Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has Low Interest. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 27, 2012

Home is where your mortgage bill is sent. First up…

Silent House

Homeownership is scarier than marriage because with marriage you don’t have to be committed for 25 years.

However, you can always sell your home, like the family in this psychological-horror is hoping to do.

Helping her father (Adam Trese) and uncle (Eric Sheffer Stevens) renovate their summer home so they can sell it, Sarah (Elizabeth Olsen) begins to hear strange sounds.

Her suspicion that someone else is in the cottage is confirmed when her father is assaulted, and living quarters are discovered in the basement.

When her uncle returns from an errand, he too is wounded. Now it's up to Sarah to fend off the squatters, who somehow seem all too familiar.  

A remake of a Uruguayan thriller, this version delves into the same insidious scenarios. But it’s the frantic female lead that fuels this blemished yet 

beguiling chiller.

Besides, everyone knows working with your family always ends in murder.  0

ATM

Automated Teller Machines are an ideal place to get stacks of free envelopes for your Christmas Cards.

Unfortunately, the only thing the patrons in this horror movie are withdrawing are knives from their chests.

While driving his office crush (Alice Eve) home after their company’s Christmas party, David’s (Brian Geraghty) annoying co-worker (Josh Peck) insists they stop at an ATM.

When the three go to leave the ATM, they find a hooded figure in the parking lot is watching them.

Trapped in the hut, the trio try every trick they can to outwit their would-be killer.

Unfortunately, with the heat disabled and the kiosk being flooded, the survivors don’t have much time.

Filmed in Winnipeg, this high-concept thriller disintegrates once believability becomes a factor, so much so, that the surprise ending fails.

Besides, Winnipeg thugs don’t toy with their victims; they just stab you with a rusty screwdriver and run.  0

***Mind Over Splatter***

High Tension

When you die outdoors you finally get to see all of those exotic woodland creatures up-close, when they come to nibble on your carcass.

Unfortunately, the killer in this psychological-horror doesn’t leave much of his victims in his wake.

While spending the weekend at her friend Alex’s (Maïwenn) country home, Marie (Cécile de France) finds herself in a fight for her life after a serial killer (Philippe Nahon) invades the homestead.

With Alex held captive and both of her parents and brother butchered, Marie tiptoes around the killer, who is unaware of her presence.

When the slasher absconds from the crime scene, he takes Alex with him in his truck, where the knife-wielding Marie has stowed away.

Drenched in brutality, this feminist splatter-fest hacks its way to a lascivious and ludicrous twist ending.  

Incidentally, when in the country, the ideal place to hide a dead body is down an outhouse.

He’s Bucolic-y. He’s the…

Vidiot

***The Vidiot will not appear next week because he has qualified to compete in this year's Extra Special Olympics being held in London...Ontario. So cheer him on as he goes for a pewter medal in Bath Salt Fencing. Then join him back here on August 10th as he returns to dispense his trademarked brand of cyber-bullying thinly disguised as bad movie reviews.***  

   

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Slap Dancer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 20, 2012

What if the prop shows but the comic doesn’t? First up…

The Three Stooges

Finally, Hollywood has produced a worthy feature film about The Three Stooges: the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit.

Oops! Apparently, real-life idiots are the ones doing the eye poking in this comedy, and not members of the Godhead.

Abandoned at an orphanage, three brothers, Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos), Larry (Sean Hayes) and Curly (Will Sasso), are raised by the nuns (Jane Lynch, Jennifer Hudson, Larry David) who run it.

Years later, the incessantly sadistic triumvirate embark on a mission to make enough money to save the orphanage, after their rowdy antics made it uninsurable.

While raising the capital, the boys are unknowingly hired by a wife (Sofía Vergara) to kill her husband.

Loyal to Stooges’ brand of violent vaudevillian comedy, this version, although lacking depth, is loaded with lowbrow laughs and shovelfuls of schadenfreude.   

Incidentally, with their pratfall skills, these boys could really clean up in fraudulent personal injury lawsuits.  0

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen

The best thing about the sport of fishing is that you don’t even have to be alive in order to be successful at it.

And while this romantic drama doesn’t address the tedium of trolling, it does display its worldwide popularity.

Dr. Alfred Jones (Ewan McGregor), an uptight employee of the British Fisheries Department, is approached by Harriet (Emily Blunt), the liaison of a wealthy Sheikh (Amr Waked) interested in bringing salmon fishing to the Middle East.

Uninterested, Alfred declines the offer, only to be order to proceed with the project, as it is seen as an excellent gesture of peace between both countries.

Doubtful of the endeavour from conception, over time, Alfred warms to the notion, and his assistant.

Based on the popular novel, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is an unrealistic love story with a formulaic ending that lacks bite.

