Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Not-For-Freelance Writer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 30, 2010

Please give’r at the door. First up…

Iron Man 2

Super-heroes should never reveal their alias – who do you think they’ll blame for all those flipped cars, smashed buildings, and dead bystanders?

Luckily, Iron Man, otherwise known as Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), is well heeled, and can easily cover restitution.

But what he can’t afford is: a Senator (Garry Shandling) demanding his technology, a Russian looking for revenge (Mickey Rourke), a Russian with a secret (Scarlett Johansson), relationship woes with his assistant (Gwyneth Paltrow), best friend (Don Cheadle) and dead father (John Slattery); not to mention a corrupt competitor (Sam Rockwell), and the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. (Samuel L. Jackson).

With its revolving door of characters, its lack of action, and endless Avengers Initiative preamble, Iron Man is much denser and duller this time around.

Moreover, if Iron Man’s armour existed, it wouldn’t belong to the government, but on the stage...in the ultimate production of The Wizard of Oz.  0 

Get Him to the Greek

Being a rock star's assistant is awesome – not only do you get to see every concert for free, but you also get to wring out their sweaty leather pants after a 2-hour performance under hot stage lights.

Unfortunately, the Pinnacle Records talent scout in this comedy doesn’t get that opportunity; instead he must cope with a rocker’s personal issues.

Ordered by his boss (Sean Combs) to fly to England and escort singer Aldo Snow (Russell Brand) to L.A. for a comeback concert, Aaron (Jonah Hill) puts his relationship and well-being on the line to work for his drug-addled idol.

A gross-out dark comedy that lacks the laughs to really lampoon the music industry, Get Him to the Greek does possess enough pathos to manipulate viewers into enjoying it.

Nevertheless, if Aldo wants to be musically relevant again, he needs to perform a duet with Justin Bieber, dressed as Lady Gaga.  0

Superman/Batman: Apocalypse

The problem with Superman and Batman living together is that their costumes could get mixed-up in the laundry and they could accidentally leave the apartment dressed as Superbat or Manman.

Fortunately, the dynamic duo aren’t roomies in this DC Comics animated movie, they’re teaming up to train a new Kryptonian.

Superman’s (Tim Daly) cousin Kara (Summer Glau) is taken into the custody of Batman (Kevin Conroy), when she crash-lands on Earth.

Bestowed with similar powers to her kin, Kara becomes a handful and is sent to study under Wonder Woman (Susan Eisenberg).

Elsewhere, Granny Goodness (Edward Asner) plots to add Kara to her death squad.

Although it unites the three vocal leads from the Justice League cartoon, Superman/Batman: Apocalypse’s potential is lost in mindless brawls and Superman do-goodery.

On the plus side, Kal-El and Kara aren’t kissing cousins, so there’s no threat of an inbred Superboy with cross-eyed heat vision.  0

***Exoskeletons in the Closet***

Iron Man: Armored Adventures – Season 1

The best thing about watching cartoons based on a comic book series is that you don’t have to comprehend all them big comic book-y words, like WHAM!, BAM!, or Adamantium!, to enjoy.

Which is why this 3D CGI cartoon based on Iron Man is so accessible.

Affluent orphan and whiz kid Tony Stark is Iron Man. And only his friends Pepper and Rhodey are privy to this information. In turn they help Tony fight the bad guys.

Elsewhere, their school chum Gene Khan diligently seeks out the five powerful rings belonging to the merciless Mandarin.

One of the better Marvel Comics cartoon series, Iron Man: Armored Adventures utilizes cutting-edge animation, comical discourse, a new continuity, and lethally re-imagined villains to bring the sometimes-tedious Iron Man to the vanguard. 

Besides, having an invincible iron suit to sit across from them at suppertime makes a wealthy orphan not feel so alone.

He’s Irony, Man. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Personal Shoplifter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 23, 2010

Crime is a non-discriminating boss. First up…

Robin Hood

Nowadays, it’s easy to identify the toxophilite who robbed you – they’re the person with the compound bow concealed in their pants.

