He’s a Brainstorm Chaser. He’s the…
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Week of May 13, 2010
Tornadoes are God vacuuming. First up…
Legion
Historically, angels have served on earth in either a guardian, a psychotropic spirit guide, or in a Christmas Tree Ornament type of role. But in this Cherub-charged action flick, the seraph servants of God are playing a more nefarious role…our executioners.
Hell-bent on saving humanity from a god who has lost faith in them, angel Michael (Paul Bettany) goes rogue. Falling to earth, he loads up on artillery and heads to the desert to protect the unborn child of a waitress (Adrianne Palicki). Arriving, he finds her and others (Tyrese Gibson, Kate Walsh, Dennis Quaid) defending a diner from an angelic onslaught.
While Legion’s last-stand scenario isn’t damnable, its lack of realization is. Using an archetypal list of characters, and loose interpretations of the bible, it creates a conflicted narrative that fails to engage.
Conversely, after a battle between heaven and earth, it’s all-you-can-eat angel wing night at the pub. 0
Daybreakers
No matter how you slice it, the sun has monstrous affects on humans. Too little can make you look like a vampire. Too much can make you look like a Leatherface. Which is why the compassionate bloodsucker in this futuristic fang film should precede with caution.
In a world populated by vampires, human blood supplies are quickly dwindling. Forced to find an alternative food source, hematologist Edward (Ethan Hawke) makes many attempts, all with adverse results. But when he meets Elvis (Willem Dafoe), a former-vampire turned human, he becomes privy to a cure for vampirism; unfortunately his efforts are dissuaded by the head-vampire (Sam Neil).
Exploring uncharted vampire territory, Daybreakers is an innovative concept that has enough action and one-liners to mollify the multitudes, even though its “miracle cure” is somewhat farfetched.
As for curing a real addiction to human blood, please contact the producers of the television show A&E's Vampire Intervention. 0
Edge of Darkness
Establishing a shack on the edge of darkness that sells flashlights, lanterns, and other illuminating gadgets would certainly be a gold mine. Unfortunately, the grieving father crossing into despair in this thriller has enough white-hot anger to light his own way.
Following the murder of his daughter, Boston detective Craven (Mel Gibson) blames himself for her death. However, with no past collars coming forward, he begins to suspect that his daughter was the actual target, causing him to investigate the company she was interning for. Uncovering a massive government conspiracy, Craven is also targeted by the company as a threat.
An ominous expedition into government collusion, Edge of Darkness is an ardent attempt at an old-fashioned revenge film that ultimately succeeds in its endeavor, despite a few missteps.
As for getting revenge on a corrupt company, a more civilized approach would be to poop in their ventilation system. 0
***Light Sensitive Material***
Vampires
With their penchant for sucking on youthful victims, it’s no wonder vampires and Catholic priests are often confused. Surprisingly, they are not the same. In fact, in this horror movie, the Vatican is attempting to annihilate all bloodsuckers before they can evolve into day-walkers.
Aware of their existence, as well as their bid for the ability to function during daylight hours, the Roman Catholic Church hires vampire-hunter Jack Crow (James Woods) to head up a squad of mercenaries to stop head vampire, Valek, from obtaining a crucifix that will grant vampires unimaginable power.
An amalgamation of religious doctrine, the occult, and high-tech weaponry, Vampires is a ballsy interpretation of a customarily romantic genre: the vamps are malicious and their hunters unflappable and persistent.
As for those who feel that hunting vampires is cruel, so long as you make good use of their black satin cloak and widow’s peak, it’s quite humane.
He’s an Urbane Legend. He’s the…
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