Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Doesn’t Wordplay Well With Others. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 28, 2010

We don’t speak the same slanguage. First up…

Surrogates

Nowadays, renting your womb out to barren couples is a great way to raise some extra capital. What’s more, afterwards, your stretched out vagina makes the perfect pouch for holding your wallet or sunglasses.

And while the surrogates in this sci-fi film weren’t built to help retain vaginal elasticity, they have made the world’s populace extremely lax.

In the future, where people live vicariously through designer robots, Detective Greer (Bruce Willis) must do the unthinkable and step into the real world without the aid of his proxy, and solve a murder-mystery involving the inventor of the surrogate technology.

Based on a graphic novel, Surrogates does pose some interesting quandaries regarding mankind’s self-imposed exile from reality; unfortunately, the concept is not fully explored. Instead, action and a threadbare conspiracy take centre stage.

As for a world colonized by robots – it sure makes hitting pedestrians with your car a lot less stressful.  0

Whip It 

While females are the more passive of the species, there are times, however, when women release their aggression, especially when it involves a cheating lover or a BOGO shoe sale.

Sticking with the theme of violent women, unfaithful partners and footwear, here’s an estrogen laced coming-of-age tale set against the backdrop of Texas Roller Derby.

When social outcast Bliss (Ellen Page) is introduced to the rock’em sock’em world of the female-dominated contact sport, she instantly falls in love with it. But with an age restriction of 21, the 17-year-old must lie to the league and to her strict mother (Marcia Gay Harden) in order to fulfill her dream.

Though it’s prone to over-romanticizing rebellion and teenage angst, Whip It is an exemplary effort for first-time director––and former troubled child star––Drew Barrymore, whose newfound skill behind the camera is certain to serve as an inspiration to alcoholic 9-year-olds everywhere.  0

Saw VI

I thought I Saw 6 the other day, but, as it turned out, it was only 9 doing a handstand.

Oops, apparently this isn’t a movie about identifying integers, but the sixth installment of the torture-horror series Saw.

When the wife of notorious serial killer Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) receives a box from her deceased husband, she opens it to find that it contains his last wishes.

Meanwhile, Jigsaw’s replacement, Detective Hoffman, continues constructing elaborate traps and kidnapping amoral players to participant in said deadly devices.

Revealing many of the secrets that fans have been waiting for since the initial installment back in 2004, Saw VI is a rewarding venture for those who have stuck around, though an utter mess to those who haven’t.

As for being the judge, jury and executioner of sinners, isn’t that job best left to masked vigilantes, angry mobs and the Texas Department of Criminal Justice?  0

This Is It

When a singer announces their final concert tour, it usually means that they’ve accepted the inevitability of choking to death on their own vomit.

Unfortunately, in the case of Michael Jackson, he never got the opportunity to die from pulmonary aspiration of vomit, because his medical handlers had already mummified his body with excessive prescription drugs.

Released shortly after his passing, this musical documentary details the preliminary stage of the King of Pop’s swan song tour. Using footage from rehearsals, This Is It shows fans what they could’ve expected to see during the tour, including newly filmed 3-D segments for Thriller.

Though it doesn’t elaborate on Jackson’s death or discuss any of his past transgressions, This Is It does establish once and for all MJ’s dominance in the realm song and dance.

However, Michael Jackson’s This Is It should not be confused with Tito Jackson’s latest album This Is Shit.  0

***Greece Enlightening***

Xanadu

For an artist, inspiration can come from anywhere: a starry night, a vase of sunflowers, or a national flag just begging to be defecated on.  

In the case of struggling painter Sonny (Michael Beck), however, creative stimulus comes in the form of a fair-haired songstress with a penchant for roller-skating.

When the Greek muses are released on Earth, the muse of dance, Kira (Olivia Newton-John), is drawn to the uninspired Sonny. To assist with his dreams, she introduces him to Danny (Gene Kelly), a musical conductor she inspired 40 years ago. Together the two men hammer out a plan to build a massive roller disco.

With a manifold of marvelous melodies performed by ELO and Newton-John, Xanadu is part musical, part cartoon, and part cheese-fest.

What’s more, if muses are giving out lame advice like constructing a roller rink, then artists are better off sticking with their original inspiration: money.

His Artistic License Has Been Revoked. He’s the…

Vidiot