Unfortunately, folks in the 12th century didn’t have it as easy when it came to fingering their bowman. 

With the death of Richard the Lionheart, an archer, Robin (Russell Crowe), and his cohorts, Will Scarlett (Scott Grimes), Little John (Kevin Durand) and Alan A'Dale (Alan Doyle), return home, under assumed names.

Back in England, Robin’s new moniker finds him impersonating the husband of Lady Marian (Cate Blanchett) whilst defending her lands from the contemptible Prince John (Oscar Isaac).

Replacing the merriment of the Robin Hood myth with menacing verisimilitude, director Ridley Scott devices an excruciatingly boring origin story that is wholly forgettable.

What’s more, if you’re going to commit 12th century identity fraud, you should at least impersonate someone of great prominence, like Pope Innocent III or Genghis Khan.  0

Stomp the Yard 2: Homecoming

All ethnicities enjoy dance in their own way. Latin Americans like to tango, Indians like to Bhangra, while Caucasians like to watch dance themed television shows.

As for African Americans, according to this sequel, they like to dance in-between their university classes.

When new Theta Nus pledge Chance (Collins Pennie) is pegged as the top stepper in his fraternity’s crew, the pressure is on him to win the upcoming national step-off competition.

Making matters worse is the fact that his father (Keith David) and the leader of a rival dance crew (Twitch) are both hoping that Chance chokes.

A left footed attempt at establishing a dance franchise, Stomp the Yard 2: Homecoming lacks the script, the stars, and the choreography needed to exceed the original Stomp the Yard.

Besides, due to the increase in campus violence, it’s hard to tell if students in the quad are dancing or dodging bullets.  0

***Pluck Yew***

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

No self-respecting archer would ever be caught wearing tights, unless they were outfitted with a codpiece.

Regrettably, this spoof doesn’t indicate whether the nylons in the title include a groin-emphasizing pouch or not.

Upon escaping from prison, Robin (Cary Elwes) returns to England, where he finds that the tyrant Prince John (Richard Lewis) has seized control of his family estate.

To reclaim his lands, Robin recruits a gang of outcasts (Eric Allan Kramer, Matthew Porretta, and Dave Chappelle), and formulates a plan to overthrow the would-be King of England.

Though the majority of jokes in this Mel Brooks comedy are aimed at the Kevin Costner and Errol Flynn interpretations, Men in Tights is still an accessible lampoon of the beloved legend.

And while it’s wrong to steal money, it is reasonable to relieve the wealthy of items the poor cannot use, like pool skimmers, cognac glasses, or a Chanel Boomerang.

He Turns Off Socialites. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Autumn-maton. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 16, 2010

Dead leaves are a sign of premature fallness. First up…

The Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

When Iran inspires a video game it’s assumed that its genre is some type of FPS (First-Person Stoning). 

Fortunately, this movie based on a game set in the former Persia doesn’t involve any barbaric form of capital punishment.

After leading a raid on Alamut, Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal), the adopted son of the king, obtains a magical dagger belonging to Alamut’s princess (Gemma Arterton).   

The victory, however, is short lived, when Dastan hands his father a poisoned robe and is accused of regicide. Now, he must clear his name before his uncle (Ben Kingsley) can use the dagger’s power to alter history.

Comprised of numerous story arcs from the popular franchise, Prince of Persia is one of the most creditable video game adaptations; unfortunately, its conventionality and Caucasian cast is quite insulting.

As to why there aren’t more Iranian gamers – it’s hard to pwn when your hands have been chopped off.  0

Letters to Juliet

For the record, when corresponding with Juliet, she prefers it if your notes take on the appearance of poison pen letters. That way, if Romeo intercepts, he won’t misinterpret and kill himself.

Fortunately, the fate of the star-crossed lovers in this rom-com isn’t as tragic.

While in Verona, aspiring writer Sophie (Amanda Seyfried) comes across a wall in which women leave letters addressed to Juliet Capulet.

Curious, Sophie follows the letters to a room where a group of women dole out love advice to the sender in Juliet’s name.