Besides, shouldn’t those female salmon be wearing Burqas?  0  

Friends with Kids

The unfortunate thing about modern relationships is that they can start out as Friends with Benefits but usually end up as Friends with Kids.

Fortunately, the co-ed companions in this romantic-comedy have never sleep together – until now.

When their couple-friends, Missy (Kristen Wiig), Ben (John Ham), Leslie  (Maya Rudolph) and Alex (Chris O'Dowd), start having children, Jason (Adam Scott) and Julie (Jennifer Westfeldt), platonic lifelong friends, decide to have one of their own.

Opting out of a complicated relationship, the two date other people: Jason with the youth Mary Jane (Megan Fox) and Julie with a mature divorced dad (Ed Burns).

But it’s not until their arrangement is called into question that they to take their unique situation seriously.

While the pejorative overtones concerning marriage are astute, this movie’s flippant attitude towards childrearing is not.

Furthermore, this is exactly why women should only impregnate themselves with their gay friend’s sperm.  0

***Our Gangbanging***

The Little Rascals

Kids today are exactly the same as kids 50 years ago. Except the mischief that modern scamps get up today involves bullying others to kill themselves.

And while the tykes in this comedy aren’t setting up hate websites, they do enjoy tomfoolery.

The esteemed members of The He-Man Women Haters Club are dumbfounded when one of their own, Alfalfa (Bug Hall), is caught romancing Darla (Brittany Ashton Holmes).

Fearful she has bewitched their star go-kart driver, Spanky (Travis Tedford), club president, sends his affiliates, Porky (Zachary Mabry) and Buckwheat (Ross Bagley), to break them up before the big race.

Unfortunately, the new kid in town (Blake McIver Ewing) may beat them to it.

With a capricious script, apt casting and barrels of monkeyshines, this update of the comedy shorts is stupendously goofy.

Incidentally, why are these rascals running wild? Shouldn’t they be at home on the couch playing video games?

He’s been High Jinxed. He’s the…

Vidiot  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Reunion Worker. He’s the… 

Vidiot

Week of July 13, 2012

My dog ate my high school reunion invitation. First up…

American Reunion

What is the point of reuniting with people that you went to high school with when you just went through all the trouble of deleting them as facebook friends?

The returning graduates in this comedy, however, are too horny to miss out.

Twelve years after they graduated, Jim (Jason Biggs) and his wife (Alyson Hannigan) attend their high school reunion, where Jim reconnects with his old friends (Chris Klein, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Seann William Scott).

As usual, Jim finds himself involved in childish pranks and sexual situations that threaten his marriage.

Meanwhile, his buddies rekindle romances with their exes (Mena Suvari, Tara Reid) and Jim's dad (Eugene Levy) deals with being a widower.

Unlike the original teen sex comedy, American Reunion is more impotent and depressing than it is ribald and titillating.

Besides, reunions are only good for hooking up with the daughters of your former classmates.  0  

Get the Gringo

Oh no! It sounds like the audience attending Mel Gibson’s speech at the Mexican synagogue dedication has turned against him. 

Thankfully, this action movie is not about Mel irking Hispanic Hebrews, but escaping a Mexican prison.

Fleeing authorities, and the crime boss he stole millions from, Jack (Mel Gibson) opts to deal with the law south of the boarder.

With his purse pinched by corrupt cops, Jack’s tossed into a black-market bazaar-like penitentiary ruled by an ailing warden.

Incarcerated, Jack meets a kid (Kevin Hernandez), who the sickly steward needs for his liver.

Knowing this, Jack plots an escape for the kid, his mother, and himself that will pit Jack's wits and fists against some tough hombres.

A pulpy actioner with a hard-nosed protagonist driving the peculiar plotline along, Get the Gringo is surprisingly rewarding.

As for Mexican authorities, any criminal would be lucky to have them investigating their case.  0

***Mexico-dependent***         

The Mexican

The reason Mexicans get nervous when Americans visit is because they’re afraid when they leave they’ll take Tijuana with them.

Fortunately, the Yankee in this rom-com is only there to appropriate a gun, and not to acquire more of Mexico’s land.

Lowly criminal Jerry (Brad Pitt) is sent to Mexico on an errand by his boss (Gene Hackman) to recover a famed firearm.

Back home, Jerry’s girlfriend (Julia Roberts) is taken as collateral by a hit man (James Gandolfini) suffering an identity crisis.

As Jerry carries the pistol on him, the tragic love story surrounding the handgun begins to reflect his own relationship with his girlfriend - who is now in Mexico.

While the romance isn’t really present, and the comedy darker than expected, The Mexican is not without its quirky charm.

Besides, smuggling guns into America is perfectly legal, so long as there aren’t any Mexican immigrants hiding inside.

He's causing Human Trafficking Jams. He’s the…

Vidiot