He’s Biodegrading to Women. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of April 22, 2010
I like to watch Mother Earth change her climate. First up…
Avatar
Throughout history, explorers colonizing foreign shores usually brought items of interest with them to trade with the indigenous people – be it guns for tobacco, alcohol for pelts or Christianity for personal freedom. However, the only thing that the subjugated populace in this sci-fi film received upon the arrival of their oppressors was annihilation.
When paraplegic marine Jake (Sam Worthington) substitutes for his twin brother on a mission to the planet Pandora, his legs are restored when his mind's transferred into an avatar of a Na'vi – a blue-skinned native.
Ordered to infiltrate the hostiles’ camp and relay information concerning a massive mineral deposit, things go awry when Jake falls for the tribe leader’s daughter Neytiri (Zoe Saldana), as well as her primitive lifestyle. Torn between military obligations and personal ethics, Jake must pick a side in the war between the persecutors and the persecuted.
Conceived by James Cameron, Avatar is a mind-blowing experience. And while the story of “going native” is old hat, the eco-friendly premise and the CGI used to bring the jungle surroundings to life are unparalleled.
But in the end, who’s to say if the Na'vi wouldn’t benefit under imperialism? – I mean, have they ever even heard of American Apparel? 0
The Lovely Bones
The best way for someone to show off the loveliness of his or her bone structure is to become an anorexic. Fortunately, this mystery-drama is not about anything that disturbing – it’s about murdering children.
When 14-year-old Susie (Saoirse Ronan) is killed by her neighbour (Stanley Tucci), she finds herself in heaven, where she watches over her parents (Mark Wahlberg, Rachel Weisz), whose marriage has began to disintegrate, and her murderer, who is now targeting her older sister.
Directed by Peter Jackson, The Lovely Bones is an apt adaptation of a complex novel. Frequently shifting from Susie’s ethereal empyrean to the tangible world, The Lovely Bones does manage to expertly establish both atmospheres; however, at times, the CGI overwhelms the emotional narrative.
What’s more, when you’re dead, why would you waste your time watching your family self-destruct when there are so many ghost-hunting TV shows you could be starring on? 0
Crazy Heart
When a heart goes crazy, things can get a bit strange. For instance, it could only pump blood to your buttocks, or make you fall madly in love with an electric fence. And while the crazy heart in this drama doesn’t cause its owner to become an objectum sexual, it does cause him to lead an unsavory lifestyle.
When a down-and-out, alcoholic country singer, Bad Blake (Jeff Bridges), is interviewed by a journalist (Maggie Gyllenhaal) about his once illustrious singing career, he finds himself falling in love with her. However, when his hard-drinking lifestyle becomes hazardous to her and her young son, Bad Blake must reassess his priorities.
Turning in one of the best performances of his career, Jeff Bridges brings the volatile vocalist and his music to vivid vivacity. Unfortunately, when you remove alcohol from the veins of a country singer, all you’re left with is an inbred racist. 0
The Young Victoria
When your queen is only 18-years-old your country can expect a number of unusual decrees, such as all steeds must be outfitted in Jimmy Choo horseshoes, and all skanks and haters must be imprisoned in the Tower of London.
However, the youthful empress in this drama has more important matters to attend to as she ascends to the throne of England – specifically her mother.
Following the death of her uncle King William (Jim Broadbent), Victoria must contend with her imperious mother (Miranda Richardson), who hopes to usurp her authority. Meanwhile, her cousin Albert (Rupert Friend) vies for her affection.
Inspired by a true story, The Young Victoria is a finely acted film that stretches the truth in order to make a rather drab affair seem more gripping, with mediocre results.
Nevertheless, being ruled by a teenager would be pretty sweet considering that their answer to every quandary would be “whatevs”. 0
***White Men Can't Hunt***
Dances with Wolves
White people usually pretend to be Native American so that they can benefit from all the governmnet handouts, like tax-free cigarettes and all the complimentary spit from white oppressors they can handle. However, the white man pretending to be Native in this drama is doing so because he loves their lifestyle.
Stationed in the Dakota Territory, Union soldier John Dunbar (Kevin Costner) begins interacting with a local Sioux tribe. After a few encounters, he is accepted by them, and forges a relationship with the other Caucasian in the clan (Mary McDonnell). But when Union troops come a-calling, Dunbar must choose between his military duty and his newfound family.
Directed by Kevin Costner, Dances with Wolves is an unflinching depiction of the imperialistic might that ravaged a peace people for the sake of progress and amusement.
Thankfully, American soldiers no longer persecute Native Americans; they’re too busy oppressing the Middle East.
He's a Despot Remover. He's the...
Vidiot
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