Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Killjoy Stick. He’s the…

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Week of October 30, 2015

Throw turtles at people in Mario and Luigi costumes. First up…

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Pixels

If modern video game characters ever came to life much cooler avatars of everyone you know would overpopulate the world.

Fortunately, the sentient screen villains in this comedy are only 8-Bit characters.

When Earth is attacked by an advanced race of aliens based on archaic arcade games like, Centipede, Pac-Man and Donkey Kong, the U.S. President (Kevin James) recruits his old school gamer friends Sam (Adam Sandler) and Ludlow (Josh Gad) to the train Marines.

But when the noobs fail epically, the Commander and Chief must strike a deal with the imprisoned player (Peter Dinklage) who beat Sam in the 1982 World Championships.

While in the right hands this high-concept throwback to the joystick days could have been a nostalgic romp, but instead it has been curtailed by the brainless brand of bad 80s’ humour its producer Adam Sandler embodies.

Incidentally, to defeat gamers simply stop their supply of ADHA medication. Red Light

 

Southpaw

The reason left-handed people live shorter lives than right-handed people is mainly due to stick shifts.

However, manual transmission is not even close to the cause of death in this drama.

After the accidental shooting of his wife (Rachel McAdams) at the hands of a rival boxer’s (Miguel Gomez) posse, World Light Heavyweight champ Billy Hope (Jake Gyllenhaal) goes into a tailspin that ultimately costs him custody of his daughter (Oona Laurence).

To get her back from The State, Billy recruits a weathered trainer (Forest Whitaker) to whip him into shape for an upcoming bout with the pugilist responsible for obliterating his world.

While Gyllenhaal draws you in with his knockout performance as the struggling single dad, the training montages, specialty punch and cantankerous coach cause this comeuppance tale to become nothing more than a formulaic boxing movie.

Besides, I thought we vaccinated children from getting left-handedness years ago.  Yellow Light

***Second Life Sentence***

 

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Brainscan

The upside to murdering someone online is not having to clean up all that blood afterwards.

Unfortunately, for the player in this horror movie, his victims are appearing in reality.

A homebody since an accident, Michael (Edward Furlong) has become a skilled gamer eager for new challenges, which he finds in a hyper-realistic mail-order game.

Egged on by the games master Trickster (T. Ryder Smith), Michael starts slaying online characters only to discover the same killings have occurred in his neighborhood.

Stranger still, Trickster has escaped the game and is ordering him to kill the girl-next-door (Amy Hargreaves).

While the first person perception of the game play was ahead of its time for 1994, any prescience or innovation within this thriller is irreparably damaged by the inclusion of the irritating Trickster character.

Furthermore, if video game victims started materializing there would be a ton of decapitated martial artists lying around.

He’s in 8-bits and Pieces. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Living Dead Tired. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 23, 2015

Foodie zombies take pictures of brains before they eat them. First up….

Jurassic World

The great thing about Jurassic World is that the vegetarian dinosaurs have all been transferred to Euro Jurassic World.

In fact, the carnivorous reptilians populating this sci-fi adventure are designed to be even more ravenous.

With attendance waning, scientists at a living dinosaur destination use DNA from predatory dinosaurs to conceive a genetically altered apex predator to bring the crowds back to the remote island resort.

But when the hungry hybrid escapes its confines, the park’s operations manager (Bryce Dallas Howard) and her visiting nephews (Ty Simpkins, Nick Robinson) must rely on the resident Velociraptor wrangler (Chris Pratt) to outwit their astute stalker.

A return to form for the dormant DNA tampering franchise, what Jurassic World lacks in plot, character development and plausibility, it makes up for in rapid pacing, salient visual effects and nonstop thrills.

Incidentally, Jurassic World’s main competition will always be that genetically modified Creationist theme park.  Green Light

 

Paper Towns

The convenient thing about a town made out of paper is that it can easily be folded into a paper airplane and relocated.

Mind you, the mapmaking term is more of a metaphor in this mystery.

After an unexpected adventure with Margo (Cara Delevingne), the estranged neighbor he grew up but no longer talks to, high school senior Quentin (Nat Wolff) is stunned when she doesn’t come to school the next day, or the day after that.

Concerned over her disappearance, he and his friends (Austin Abrams, Justice Smith) conduct an investigation based on the cryptic clues she left behind.

