He’s Destined to Grate Things. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of January 7, 2010
A New Year is a new false start. First up…
Paranormal Activity
Sleepers have always been visited by unsolicited entities during the night, be it the tooth fairy, the sandman, or the home invader who habitually murders the first person to wake-up. However, in this case, the slumbering couple depicted is being tormented by a demon.
When Katie (Katie Featherston) and Micah (Micah Sloat) purchase their first home, they detect an evil spirit. To prove this, Micha places a camcorder in their bedroom. With the presence confirmed, Micha takes it further by provoking the spirit, which garners a violent and vindictive response from it.
A low-budget allegory for a troubled relationship, Paranormal Activity deserves praise for its ingenuity, but not for its lumbering pace or shaky camera work.
Besides, the first thing that you should do if you suspect that your house is haunted is get a priest, a psychic, a demonologist, and a team of paranormal investigators, to help you move. 0
Jennifer’s Body
The best part about marrying a virgin is that right after the ceremony you can sacrifice them to your god. But be forewarned, if the victim’s virtue is impure, you could end up with a similar situation to the one featured in this teen horror movie.
When her best friend Jennifer (Megan Fox) appears on her doorstep one night drenched in blood and festooned in a devious smile, the bookish Needy (Amanda Seyfried) senses that something is wrong. Later, when local high school boys start turning up mauled to death, all signs point to Jennifer’s new persona.
Outfitted with screenwriter Diablo Cody’s lexicon of cutesy catch phrases and pop culture references, Jennifer’s Body has glimpses of a cult-hit, unfortunately they’re quickly quelled by Megan Fox’s wilted performance.
Besides, isn’t eating high school boys moving a bit fast for a teenage girl? Shouldn’t she at least practice on a banana first? 0
A Perfect Getaway
Honeymoons are a chance to reflect back on the wedding, and to lay the groundwork for the long and arduous divorce ahead. They’re also a great opportunity to meet new people, who may or may not be murderers.
While in Hawaii, honeymooners Cliff (Steve Zahn) and Cydney (Milla Jovovich) encounter two other couples – one suspicious, the other abrasive, Nick (Timothy Olyphant) and his girlfriend. While the couples are cordial at first, once news breaks that two killers are loose on the island–posing as a couple–each pair begins to suspect the other.
An ill-conceived thriller, A Perfect Getaway diverts doubt from the perpetrators by compounding the narrative with misdirection, despite the fact that the real felons are apparent early on.
Come on, it’s not that hard to tell who’s pretending to be an item; they’re the only two people with enough self-respect to not be wearing matching wind suits. 0
9
As a human, the best way to avoid detection in a world ruled by machines is to affix a note to your chest that reads, ‘Out of Order’.
Unfortunately, the strange character in this animated feature didn’t consider that when he awoke in a future ruled by robots.
Conscious, but with no recollection of his identity, 9 (Elijah Wood) fumbles into a scorched earth, where he finds lucidity through another burlap figurine, 5 (John C. Reilly).
Informed that he and the other numbers are the only survivors of a war between man and machine, 9 decides to lead a revolt against the mechanisms that will finally expose the truth behind his existence.
Superbly animated and progressive in nature, 9’s only weakness is its brooding atmosphere, which may frighten younger viewers, who may have a hard time accepting a future where Twitter no longer gives a shit about their pathetic lives. 0
The Final Destination
Racecar drivers customarily die in flaming car wrecks. Their fans, on the other hand, tend to meet their fate in less dignified manners, i.e. pants around the ankles, hoof imprint in forehead.
Luckily, the four friends in this horror movie were saved from such tragic endings; unfortunately, fate has other plans for them.
When Nick (Bobby Campo) has a premonition that the speedway grandstand will collapse, he insists that he and his friends leave. But escaping only postpones their providence, and soon Death comes for each of the survivors via a freakish accident.
The fourth installment of the franchise, The Final Destination is the worst: the deaths lack pizzazz, while the plot is crammed with so many dream sequences it’s difficult to retain any suspense.
Besides, if Death is stalking you, it’s best to hide out in a place surrounded by other high-risk candidates, such as a hospice or Afghanistan. 0
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
When the sky starts raining animal by-product, it's pretty safe to amuse that heaven is just a giant slaughterhouse.
Oops. Apparently this movie isn’t about angels with bolt pistols, but a scientist who invents a machine that coverts water into food.
Failed inventor, Flint Lockwood (Bill Hader) hits pay dirt when he constructs a food manufacturing machine, which is then shot into the sky, where it drops edible delights on the famished residences of Swallowfalls. But as the portions become bigger, the town’s safety is threatened. Now, it’s up to Flint, his talking monkey, and weathergirl Sam Sparks (Anna Faris) to stop the machine.
Based on a children’s book, CWACOM is a rollicking time for all ages: the story is zany, the characters are colourful, and the message is poignant.
And while food falling from the sky does sound distressing, just be thankful that it’s not raining partially digested food. 0
***Artichoked to Death***
Return of the Killer Tomatoes
While it only takes a celebrity drunk driver to turn a human into a vegetable, it takes a bit more to turn a vegetable into a human.
Hungry to herald in the second coming of the Great Tomato War, mad scientist Professor Gangreen (Jon Astin) commences with his plan to convert tomatoes into human beings through a process involving toxic waste and music.
Now, it is up to Chad (Anthony Starke) and his girlfriend–formerly a tomato–to put a stop to the Professor’s plan by finding the right musical tune to send his minions back to the vine.
The first sequel cultivated from the cult classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, ROTKT ups the ante with a slightly higher production value and a cameo by George Clooney.
As for defeating the killer tomatoes, simply show them this movie, and, at the end, they will toss themselves at the screen.
He's an Occult Classic. He's the...
Vidiot
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