Inspired, Sophie tries her hand at corresponding. But when her recipient (Vanessa Redgrave) and her grandson Charlie (Chris Egan) show up in Verona, Sophie must help her track down her lost love.

While the concept is certainly intriguing, the romance between Sophie and Charlie feels forced and contrived.

Besides, the best Shakespeare character to get love advice from is obviously Hamlet.  0

Just Wright

Two fates await injured NBA players: the lucky ones join the Harlem Globetrotters; the unlucky ones go to the Nike factory, where they’re turned into sneakers.

The wounded baller in this rom-com, however, has the opportunity to return to the court; unfortunately it involves following the orders of a fanatical physical therapist.

When New York Nets player Scott McKnight (Common) is injured, he’s written off. Fortunately, his trophy wife Morgan hires Leslie Wright (Queen Latifah) to help with his recovery.

But when his return seems inaccessible, Morgan files for divorce.

Heartbroken, Scott turns to Leslie with whom he shares commonalities. But Leslie’s girth proves too much for the star player.

Adding an urban groove to the old book-judging adage, Just Wright manages to put a new spin on a tired cliché.

And while recouping from injury is a joyous occasion, having to give back your disabled parking permit is not.  0

***Just Desert***

The Thief of Bagdad

Owning desert property means you have access to the world's most coveted resource, so beware of greedy sandpaper and sandbag magnates.

Convinced by his Grand Vizier, Jaffar (Conrad Veidt), that he should live amongst the poor, King Ahmad (John Justin) is then tossed into prison on Jaffar’s behest.

Imprisoned, Ahmad meets Abu (Sabu), a young thief who helps him escape. Fleeing to Basra, Ahmad falls in love with the princess. Unfortunately, she’s been promised to Jaffar, who has cast a spell that's transformed Ahamd into a blind man and Abu into a dog.

With a flying carpet, a guileful genie and a giant spider, The Thief of Bagdad is an audacious adventure, made even more so by its flagrant use of Technicolor.

And while losing your Arabic princess to a wizard is sad, you can always toss an abaya on a complete stranger and just pretend they’re your lost love.

He’s a Magic Carpet Cleaner. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sketchy Comedy Writer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 9, 2010

Everyone’s a bad comedian. First up…

MacGruber

There are three telltale signs you’re watching a comedy based on a Saturday Night Live sketch: the title character is wearing a wig, the jokes are abysmal, and there are no Asians in the cast.

Obeying that rule of three is this offering inspired by MacGyver.

When his nemesis Von Cunth (Val Kilmer) hijacks a nuclear warhead, ex-special agent MacGruber (Will Forte) comes out of retirement with a vengeance.

Forming a team consisting of Vicki St. Elmo (Kristen Wiig) and Lt. Piper (Ryan Phillippe), MacGruber sets out to stop Von Cunth from getting the passcodes needed to launch the warhead.

While his minute-long sketches usually find MacGruber defusing a bomb, in his film debut, however, he just stars in one.

Pieced together with a pipe cleaner plot and poop jokes, MacGruber’s big mistake is that, unlike SNL, it doesn’t use a flashing laugh prompter to tell viewers something is funny. 0

Killers

A surefire way for a wife to tell if her husband is an assassin is if he fastens a silencer to his penis before sex.

Unfortunately, for the suspicious wife in this action-comedy, her contract killing consort doesn’t have a suppressor strapped to his barrel.

While on vacation with her parents, the recently dumped Jen (Katherine Heigl) meets a hit man, Spencer (Ashton Kutcher), whom she takes an instant shine to.

Three years later, Spencer has retired; the two are now married and living in the suburbs. But when Spencer refuses to take a new contract, a bounty is placed on his head.

Targeting the romantic, action and comedy genres, Killers misses its mark on all counts: the couple has no chemistry, the action is cartoonish, and the comedy is clunky.

Besides, marrying an assassin isn’t all that bad – they’re usually orphans, so you’ll never have to meet their parents.  0

Solitary Man 

The reason older men gravitate towards younger women is because, unlike older women, they cannot tell the difference between 8-carat and 24-carat.