Less than the soul stirring coming of age story it hopes to be, this aptly acted adaptation of the popular YA novel doesn’t cover any new gawky teen territory even with its missing persons premise.

Moreover, when teen girls stop coming to class it usually means they’re now teen moms.  Yellow Light

***Stillbirth Day***

 

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The Dunwich Horror

When you birth a monster the C in C-Section stands for ‘clawed its way out’.

Mind you, the monstrosity in this horror movie is rumored to have been a stillbirth.

Years after his insane mother brought him and his malformed twin into this world, Wilbur (Dean Stockwell) appears on the Miskatonic University campus in search of the Necronomicon.

Hypnotizing a student (Sandra Dee), he not only gets her to hand over the magical textbook but to also accompany him back to Dunwich, Massachusetts, where he plans to use it and her in an occult ceremony to summon the otherworldly Old Ones to Earth.

               

Based on the H.P. Lovecraft short story, B-Movie producer Roger Corman’s low budget interpretation is not the best incarnation of the Outer Gods, but it’s not without its gothic charms.

Unfortunately, the crucifixes for these tentacled gods will require way more nails than they did before.

He’s Kraken Knuckles. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gallows Humorist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 16, 2015

Public hangings had the best tailgate parties. First up…

 

The Gallows

Typically, it’s the audience that hangs themselves during a high school play.

However, it’s a student swinging from their neck in this horror movie.

On the 20th anniversary of an ill-fated play where a faulty gallows prop claimed the life of teenager Charlie Grimille (Jesse Cross), Beatrice High School decides to stage a repeat performance starring Reese Houser (Reese Mishler) in Charlie’s infamous role.

The night before the performance, Reese, his co-star (Pfeifer Brown), his friend Ryan (Ryan Shoos) and Ryan’s girlfriend (Cassidy Gifford) break into the school to vandalize the set only to discover the legend of Charlie is true - and he’s out for revenge.

Featuring the most nauseating found-footage in the fatigued genre’s history, The Gallows also boasts a laughable villain, and one of cinema’s most obnoxious characters in Ryan Shoos.

Besides, with all the school shootings nowadays, suicidal teenagers never even get the chance to hang themselves anymore. Red Light

 

Tomorrowland

Walt Disney was an idealistic man who envisioned the not too distant future as a technologically advanced utopia where the white race reigned supreme.

Luckily for any minorities in this sci-fi movie, his paradise didn’t quite go as planned.

When a prepubescent android (Raffey Cassidy) presents Casey (Britt Robertson) with a pin that temporarily transports her to a science based Shangri-La in a neighboring dimension, she yearns to return.

However, the only way to do that is to partner with an exiled resident (George Clooney).

With his know-how, Casey not only gets back but also learns from Tomorrowland’s erudite leader (Hugh Laurie) that her reality is in peril.

Imaginative and ambition, this adaptation of the Disney theme park ride doesn’t skimp on special effects. But while it is visually appealing, its cautionary screenplay is more akin to an ecological guilt-trip.   

Incidentally, Utopian societies designed by scientists have absolutely no churches.  Yellow Light

 

San Andreas

The good thing about California falling into the ocean is all of its wild fires will finally be extinguished.

Mind you, the ruptured gas lines, like the ones in this disaster movie, would likely cause more.

A seismologist (Paul Giamatti) testing his earthquake detector at Hoover Dam is shocked to discover shifting tectonic plates under the San Andreas Fault are causing a chain-reaction of 9.1 magnitude earthquakes down the coast.

Meanwhile in L.A., an air rescue helicopter pilot (Dwayne Johnson) and his estranged wife (Carla Gugino) fly to San Francisco to save their daughter (Alexandra Daddario) who’s trapped in a parkade with her mom’s new boyfriend (Ioan Gruffudd).

A commonplace catastrophe epic with jaw-dropping destruction, mind-numbing dialogue and derivative characters, San Andreas mirrors many of its contemporaries in the natural disaster genre but with substandard results – save for the visual effects.

Thankfully, their breast implants will keep most Californians afloat.  Yellow Light

 

Dope

In the 1990's all you had to do to get the latest fashion trends was shoot the person wearing the clothes you wanted.

Unfortunately, as this dramedy confirms, nowadays you have to actually purchase your Air Jordans.

When a local pusher (A$AP Rocky) asks him for a favor, ‘90s rap aficionado Malcolm (Shameik Moore) and his friends (Tony Revolori, Kiersey Clemons) find themselves sitting on a backpack of MDMA belonging to a Harvard alumnus (Roger Guenveur Smith).

