Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Neuters Lapdogs. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of September 2, 2010

Sniffing butts is a great icebreaker. First up.

Marmaduke

While toting a dog around inside of a purse seems incongruous, it’s actually a practical way of avoiding picking up their poop.

Unfortunately, in order to lug around the Great Dane in this comedy, you’d need a handbag the size of a duffle bag.

Moving with his master, Phil (Lee Pace), from Kansas to California, Marmaduke (Owen Wilson) embraces change.

But when he sniffs the butt of Bosco’s (Kiefer Sutherland) bitch, Jezebel (Fergie), he finds himself in a precarious position.

Luckily, Marmaduke aligns himself with Mazie (Emma Stone), who–despite her own feelings of fondness for him–helps him woe Jezebel.

Based on the long-running comic strip, this live-action adaptation is a dog pile of appalling CGI, cockamamie jokes and anemic voice work from an array of disinterested actors.

And while dogs are capable of falling in love, more often than not, that affection is directed at a human leg.  0 

Why Did I Get Married Too?

The motivation for men getting married is so that when they hit-on other women, they’ll see his ring and know that he is capable of commitment.

And while the impetuses behind the marriages in this drama are varied, the participants are having trouble remembering theirs.

When four married couples – Patricia (Janet Jackson) and Gavin (Malik Yoba), Sheila (Jill Scott) and Troy (Lamman Rucker), Angela (Tasha Smith) and Marcus (Michael Jai White) and Terry (Tyler Perry) and Diane (Sharon Leal) – reunite for their annual vacation, they spend the bulk of their time scrutinizing their problematic relationships. 

Things go awry, however, when Sheila’s ex-husband shows up looking to make amends.

The sequel to Why Did I Get Married, this conjugal continuation plods its way through its predecessor’s maudlin footsteps, dispensing off-kilter advice disguised as connubial sagacity.

Besides, if men were designed to be faithful, directly after getting married, their penis would retract.  0

Survival of the Dead

When stranded in the elements with no provisions, you have two choices in order to survive: drink your own urine or turn to cannibalism.

Unfortunately, since it’s impossible to accurately whiz into your own mouth, the survivors in this horror movie opted to eat humans.

In a zombie-infested world, two feuding families on an island quarrel over what to do with their infected inhabitants.

While O'Flynn (Kenneth Welsh) wants to kill them, Muldoon (Richard Fitzpatrick) wants to protect them until a cure can be found.

Banished to the mainland, O’Flynn then dupes a group of National Guardsmen into helping him overthrow Muldoon.

A sequel to The Diary of the Dead, this flesh-eating follow-up surpasses its predecessor with a more focused plot, although its production values are still bare bones.

And while an island seems like a safe citadel from zombies, as soon as they learn to jet ski you’re screwed.  0

Harry Brown

With their penchant for popping pills and aimlessly shuffling around shopping malls, young folks and senior citizens have a lot in common.

Unfortunately, both sides choose to focus on their differences rather than their similarities.

When his dear friend is brutally killed by a gang of teenage punks, ex-British Marine Harry Brown (Michael Caine) picks up the mantle of vigilante and begins cleaning up the streets of South London.

Systematically taking down purveyors of drugs, pornography and prostitution, Harry draws ever closer to the whippersnapper responsible for his friend’s demise.

Meanwhile, police detectives Frampton (Emily Mortimer) and Hicock (Charlie Creed-Miles) are also zeroing in on the suspect.

A visceral and well-acted thriller, Harry Brown is a disturbing portrayal of the pervasive problem of youth violence and the ruthless retribution it begets.

And while a war between teenagers and seniors is possible, their vastly differently sleeping schedules make it highly unlikely.  0

***Old Folks Song***

Tough Guys

The best thing about being a scrapping senior is that you don’t have to worry about getting any teeth knocked out.

And while the pensioners in this comedy don’t soak their dentures in Polident at night, they do still enjoy roughhousing.

Released back into society after serving a 30-year prison sentence, former gangsters Harry (Burt Lancaster) and Archie (Kirk Douglas) must learn to function in a world that has passed them by.

Unable to adjust, the aged ex-cons scheme to hijack a train to Mexico.

Meanwhile, a senile hit man (Eli Wallach) reinstates a 30-year-old contract on the two, with disastrous results.

Lampooning everything from retirement homes to the youthful workforce, Tough Guys is a riotous rendering of two rigid roughnecks forced to reside in a politically correct world.

And while it’s disrespectful to print jokes about seniors, so long as they’re not written in large print, they’ll never know.

He Performs Geriatricks. He's the...

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