Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bad Idealist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 20, 2010

I’d rather be young at crotch than at heart. First up…

Valentine’s Day

Like menstrual cycles and the Winter Olympics, Valentine’s Day only affects half of the world’s population. Fortunately, the ugly, the smelly and really nice guys aren’t in this movie's demographic.   

Set on February 14, Valentine’s Day follows a number of LA-area couples – Julia (Jennifer Garner), Dr. Harrison (Patrick Dempsey); Kara (Jessica Biel), Kelvin (Jamie Foxx); Reed (Ashton Kutcher), Morley (Jessica Alba); Liz (Anne Hathaway) Jason (Topher Grace); Kate (Julia Roberts), Holden (Bradley Cooper); and Edgar (Hector Elizondo), Estelle (Shirley MacLaine) – as they cope with their relationship woes.

An overabundant anthology, Valentine’s Day is spread waffer thin, donating equal time to lesser vignettes (Taylor Lautner, Taylor Swift) that distract from the few intriguing ones (Eric Dane, Queen Latifah). But even the more significant yarns aren’t enough to save this schmaltzy salute to L-O-V-E.

Furthermore, if you really want to see the ultimate homage to amour that involves numerous couples...throw an orgy.  0

Invictus

If Rugby Union executives wish to make their sport as popular in America as it is in other countries, they should consider adding alleged rapists to their teams. And while this drama doesn’t attempt to expound rugby’s limited appeal, it is an allegory for the unification of South Africa.

Elected president shortly after his release from prison, Nelson Mandela (Morgan Freeman) faces a splintered nation still reeling from apartheid. To alleviate tensions between whites and non-whites, he enlists the local rugby team – in particular its captain (Matt Damon) – to help unify citizens through athletics.

Directed by Clint Eastwood, Invictus is a superbly acted film that bespeaks of South Africa’s segregated past, but never overtly. Instead, it focuses on the positive aspects of the country’s 1995 Rugby World Cup run.

Nevertheless, while it works for this overlooked sport, the combined forces of Damon, Freeman and Eastwood could never make Cricket seem cool.  0

The Spy Next Door

What’s so shocking about a neighbour with that profession? You leave your blinds open long enough and everyone next door becomes a spy. Fortunately, for the minors in this family-action-comedy their neighbour isn’t peeping on them, he’s putting the moves on their mom.

After apprehending his archenemy, CIA agent Ho (Jackie Chan) calls it quits. But his retirement is short-lived when he is left in charge of his neighbour/girlfriend’s three youngsters, who don’t particularly like him. Things get even hairier when his nemesis escapes and comes looking for him.

Simply a family vehicle for Jackie Chan – who performs his stunts admirably – The Spy Next Door is utter dreck: the narrative is familiar, the child actors are abnormal looking and Billy Ray Cyrus’ turn as CIA tech-operative Colton James may cause Crohn's disease.

As for dating a spy, just make sure to swallow all your top-secret microfilm before they come over.  0

Extraordinary Measures

Finding a cure for a disease is like trying to find a needle in a chronically ill haystack that only has 6 months to a year to live. Fortunately, the valetudinarians in this medical drama have a much greater life expectancy...around 10 years.

The father of two children with Pompe, a disease that affects a child's nervous system, John Crowley (Brendan Fraser) seeks out the leading mind in Pompe research in hopes of finding a cure. Enter Dr. Stonehill (Harrison Ford), an obstinate scientist whose radical ideas don’t fly at his university, so he and Crowley establish their own company in order to expedite the development process.

Based on a true story, Extraordinary Measures is certainly touching, inspiring and educational, but its ambitions never rise above movie of the week.

Say, now that this disease is treatable, has anybody called dibs on the survivors’ unused medical marijuana prescriptions?  0

***Spears Looking At You***

Zulu

While it appears as though the only thing Caucasians ever want from South Africa is diamonds, “slave labour” and Bono/Sting benefit concerts, surprisingly, at one time, they also wanted to control it.

In 1879, during the British colonization of South Africa, the 24th Regiment of Foot, stationed at Rorke’s Drift, receives word of an encroaching Zulu war party – heavily armed and over 3,000 strong. Unable to flee the barracks before the attack, Lt. Chard (Stanley Baker), Lt. Bromhead (Michael Caine), and their 136 British troops decide to defend the outpost from the rebels.

Though it’s hard not to side with the Zulu Kingdom in this act of disobedience, for the sake of a good story, it’s impossible to not be impressed by British stiff upper lip, which garnered the garrison 11 Victoria Crosses.

However, if the Zulu’s had just constructed giant toothbrushes out of their spears, they could have sent those Brits packing.

He has Charitable Bowel Syndrome. He’s the…

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