Although Malcolm agrees to sell the powdered Molly for the cultured kingpin, in exchange, he wants to be accepted into the Ivy League university.

A satirical commentary on the limited career choices for African American males, Dope is a smart and stylish coming-of-age anecdote with notable cameos, an imposing soundtrack, and a charismatic young lead, that never feels preachy or accusatory.

Incidentally, you only have to sell inhalants to get accepted into Yale.  Green Light

***Black from the Dead***

J.D’s Revenge

The best way to tell if you’ve been possessed by an African American is if the police start arresting you for no reason.

Unfortunately for the victim in this horror movie, he’s already black himself.

Sweet-talked into being the dupe for a hypnotist by his wife (Joan Pringle), law student Ike (Glynn Turman) instead becomes the unwitting vessel for the vengeful spirit of J.D. Walker (David McKnight), a New Orleans street hustler murdered in the 1950s.

Adapting J.D’s mannerisms and flamboyant attire, Ike unknowingly begins exacting revenge on Theotis Bliss (Fred Pinkard), the man who killed J.D’s sister.

The only person standing in Ike/J.D’s way is Theotis’ brother, Reverend Elijah (Louis Gossett Jr.).

An intriguing fusion of Blaxploitation stereotypes and horror movie sensibilities, this cult classic can be as gruesome and violent as it can be campy and thrilling.

Incidentally, in the 1950s black ghosts weren’t allowed to haunt white families.

He's Taking a Black Catnap. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Holy Ghost Hunter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 9, 2015

To catch a ghost simply bait your trap with white linens. First up…

Insidious: Chapter 3

Ghosts that haunt apartments do so because their bad credit rating prevents them from haunting their own home.

The spirit in this horror movie, however, resides on an astral plane.

When a desperate father (Dermot Mulroney) reaches out to retired ghost whisperer Elise (Lin Shaye) for help with his daughter (Stefanie Scott), the widowed spiritualist reluctantly agrees.

Inside the tormented teen’s residence, Elise enters a hypnotic trance where she comes face-to-face with the demonic former tenant that is plaguing the girl.

But when the entity starts preying on her fears, Elise seeks help from two local ghost-hunters (Angus Sampson, Leigh Whannell).

Maudlin by horror standards, this weepy prequel to the events of the first two does shed light on Elise’s motivations, but does so in a familiar format leaving little room for surprise, let alone screams.

Besides, old people can communicate with the dead because they’re such close neighbors.  Yellow Light

Magic Mike XXL

Women strip their way through college; men strip their way to becoming gigolos.

Still others, like the peelers in this comedy, do it for the fun of disrobing.

Duped into reuniting with his former exotic male dance troop (Joe Manganiello, Kevin Nash, Adam Rodríguez, Matt Bomer), small-business owner Mike (Channing Tatum) decides to take a sabbatical from his shop to drive to Myrtle Beach with them for a stripping competition.

On the road, their truck brakes down and they must get assistance from a cougar (Andie MacDowell) and her daughter (Amber Heard), as well as Mike’s mentor (Jada Pinkett Smith) and her crew (Donald Glover, Stephen Boss).

With its barley there plot and clichéd road trip antics, this sequel drops the melodrama of the original and beefs up on the oily bare-chests and heaving homoeroticism.

Incidentally, dry-cleaning is cheap when all your shirts consist solely of cuffs, a collar and bow-tie. Red Light

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

The worst thing about being haunted by a teenager is your grocery bill goes through the roof.

Luckily, the adolescent in this dramedy isn’t an insatiable apparition just yet.

Forced by his parents (Nick Offerman, Connie Britton) to socialize with Rachel (Olivia Cooke), a classmate with leukemia, Greg’s (Thomas Mann) initial visits are as awkward as him.

After exposing her to parodies he and his friend Earl (Ronald Cyler II) filmed, however, their relationship takes on another form.

But those newfound feelings keep Greg from finishing an original film for his fading fan.

While the self-conscious antagonist isn’t anything new to coming-of-age tales, the hefty concept of cancer is. So on that merit alone, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl has more poignancy than others of the genre.

Worst of all, when you die young you don’t get the chance to grow old and wish you were young again.  Green Light

***Relationship Wrecked***

The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

The difference between landlubber and seafaring ghosts is the latter’s ectoplasm reeks of chum.