And while the smarmy dingo in this drama isn’t buying precious gems for his Lolitas, he is sleeping with them.

When his doctor tells him that he doesn’t have long to live, Ben (Michael Douglas) begins philandering.

Divorced from his wife (Susan Sarandon), he shacks up with Jordan (Mary Louise Parker). But when he beds her daughter (Imogen Poots), he is ostracized.

Destitute, he turns to his daughter (Jenna Fischer). But when that fails, he returns to his old college, in search of his youth.

A lamentable account of a midlife Lothario learning life lessons too late, Solitary Man features a poignant plot and a first-rate performance from Douglas.

Nevertheless, older men do fulfill the needs of younger women, i.e. paternal love and the desire to change diapers.  0

***Body Shot with a Skirt Chaser*** 

The Ladies Man

To be a true womanizer you must play two separate but distinct roles. With women under 25, you must be the inconsiderate bad boy; with women over 25, you must be the sensitive nice guy with a good job.

Unfortunately, the ladies’ man in this comedy just lost his.

When the host of a sex advice radio show, Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows), is fired from the airwaves, he and his producer (Karyn Parsons) are forced to find other means of employment.

To further complicate matters, Leon’s philandering ways catch up with him when a group of husbands whose wives have been seduced by him are out for his blood.

Based on a SNL sketch, The Ladies Man is a prime example of the live variety show's ability to transform a humorous five-minute sketch into an abject 80-minute feature.

Besides, it’s unlikely that a radio-show host could ever be a sex-machine.  

He’s a Contract Lady-Killer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Neuters Lapdogs. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 2, 2010

Sniffing butts is a great icebreaker. First up.

Marmaduke

While toting a dog around inside of a purse seems incongruous, it’s actually a practical way of avoiding picking up their poop.

Unfortunately, in order to lug around the Great Dane in this comedy, you’d need a handbag the size of a duffle bag.

Moving with his master, Phil (Lee Pace), from Kansas to California, Marmaduke (Owen Wilson) embraces change.

But when he sniffs the butt of Bosco’s (Kiefer Sutherland) bitch, Jezebel (Fergie), he finds himself in a precarious position.

Luckily, Marmaduke aligns himself with Mazie (Emma Stone), who–despite her own feelings of fondness for him–helps him woe Jezebel.

Based on the long-running comic strip, this live-action adaptation is a dog pile of appalling CGI, cockamamie jokes and anemic voice work from an array of disinterested actors.

And while dogs are capable of falling in love, more often than not, that affection is directed at a human leg.  0 

Why Did I Get Married Too?

The motivation for men getting married is so that when they hit-on other women, they’ll see his ring and know that he is capable of commitment.

And while the impetuses behind the marriages in this drama are varied, the participants are having trouble remembering theirs.

When four married couples – Patricia (Janet Jackson) and Gavin (Malik Yoba), Sheila (Jill Scott) and Troy (Lamman Rucker), Angela (Tasha Smith) and Marcus (Michael Jai White) and Terry (Tyler Perry) and Diane (Sharon Leal) – reunite for their annual vacation, they spend the bulk of their time scrutinizing their problematic relationships. 

Things go awry, however, when Sheila’s ex-husband shows up looking to make amends.

The sequel to Why Did I Get Married, this conjugal continuation plods its way through its predecessor’s maudlin footsteps, dispensing off-kilter advice disguised as connubial sagacity.

Besides, if men were designed to be faithful, directly after getting married, their penis would retract.  0

Survival of the Dead

When stranded in the elements with no provisions, you have two choices in order to survive: drink your own urine or turn to cannibalism.

Unfortunately, since it’s impossible to accurately whiz into your own mouth, the survivors in this horror movie opted to eat humans.

In a zombie-infested world, two feuding families on an island quarrel over what to do with their infected inhabitants.

While O'Flynn (Kenneth Welsh) wants to kill them, Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick) wants to protect them until a cure can be found.

