He’s a Vampyrotechnician. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of Smarch 18, 2010
If there are no fireworks in your relationship, try sparklers. First up...
The Twilight Saga: New Moon
The best part about dating a vampire is that you can totally cheat on them during the day, and they’ll never know. And while the despondent teen in this rom-horror does attempt a similar impropriety on her undead boyfriend, she mistakenly does so with a werewolf.
When his clan is forced to relocate to avoid human detection, brooding vampire Edward (Robert Patterson) must go along. Distraught over losing her immortal boo, Bella (Kristen Stewart) lashes out in destructive behaviour, which lands her in the waiting arms of teen-wolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner).
With a higher production value than its predecessor, this second installment of the Twilight series is more involving: it creates a volatile love triangle and reveals more about the vampire/wolf-pack pact. Unfortunately, it’s sopping in teen melodrama.
As for simultaneously dating creatures of the night, just be sure to use protection, i.e. a silver-plated diaphragm or garlic flavoured condoms. 0
Did You Hear About the Morgans?
The first thing that you should do after witnessing a murder is contact your plastic surgeon, so that they can alter your face, bleach your skin and surgically elongate your legs. Unfortunately, the separated couple in this rom-com decided to go to the authorities instead.
While on a reconciliation date, Paul and Meryl Morgan (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) bare witness to a homicide. Forced into witness-protection, they must flee NYC and hideout in Wyoming. Under the protection of local law enforcement (Sam Elliott and Mary Steenburgen), the Morgans must adapt to rural life, which, in turn, helps rekindle their relationship.
More a fish-out-of-water tale than a murder mystery, the killer chasing the Morgans is merely there to move along the romantic plotline, which is predictable and pedestrian.
Besides, when hiding out from a murderer, it is best to do so in plain sight...while wearing a fatsuit. 0
The Princess and the Frog
The age-old hook-up between princesses and frogs is a likely explanation as to why most members of the royal family are born with tails. Oops. Apparently the growth of a wagging appendage is not the result of intermingling between species, but between family members.
With aspirations of opening her own restaurant in New Orleans, Tiana (Anika Noni Rose) must put those fantasies on-hold when she and a spoiled prince (Bruno Campos) are transformed into amphibians at the hand of a Voodoo practitioner. Now the pair must find a real princess for the prince to kiss before both are confined to their cold-blooded forms forever.
Overflowing with zany anthropomorphic characters and lively song and dance numbers, The Princess and the Frog is a return to classic Disney 2-D animation. As for dating a frog prince: if he ever dumps you, dissect him in biology and get herself an A+. 0
Ninja Assassin
Ninjas have it made. They’re super stealth. They get to kill people with sick-looking weapons. And they do it all while still wearing their pajamas.
Unfortunately, however, the shadowed shinobi in this action flick is unable to appreciate the hand claws, foot spikes or casual finery of ninjutsu. Instead, he is concerned only with revenge.
When his former-ninja clan begins assassinating politicians, Raizo (Rain) takes the opportunity to extract vengeance on the clans’ leader, his former teacher. However, the bizarre murders cause Europol agent Mika (Naomie Harris) to investigate, which, in turn, lands her in the arms of Raizo, who is now being hunted by his former associates.
Swashed in blood, decorated in decapitations and ripe with archetypal Asian action movie themes, Ninja Assassin is good action. Unfortunately, its embarrassing dialogue, delivered via rank amateurs, makes it a worthy candidate for Seppuku.
Besides, haven’t ninjas heard that druids are the new them? 0
Astro Boy
One of the few advantages of having a robot child, as opposed to a human one, is that it can process the concept of divorce faster and with less emotional scarring.
Fortunately, the little boy in this computer-animated adventure doesn’t have to worry about parental separation, because he's dead.
When his son Toby (Freddy Highmore) is accidentally killed by a military robot powered by malevolent red energy, Dr. Tenma (Nicholas Cage) re-creates him in a robot form, powered by benevolent blue energy.