Mind you, scent isn’t enough to ward of the widow in this romance.

Moving with her daughter (Natalie Wood) to a cottage on the English seaside, the independently wealth Mrs. Muir (Gene Tierney) soon finds her new home is haunted by the previous owner Daniel Gregg (Rex Harrison), an ornery sea captain.

When Mrs. Muir’s fortune vanishes, her transparent tenant proposes she pen his biography, and live off the royalties.

During the process, the two grow fond of each another. But when a shifty author (George Sanders) enters the picture, Gregg concedes to his able-bodied competitor.

Light on frights but formidable in premise, this unorthodox odd-couple ghost story is a charming romp with loads of ethereal chemistry between the principal leads.  

But be forewarned, if your ghost boyfriend is abusive, no one will ever believe you.

He’s Engaged to his Séanceé. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Super Heroine Junkie. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 2, 2015

Drugs are like temporary super-powers. First up…

 

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Avengers: Age of Ultron

The best way to defeat a machine that has gone rogue is to tell it that its three-year warranty has expired.

Unfortunately, the android in this action movie is too smart to self-destruct.

Brought to life by Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) with data Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) downloaded from an infinity gem, Ultron (James Spader) vows to destroy humanity.

To do that Ultron requires a multitude of replicates, which could prove difficult as the other Avengers (Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner) have assembled with three new members (Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany) to impede him.

More convoluted than its predecessor, this initial sequel stumbles out of the gate with questionable relationships, a so-so villain and a climax that echoes the original.

Fortunately, the aforementioned won’t affect the overall enjoyment for less pedantic fans.

Besides, if the Avengers don’t destroy them the robots will take all our jobs.  Green Light

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Poltergeist 

If the spirits of the dead reside inside of televisions then they’d better start paying half the cable bill.

However, the flat-screen phantoms in this horror movie are more interested in watching you.

Shortly after the Bowens (Sam Rockwell, Rosemarie DeWitt) and their children move into their new home they each begin experiencing paranormal activity.

When the ghosts coax their youngest child (Kennedi Clements) into an adjacent dimension, the Bowens seek the assistance of a paranormal research team and a television ghost-hunter (Jared Harris) to get her back.

An abridged remake of the influential original, this non-frightening facsimile fits all the classic scenes into its limited run-time, but never develops the characters enough to have anyone care about their terror.

In fact, aping its predecessor is a detriment to this mockery, reducing it to nothing but a boilerplate haunted house movie.

Moreover, ghosts don’t even believe that ghost-hunting shows are real.  Red Light

 

entourage

The biggest difference between a television show and a theatrical release is that the movie shows its 20-minutes of commercials at the start.

Interestedly, this transitional comedy came from a network without ads.

After he screens actor Vincent Chase’s (Adrian Grenier) directorial debut, the son (Haley Joel Osment) of his financier (Billy Bob Thornton) demands that studio head Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) cut Vincent’s brother Drama (Kevin Dillion) from the film.

Elsewhere, the other members of Vinny’s retinue: Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) and E (Kevin Connolly), work on their relationships with UFC fighter Ronda Rousey and a pregnant Sloan (Emmanuelle Chriqui) respectively.

The cameo-laden feature-film adaption of the cameo-laden HBO series, Entourage is merely an elongated episode, except for the fact that the egos have grown, while the laughs and the show’s likability have waned.

Besides, bringing friends to Hollywood is dumb because now you have 3 coke habits to support.  Red Light

***The Uncanny Valley Jamboree***

 

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KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park

The reason robots cannot replace rock-stars is because they would short-circuit from all the booze they’d have to consume.

Mind you, the musical machines in this fantasy manage to make it on stage.

When funding for the automatons he maintains around Magic Mountain is funnelled into a KISS concert instead, an imbalanced inventor (Anthony Zerbe) unleashes his anger on the amusement park in the form of a robotic Gene Simmons (Gene Simmons) that rampages the grounds.

He later replaces the rest of the super-powered band: the optic-blasting Starchild (Paul Stanley), the teleporting Space Ace (Ace Frehley) and the spring-heeled Catman (Peter Criss), with android doubles designed to brainwash KISS fans.

Produced by Hanna-Barbera and aired on NBC as a movie, this campy cult classic makes the campy character designs of KISS seem even more cartoonish.

Besides, I don’t think a robot could be as arrogant as Gene Simmons without imploding.

He's Phantom Limber. He's the...

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