He Re-reads Between the Lines. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of July 1, 2011
Book/Witch Burnings = 2 birds, 1 stone. First up...
Season of the Witch
Now, I’m not exactly sure which of the seasons belongs to the witch, but I’d venture it’s the one where it gets as cold as one of their tits.
While it’s ambiguous as to which month this fantasy is set, we do know it occurs during the Crusades.
Done with waging war in the Lord’s name, two knights, Behman (Nicolas Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman), desert.
On their way home, they come upon a plague-infested town, where they are incarcerated for abandoning their post.
Fortuitously, both are given a reprieve by a contaminated Cardinal, in exchange for escorting a supposed witch to an outlying monastery where she will be tried for witchcraft.
En route, the girl reveals her true ominous nature.
A contrived concoction of pious warmongering, witch-hunt hysteria and bad hairpieces, Season of the Witch is a laughable lark.
Besides, Christianity shouldn’t censure Wicca, since Jesus was a wizard. 0
Beastly
The best thing about being rich and having a marred face is that you can afford the finest potato sack masks money can buy.
Nevertheless, the affluent freak in this romance is more concerned with his former gorgeous self.
Blessed with beauty and a news anchor father (Peter Krause), Kyle (Alex Pettyfer) rules his school.
But when a teen-witch (Mary-Kate Olsen) curses him with scars, Kyle is cast out by his superficial father and sent to a remote condo.
Now, he has a year to get someone to love him, or he’ll remain this way.
Knowing he can’t get the same girls as before, he hones in on a former classmate/plain Jane (Vanessa Hudgens).
A modernization of Beauty and the Beast, Beastly is exactly that: the leads are terrible, the lines are cringe worthy and the plot is insulting.
Besides, women don’t care about a man’s looks if he’s rich. 0
Sucker Punch
The best way to get women to feel comfortable being inside of a mental institute is to design it after a shopping mall.
Unfortunately, the architects of the female nuthouse in this fantasy went with the more oppressive blueprints.
Admitted to Lennox House by her sadistic stepfather, Babydoll (Emily Browning) plunges into insanity after she’s scheduled to be lobotomized.
To avoid life in a vegetative state, she and her fellow female residents (Vanessa Hudgens, Jena Malone, Abbie Cornish, Jamie Chung) participant in nightly campaigns, headed up by a sagacious spirit (Scott Glenn), that takes them through otherworldly motifs, in search of five items that will help them escape.
With scantly-clad girls massacring samurais, dragons, and Nazis, this multi-level metaphorical mess is a meaningless meander through an adolescent male’s wet dream.
Besides, most of the crazy women inside a mental institute are only there because they suffer from being a woman. 0
Barney’s Version
The worst thing about getting an old person’s version of anything is that they’re going to use it as an opportunity to whine about the price of bus fare.
Fortunately, the bulk of this fictional biography is set when the protagonist isn’t so senile.
Barney (Paul Giamatti) is an opinionated television producer, with a penchant for booze, hockey and women, who’s accused of murder when his friend Boogie (Scott Speedman) disappears.
As the mystery unravels, so to does the shroud surrounding Barney’s romantic liaisons, including those with his emotionally imbalanced first wife (Rachelle Lefevre), his wealthy second wife (Minnie Driver) and his third wife (Rosamund Pike), whom he met at his second wedding.
Based on the book by Mordecai Richler, Barney’s Version is a well-acted, funny, somewhat monotonous, tale about a quirky Canadian malcontent.
And while complaining isn’t typical Canadian behaviour, it’s important to note that Barney is from Quebec. 0
***That Time of the Year***
Season of the Witch
Women gravitate towards Wicca, because unlike Christianity it doesn’t consider them to be the harbingers of sin.
Unfortunately, this horror movie about the earth-centric religion is not the best example of that aforementioned assertion.
Plagued with recurring nightmares of her traveling husband, bored housewife Joan (Jan White) seeks the spiritual counsel of her tarot card-reading neighbour (Virginia Greenwald), who is also the head priestess of the neighbourhood coven.
Convinced that she too is a witch, Joan goes a little nutty, which results in her using witchcraft to seduce her daughter’s TA, and get away with murder.
A psychological trip through the mind of a lonely housewife, Season of the Witch is a less-zombified movie than what director George A. Romero is known for; however, it’s just as insightful.
As for which one is hotter: zombie or witch? When you get Skyclad with a witch their decomposing genitals don't fall off.
He's a Smell-caster. He's the...
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