But when the military becomes interested in his circuitry, Toby must hideout in the old city, where robots participant in gladiatorial games.
Based on the Japanese anime, Astro Boy falls far short of its Asian influence: the character designs are flawed, the voice acting is patchy and the story is unexciting.
What’s more, uptight North American moviemakers didn’t even bother selling Astro Boy’s used underwear in vending machines. 0
Bandslam
Starting a high school rock band, nowadays, is as easy as plugging plastic instruments into a video game console and following the progression of blinking lights.
And while most teens are comfortable pantomiming their prowess in a virtual world, others, like the ones in this movie, are intent on rockin’ out old school.
Upon moving to a new town, music aficionado Will (Gaelan Connell) meets jaded Sa5m (Vanessa Hudgens), who informs him of their school’s bandslam competition. Known for his music savvy, Will is approached by Charlotte (Alyson Michalka), a popular student who hopes to tap his astuteness for her bandslam entry.
A tongue-in-cheek critique of the state of music, as well as the close-minded cliques that preserve it, Bandslam is a refreshing surprise filled with sardonic jabs and stirring family secrets.
As for my high school band – we called it quits after someone stole all of our air guitars. 0
The Fourth Kind
If alien life forms are really that interested in knowing more intimate details about the human species, they should just follow our Twitter feeds. Unfortunately, it appears as though the aliens in this thriller aren’t as engrossed in cyber-voyeurism as we are.
When her husband mysteriously dies, psychologist Dr. Abbey Tyler (Milla Jovovich) travels to Alaska to continue his research, which involves interviewing people who’ve been traumatized by alien entities. Using hypnosis, Dr. Tyler delves into her patients’ unconscious minds, which ultimately causes them to commit suicide.
Inter-spliced with fake footage of Dr. Tyler’s sessions, The Fourth Kind then inserts the phony footage into a split-screen to contrast the Hollywood reenactment, creating a confusing cinematic experience and wielding negative results.
Besides, if aliens want to snatch people during the night, so be it, so long as they return them in the morning with their DNA unscrambled and their anuses airtight. 0
Armored
The best part about driving an armored vehicle is that if any bums approach you at a red light asking for money, you can shoot them in the face.
And while the armoured guards in this thriller aren’t using their protective power to purge the drifter population, they are using their position to fleece their employer.
When newcomer Ty (Columbus Short) lands a job with an armored trunk company, he feels like he has found his lot in life. Unfortunately, however, when he discovers that his co-workers (Matt Dillon, Jean Reno and Laurence Fishburne) are plotting to take the $42 M shipment for themselves, Ty must fortify himself – and the funds – inside the armored truck.
A tedious caper with a plodding plot and phoned-in performances, Armored is an utterly forgettable film.
Besides, if you really want to jack millions, it’s a lot simpler to just disguise yourself as an ATM. 0
***Turtle Neckbreaker***
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Usually when you mix ninjutsu, reptiles, teenagers and mutagen in a vat, you get a bunch of cold-blooded losers who sleep ‘til noon and habitually hit themselves in the groin with nunchucks. However, in this case, you get the complete opposite.
When a vile of ooze leaks into the NYC sewer system, four turtles are mutated into humanoid-looking creatures. Under the tutelage of former ninja turned rat, Splinter, the turtles – now named after renaissance artists – are trained in martial arts.
But when Splinter is rat-napped by his former adversary, Shredder, the boys must put down their pizza and save the day.
Based on the popular comic book/cartoon, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a live-action-packed adventure featuring mainstays from the cartoon, like April O’Neil, and beloved catchphrases, like “Cowabunga, dude!”
As for going through Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle puberty, I hear that you start developing cartilaginous shell where there wasn’t any before.
He's a Highly Trained Impartial Artist. He's the...
Vidiot
No comments:
Post a Comment