He’s Humidexy. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of August 19, 2010
Summer romances are autumn’s abortions. First up….
The Last Song
Like their seasonal namesake, summer flings are sweaty, sleepless affairs that generally last for two-months before abruptly ending, leaving your body covered in strange rashes and bite marks.
Sadly, the summer tryst of the troubled teen in this romantic/drama ends on a much more tragic note.
Forced to spend the summer with her estranged/musician father (Greg Kinnear), the unruly, yet gifted, Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) is disgruntled.
Her gloomy disposition, however, doesn’t dissuade a local (Liam Hemsworth) from romantically pursuing her. Unfortunately, his efforts are trumped by news her father has cancer.
Layered with lachrymose love and loss motifs, The Last Song is typical Nicolas Sparks schmaltz made even worse by a lead actress whose awkward jaw is apposite evidence of her scene chewing abilities.
As for the best part of a summer romance: You only have to stay fit and look sexually attractive for, like, 12-weeks out of the year. 0
Furry Vengeance
If animals were capable of revenge, I’m pretty sure their first acts of vengeance would be to stage a human rodeo, followed by the clubbing of human babies.
Fortunately, for younger viewers, the retribution perpetrated on the humans in this family-comedy is jocular in nature.
When Dan (Brendan Fraser) is put in charge of a proposed new subdivision in the wilds of Oregon, he is quick to transport his apprehensive wife (Brooke Shields) and their two disgruntled children out there to live.
But his wife and kids aren’t the only ones upset with the move.
As the housing development encroaches on the forest, the local fauna begins to revolt.
Equally infantile in the humour and acting departments, Furry Vengeance is tailored-made tripe that will keep kids drooling well into their formative years.
What’s more, this displacement dilemma could easily be quelled if only woodland creatures could apply for mortgage loans. 0
Me and Orson Welles
In addition to the pronoun and Orson Welles, there’s probably a few Double Down Chicken Sandwiches involved here too.
And while, technically, the rotund auteur died before KFC revealed its abomination, his appetite for food and theater was insatiable.
Richard (Zac Efron), a teen with acting aspirations, hits it big when he lands a role in Welles’ (Christian McKay) stage production of Julius Caesar.
New to the playhouse, Richard receives pointers from the production assistant (Clare Danes), whom he takes a shine to. But her licentious relationship with Welles causes the love struck pup to lash out at his idol.
With McKay embodying the wit and arrogance of the wunderkind, this film is a treat for both theater and Welles fans.
And while live theater is terminal, Welles would be pleased knowing that the bard’s work is still performed every summer in a park next to a hot dog cart. 0
***Animal Riots***
Animal Farm
The worst part of an animal uprising would have to be clearing the mounds of pig poop from the streets afterwards.
Fortunately, the post-revolt clean up in this animated animal allegory is nominal, since it takes place on a farm.
When Old Major campaigns for a revolt against Mr. Jones, for control of Manor Farm, the livestock are rapt by the prudent pig’s philosophy of animal equality.
Unfortunately, in the days following the insurrection, the avaricious porker Napoleon takes control of Manor Farm as well as its riches, which are garnered through the hard work of the other animals.
Based on the novel by George Orwell, Animal Farm is a prototypical parable of an autocratic political system brilliantly told by means of animals. Though the animation is dated, Orwell’s ideology is ubiquitous throughout this portentous fairy tale.
As for a dictator pig, humans would quickly assassinate them with their teeth.
He’s Raising the Bar-B-Que. He’s the…
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