Banished to the mainland, O’Flynn then dupes a group of National Guardsmen into helping him overthrow Muldoon.

A sequel to The Diary of the Dead, this flesh-eating follow-up surpasses its predecessor with a more focused plot, although its production values are still bare bones.

And while an island seems like a safe citadel from zombies, as soon as they learn to jet ski you’re screwed.  0

Harry Brown

With their penchant for popping pills and aimlessly shuffling around shopping malls, young folks and senior citizens have a lot in common.

Unfortunately, both sides choose to focus on their differences rather than their similarities.

When his dear friend is brutally killed by a gang of teenage punks, ex-British Marine Harry Brown (Michael Caine) picks up the mantle of vigilante and begins cleaning up the streets of South London.

Systematically taking down purveyors of drugs, pornography and prostitution, Harry draws ever closer to the whippersnapper responsible for his friend’s demise.

Meanwhile, police detectives Frampton (Emily Mortimer) and Hicock (Charlie Creed-Miles) are also zeroing in on the suspect.

A visceral and well-acted thriller, Harry Brown is a disturbing portrayal of the pervasive problem of youth violence and the ruthless retribution it begets.

And while a war between teenagers and seniors is possible, their vastly differently sleeping schedules make it highly unlikely.  0

***Old Folks Song***

Tough Guys

The best thing about being a scrapping senior is that you don’t have to worry about getting any teeth knocked out.

And while the pensioners in this comedy don’t soak their dentures in Polident at night, they do still enjoy roughhousing.

Released back into society after serving a 30-year prison sentence, former gangsters Harry (Burt Lancaster) and Archie (Kirk Douglas) must learn to function in a world that has passed them by.

Unable to adjust, the aged ex-cons scheme to hijack a train to Mexico.

Meanwhile, a senile hit man (Eli Wallach) reinstates a 30-year-old contract on the two, with disastrous results.

Lampooning everything from retirement homes to the youthful workforce, Tough Guys is a riotous rendering of two rigid roughnecks forced to reside in a politically correct world.

And while it’s disrespectful to print jokes about seniors, so long as they’re not written in large print, they’ll never know.

He Performs Geriatricks. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Creative Juicer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of August 26, 2010

Sex is a sperm of the moment type of thing. First up…

The Back-up Plan

Since they won’t care about its existence, teen dads would be the ideal choice for females desperate to conceive.

Nevertheless, the baby crazy, single lady in this rom-com is opting for artificial insemination in lieu of classic copulation.

Independent and unattached, Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) reaches the point where she must enact plan B, if she hopes to be a mother. 

Auspiciously, she meets the perfect candidate, Stan (Alex O'Loughlin). Inauspiciously, she’s already been inseminated.

Stepping up to the challenge, Stan vows to raise the child as his own. But when he shows signs of unease, Zoe questions his commitment.

Though a paradigm of modern families, instead of birthing a comedic compendium for odd couples, The Back-up Plan’s parturition is nauseating, narcissistic and naïve: the leads are uneven and the plot is implausible.

I mean, come on, artificial insemination? What guy wants to raise a cyborg baby that’s not even his?  0

***Fertility Drug Addict***    

Junior

The real reason why men cannot get pregnant is because, if they could, virtually every child would be born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

And while the pregnant man in this comedy is not a lush, his newborn may come out of the womb with fetal steroid syndrome.

When funding is revoked on his new fertility drug, Dr. Hesse (Arnold Schwarzenegger) decides to continue his research, using himself as the guinea pig.

With physical aid from his friend Dr. Arbogast (Danny DeVito) and financial aid from Dr. Reddin (Emma Thompson), Dr. Hesse brings his baby to term, all the while suffering the emotional aches and pains that come with the gestation of a child.

Though it’s not as comical as it aspires to be, Junior is an interesting foray into the gender-bending genre, which finds a masculine archetype reduced to feminine stereotype.

Nevertheless, Schwarzenegger’s leathery nipples would be impossible to suckle.

He’s in a Breastfeeding Frenzy. He’s the…

Vidiot