He’s an Embarking Dog. He’s the…
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Week of July 29, 2010
Fire hydrants are on the lifted leg of this journey. First up…
Clash of the Titans
Thanks to the renewed interest in mythology, those of us who’ve remained loyal to the Greek gods won’t look so crazy now sacrificing live oxen on our front lawns.
And while a blood offering is not a prerequisite to perusing this perilous parable, it does pertain to one.
Showing resentment towards the gods, the City of Argos attracts the ire of Zeus (Liam Neeson), Poseidon (Danny Huston) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes).
To teach the mortals a lesson, Hades informs the King of Argos that his daughter Andromeda will be sacrificed to the Kraken in 10 days.
Desperate to save her, the King recruits an imprisoned demigod Perseus (Sam Worthington) to seek the counsel of the Stygian Witches.
Informed by the hags that the only way to kill the Kraken is with the head of the Gorgon, the unproven protagonist must put his wits to the test.
A remake of the 1981 classic, this unwarranted overhaul fails to live up to its predecessor thanks to an wooden lead, clumsy creature designs and a schizophrenic script that’s either too graphic or too goofy.
Furthermore, with Zeus’ history of seducing unsuspecting women, female viewers should probably take a pregnancy test after watching this. 0
According to the media, repossession is at an all-time high. So, if you’ve been exorcised, make sure you have plenty of holy water and priest collars on hand.
Whoops! Apparently the repossessions in this sci-fi thriller pertain to human organs and not human bodies, mansions or antique dolls.
In 2025, humanity has a new lease on life thanks to artificial organs. Loaning theses devices out is a company called The Union, which also relies on ruthless repo-men to retrieve organs that owners have defaulted payment on.
One such repo-man is Remy (Jude Law), an aspiring author who has grown tired of his job. But before he can resign an accident occurs and he finds himself indebted to The Union for a new heart.
Unable to make the payments, Remy decides to run. While on the lam, he falls for a woman who’s also being sought for her abundance of overdue organs.
While the concept is fascinating, Repo Men itself needs dialysis: the script is muddled, the acting is tacky and the ending is trite.
What’s more, all this hubbub over missing organs makes me think that The Union may, in fact, have a subsidiary company that manufactures hot dog wieners. 0
Batman: Under the Red Hood
Well, well, well, looks as though the current recession has even affected Gotham City’s billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. Batman, who–assuming from the title–is now a mechanic.
Wait a minute, that colon in the heading implies a separation between title and subtitle, which, thankfully, means that the bulk of this animated action/adventure doesn’t take place in an oil change pit, but in Ra's al Ghul’s (Jason Isaacs) Lazarus Pit.
Batman’s (Bruce Greenwood) haunted by the past when an old villain, The Red Hood (Jensen Ackles), returns to Gotham City with someone new under the mask–someone from his surrogate family.
Targeting lowly drug dealers at first, the unsympathetic Hood moves on to The Joker, which rouses Batman’s suspicion.
With help from the first Robin now Nightwing (Neil Patrick Harris), The Dark Knight draws closer to deducing the Hood’s identity.
Written by Judd Winick–based on his Batman: Under the Hood series–Batman: Under The Red Hood continues the fine tradition of mature storytelling, superb animation and proficient voice work that’s become synonymous with DC Universe Animated Original Movies.
Unfortunately, in reality, the only masks that socialites wear are the carnival type. And only when they're attending masquerade orgies. 0
***One-Tit Wonder***
Wonder Woman
The reason that clothing companies don’t design Amazonian-inspired swimwear is because there’s just no market for a 1 and 1/2 piece bathing suit.
Case in point, Amazonian Princess Diana, a.k.a. Wonder Woman, who went against her tribe’s customary mastectomy to better fill out her bikini.
Entrusted by Zeus to imprison Ares (Alfred Molina) on the island of Themyscira, the Amazons do an admirable job until a lost jet pilot (Nathan Fillion) stumbles upon the island and inadvertently releases the God of War.
Now he and Wonder Woman (Keri Russell) must abate Ares before he can exact his revenge.
One of the most overlook DC Animated Original Movies, Wonder Woman is a brutal clash of the titans: from the shrewdly cast voice actors to the beautifully rendered bare-knuckled brawls.
As for those misogynists who think women don’t have any super-powers: What do you call pushing a human through your vagina?
He’s Good with Kidnapers. He’s the…
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