Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Plight Attendant. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 8, 2013

Window seats lose their allure in a nosedive. First up…

Flight

The leading cause of airline disasters in North America is incandescence clouds of memorial Chinese lanterns.

Another reason for plane crashes is pixilated pilots, which this drama happens to be about.

Despite boarding his flight to Atlanta high on cocaine, Captain Whip (Denzel Washington) remains calm during a patch of turbulence.

While Whip celebrates by sleeping off the night before, his copilot (Brian Geraghty) takes the controls.

But Whip’s shuteye is suspended when the bird turns in to a nosedive.

To save the 102 souls aboard, he must break regulation and invert the plane so it does not crash.

Fortunately, 96 passengers make it. Unfortunately, Whip’s toxicology report reveals his struggle with alcoholism.

Tackling such timely topics as hero-worshipping, media scrutiny and airline safety with artistry, Flight also features Denzel Washington’s best performance in years.

Besides, nowadays, a slightly inebriated pilot is still the most sober person on a plane.  0

Alex Cross

The difficult part to being a psychologist/police officer is deciding if you should bill your client for time spent beating them with a phone book.

Sadly, the shielded shrink in this crime-thriller does not expound on his invoicing practices.

Detroit police lieutenant Dr. Alex Cross (Tyler Perry) and his partner Tommy (Edward Burns) are called to a crime scene where a businesswoman (Stephanie Jacobsen) was brutally murdered.

Following a clue left by the artistic assassin dubbed Picasso (Matthew Fox), Cross sets a trap at his next hit.

After Picasso eludes capture, Cross deduces that his true target is a billionaire (Jean Reno).

Angered by the detective’s constant meddling, Picasso focuses his crosshairs on Cross’ wife.

Full of retributive violence but low on tangible mystery, this adaptation of the popular literary character lacks a suspenseful script and a believable lead.

Besides, psychologist cops blame every murder on the killer’s mother.  0

Here Comes the Boom

In our modern schools educators are expected to perform more than one job function, i.e. art teachers are also bus drivers.

But in this comedy the biology teacher has a secondary career outside of education.

When the apathetic Mr. Voss (Kevin James) learns his friend’s (Henry Winkler) class will be cut due to budgetary constraints, he moonlights as an ESL instructor.

While tutoring a former MMA fighter (Bas Rutten), Mr. Voss - a former wrestler himself - is turned on to UFC.

Attracted to the sizable payday for merely losing, Mr. Voss begins training for the octagon.

After proving himself, he’s invited to an event where he stands to make $50,000 for beating a seasoned vet.

Loaded with MMA cameos and James’ brand of self-deprecating humour, Here Comes the Boom is a boilerplate underdog comedy.

Incidentally, there’s no better training for skull-cracking cage fighting than teaching at a public school.  0

***Air Marshall Law***

Turbulence

The word “turbulence” is just fancy airline jargon for the captain is drunk.

Unfortunately, the turbulence in this thriller is the result of the pilot being murdered.

Accused killer Weaver (Ray Liotta) and another convict board a Boeing 747 bound for L.A. accompanied by air marshals.

When the other con attacks the marshals, he inadvertently kills the pilot and copilot.

Now it’s up to a flight attendant, Teri (Lauren Holly), to take the controls of this hulking vessel.

In addition to steering it through a deadly electrical storm, and her general lack of landing knowledge, Teri must also contend with Weaver’s continuous attempts to sabotage the plane.

With a laughable plot, asinine acting and numerous implausible situations, Turbulence is a trip best traveled with plenty of airsickness bags.

Besides, a better escape plan for an air prisoner would be to act drunkenly belligerent until they kick you off the plane.

He’s an In-flight Movie Critic. He’s the…

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