, this movie will only interest gay men and overweight women.  0

***Base Campy***

Showgirls

The act of stripping only became acceptable once overweight women learnt they could lose weight doing it.

And while the stripper-cum-showgirl in this drama needs more than the suffix -aerobics added to her occupation to gain self-respect, she finds it in Las Vegas.

Arriving in town with nothing but a dream of being a dancer, Nomi (Elizabeth Berkley) gets lucky when she’s introduced to Cristal (Gina Gershon), the haughty head showgirl at the Stardust.

Enthralled by Nomi, Cristal and her entertainment director boyfriend (Kyle MacLachlan) arrange an audition for her. But not before seducing her.

Once in the show, Nomi and Cristal’s friendship begins to deteriorate as the two compete for the spotlight.

A campy combination of comical lines and sensual situations, Showgirls is one of the best worst movies ever.

And while bare-chested stage shows are a highlight of the strip, they’re not as arousing as the topless buffets.

He's Stage Show-vinstic. He’s the…

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