Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Insurgent Protector. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 27, 2010

Get ready for a shock and awesome campaign. First up…

Dear John

Oh, great! A movie about a prostitute making amends for her misdeeds by writing personal letters to each of her past clients. Oops, this movie isn't about a penitent whore; it’s about a useless war.

While on vacation, Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) meets John (Channing Tatum), a soldier on leave. Forming an instant rapport, he allows her into his life, which includes his autistic father (Richard Jenkins).

Later – when school and the War in Iraq separates them – they stay in contact via letters. But when Savannah sends word that she’s engaged to another, John’s correspondence abruptly ends. Years later, her reasons are explained.

Though it contains the same hallmarks as every other adaptation of a Nicholson Sparks novel, i.e. love, death, Dear John’s love story is more paternal than heterosexual and its various deaths are entirely unexpected.  

And while love letters certainly do convey emotions, they, unfortunately, don’t offer as many boners as, say, sexting. 0 

The Road

When undertaking road travel in a post-apocalyptic world, you must be prepared for anything. From mutant drivers on their cell phones, to roadside stands that only sell mutant fruit, like Nectarcots, Grapples and Seedless Watermelons. 

Unfortunately, the trekkers in this survivors’ tale have something a lot worse than mutants to contend with – desperate humans.

After a catastrophe ravages earth, a father (Viggo Mortensen) and son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) are left to fend for themselves on a stretch of infrastructure populated by thieves, murderers and cannibals. Determined to keep hope alive, the father instills optimism in his son along the way. 

Based on a Cormac McCarthy novel, The Road is a haunting study of a lawless wasteland that boasts a fine performance from Mortensen, who's under exceptional direction here.

However, the best part of traveling a scorched earth with your son is that you can finally prove that damn Harry Chapin song wrong.  0

***Catastrophe in the Cradle***

A Boy and His Dog

In a post-apocalyptic world it’s best to have a companion with you. Not only for conversation but also for a snack if you get hungry. Unfortunately, the young wanderer walking this scorched earth is unable to even fathom eating his colleague...because they can read his thoughts.

In 2024, 18-year-old Vic (Don Johnson) and his telepathic dog forage the wasteland for food and women. But when they cross paths with a guileful young girl, she lures Vic into an underground society run by her father (Jason Robards), who requires Vic’s seed to repopulate the subterranean population.

Based on a short story by Harlan Ellison, A Boy and His Dog is one of the most bizarre and misogynistic apocalyptic movies out there.   

However, evolutionarily speaking, wouldn’t it be better to use the dog’s semen? That way the future will be populated by telepathic dog-men who can survive on eating their own vomit.

He’s the Horsefeathers of the Apocalypse. He’s the… 

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