Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Dumb Luck Charm. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 1, 2013

I just found a four-leaf horseshoe. First up…

The Master

It is unfortunate after saving the world from Hitler that service men returned home only to doom it by creating Baby Boomers.

Fortunately, the seaman in this drama has consumed enough torpedo fuel to sterilize himself.

Due to shell shock and his penchant for paint-thinner, Freddie Quell (Joaquin Phoenix) has a hard time adjusting to life after WWII.

But Freddie’s skill with mind-melting moonshine finds him in the company of Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman), the founder of The Cause.

Welcomed to the movement, which includes Dodd’s wife (Amy Adams), Freddie becomes Dodd’s subject in psychological experiments.

But when Dodd’s dogma is doubted, Freddie’s faith in him is too.

With a volatile performance from Phoenix, this abnormal masterpiece is an absorbing assessment of a pseudo-religion and candid depiction of post-war America.

Incidentally, thanks to the vague teachings of “spirituality”, nowadays, people are no longer susceptible to cult-like religious movements. 0

Chasing Mavericks

Surfing is one of the few sports around that participants can actually urinate while performing.

Luckily, the young rider in this drama has an experienced boarder to teach him about creating that perfect warm spot.

After local surf legend Frosty (Gerard Butler) saves him from drowning Jay Moriarity (Jonny Weston) becomes obsessed with learning the long board like Frosty.

Years later, Frosty and Jay’s paths cross again. However, this time, Jay convinces Frosty to teach him how to surf the riotous waves breaking at the secret spot known as the Mavericks.

Along with Frosty’s unorthodox training methods, Jay must also contend with local bullies and his alcoholic mother (Elisabeth Shue).

Based on a true story, Chasing Mavericks lacks verve: the performances are flat, the story’s uninspiring and the surf scenes are subdued. 

Incidentally, the most important thing you can teach any young surfer is how to sing three part harmony.  0

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

The worst thing about being a vampire is thinking that you don’t have to wear condoms anymore, and then finding out that you do.

It appears the young bloodsucker in this romance also learned that lesson too late.

Picking up where its predecessor left off, Part 2 finds Bella (Kristen Stewart) embracing both her new life as a vampire and her new daughter, Renesmee (Mackenzie Foy), with Edward (Robert Pattinson).

But when word of the half-human, half-vampire child reaches Aro (Michael Sheen), he and The Volturi come to claim her.

Joining in the battle against the vampire guild is Bella’s former shape-shifting beau (Taylor Lautner) who has formed a bizarre bond with Bella’s rapidly growing newborn.

Thanks to its pedophiliac love story and cop-out ending, the final chapter of this excruciatingly dreadful epic exceeds its forerunners’ worthlessness.

Besides, human/vampire hybrids aren’t new; they’ve been running the Republican Party for years.  0

***Hang Loose Morals***

Beach Party

Teenagers hang out at the beach because it gives them an excuse when their parents ask how they got crabs.

Fortunately for parents, the anthropologist in this comedy is studying the sexual habits of teenage beach bums.

Through his telescope, uptight Professor Sutwell (Robert Cummings) scrutinizes the mating rituals of the juveniles that frequent a local surf spot.

But when Sutwell defends a teen, Dolores (Annette Funicello), from a biker, Von Zipper (Harvey Lembeck), he makes himself Von Zipper’s main adversary.

Meanwhile, Sutwell is caught in a love triangle with his assistant (Dorothy Malone) and Dolores, whose spiteful boyfriend (Frankie Avalon) is now romancing a waitress (Ava Six).

With cameos from Vincent Price and surf-guitar legend Dick Dale, this seaside romp set the standard for all silly 1960s surf movies that came after.

As for kinky foreplay at the beach, just have your partner pretend a jellyfish stung their face.

He Puts his Goofy Foot in his Mouth. He’s the…

Vidiot