Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Personal Shoplifter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 23, 2010

Crime is a non-discriminating boss. First up…

Robin Hood

Nowadays, it’s easy to identify the toxophilite who robbed you – they’re the person with the compound bow concealed in their pants.

Unfortunately, folks in the 12th century didn’t have it as easy when it came to fingering their bowman. 

With the death of Richard the Lionheart, an archer, Robin (Russell Crowe), and his cohorts, Will Scarlett (Scott Grimes), Little John (Kevin Durand) and Alan A'Dale (Alan Doyle), return home, under assumed names.

Back in England, Robin’s new moniker finds him impersonating the husband of Lady Marian (Cate Blanchett) whilst defending her lands from the contemptible Prince John (Oscar Isaac).

Replacing the merriment of the Robin Hood myth with menacing verisimilitude, director Ridley Scott devices an excruciatingly boring origin story that is wholly forgettable.

What’s more, if you’re going to commit 12th century identity fraud, you should at least impersonate someone of great prominence, like Pope Innocent III or Genghis Khan.  0

Stomp the Yard 2: Homecoming

All ethnicities enjoy dance in their own way. Latin Americans like to tango, Indians like to Bhangra, while Caucasians like to watch dance themed television shows.

As for African Americans, according to this sequel, they like to dance in-between their university classes.

When new Theta Nus pledge Chance (Collins Pennie) is pegged as the top stepper in his fraternity’s crew, the pressure is on him to win the upcoming national step-off competition.

Making matters worse is the fact that his father (Keith David) and the leader of a rival dance crew (Twitch) are both hoping that Chance chokes.

A left footed attempt at establishing a dance franchise, Stomp the Yard 2: Homecoming lacks the script, the stars, and the choreography needed to exceed the original Stomp the Yard.

Besides, due to the increase in campus violence, it’s hard to tell if students in the quad are dancing or dodging bullets.  0

***Pluck Yew***

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

No self-respecting archer would ever be caught wearing tights, unless they were outfitted with a codpiece.

Regrettably, this spoof doesn’t indicate whether the nylons in the title include a groin-emphasizing pouch or not.

Upon escaping from prison, Robin (Cary Elwes) returns to England, where he finds that the tyrant Prince John (Richard Lewis) has seized control of his family estate.

To reclaim his lands, Robin recruits a gang of outcasts (Eric Allan Kramer, Matthew Porretta, and Dave Chappelle), and formulates a plan to overthrow the would-be King of England.

Though the majority of jokes in this Mel Brooks comedy are aimed at the Kevin Costner and Errol Flynn interpretations, Men in Tights is still an accessible lampoon of the beloved legend.

And while it’s wrong to steal money, it is reasonable to relieve the wealthy of items the poor cannot use, like pool skimmers, cognac glasses, or a Chanel Boomerang.

He Turns Off Socialites. He's the...

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