Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Account Dracula. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 4, 2010

It’s the Night of the Living Debt. First up…

Zombieland

Come to think of it, a world populated by zombies would certainly alleviate the troubled job market since everyone would be employed as main courses. However, even in a zombie-economy there are still shiftless losers unwilling to work.

In a world teeming with undead, college student Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) is kept alive thanks to his ridged list of rules. Later, he is joined by another survivor, Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), followed by a pair of sisters (Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin), who are on their way to a “zombie-free” amusement park.

Fighting their way across country, the foursome forms a makeshift family, which, in turn, reinstates their humanity.

A delicious send-up of the genre, Zombieland is a tongue-in-cheek take on life after humans, complimented by quirky survival tips and festering star cameos.

As for surviving a world plagued by flesh-eaters, simply cover yourself in soybean curd and pretend that you’re tofu.  0

Amelia

If women were meant to fly airplanes, then the flight deck would be called a vaginapit and not a cockpit. That’s not to say females haven’t made a valiant effort to take-off. Case in point, Amelia Earhart.

Fascinated with flight since she was a girl, Amelia (Hilary Swank) dedicates her life to aviation, becoming the first woman to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

Soaring to new heights, thanks to her publicist/husband George (Richard Gere), Amelia further solidifies her celebrity reputation by becoming the first woman to fly solo across the Atlantic. But her luck runs out when she attempts to circumnavigate the globe.

While Swank’s performance and appearance are bang-on, Amelia isn’t all that interesting. In fact, disappearing over the Pacific Ocean is probably the best thing she could have done.

As for those people who are interested in both male and female pilots, maybe you should check out a biplane.  0

Love Happens

Nowadays, love only happens when people go online, appear on a reality show, or look in a mirror.

And while those methods can wield positive results, finding a compatible partner is best left to the cosmos, or a love-sniffing dog.

Unfortunately, recently widowed, self-help guru Burke (Aaron Eckhart) eschewed all recommended action and, instead, took love into his own hands.

While on the lecture circuit, Burke becomes smitten with a florist, Eloise (Jennifer Aniston). Though she spurns his advances at first, Burke’s persistence pays off. But his inability to accept his wife’s death makes it impossible for him to commit.

Chalked full of maudlin moments involving personal loss, Love Happens is made shoddier by Aniston’s inability to play anyone besides Jennifer Aniston.

Besides, asking out a stranger is so archaic. Instead, compile a list of attributes you’re looking for in a mate, and reject anyone who doesn’t fit those criteria.  0

***Love Bites***

Cemetery Man

The line between love and death can be misleading, especially since most of the singles on zombieHarmony.com lie about their annual income. Which is why you should go straight to the source…the cemetery.

The caretaker of an Italian cemetery, where the dead resurface 7-days after being buried to feast on human flesh, Francesco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett) and his assistant must keep the corpses from escaping to a nearby town.

Dellamorte’s job gets even stranger when he falls in love with a widower, whom he must later slay. Haunted nightly by her rotting corpse, Dellamorte slips into a depression. What’s more, the Grim Reaper wants him to be its new sidekick.

Based on the Italian comic book, Dylan Dog, Cemetery Man is a violent and sexy zombie love story with a surrealistic twist.

But be forewarned: if you ever do give your heart to a zombie, they may just eat it.

He's a Badly Animated Corpse. He's the...

Vidiot