Vidiot
Week of October 21, 2011
You only live forever once. First up…
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Nowadays, everyone knows the real Fountain of Youth is found inside every bottle of Mountain Dew.
However, pirates in the 18th century – like the ones in this action movie – believed the life extending spring was more isolated and less urine coloured.
After disobeying the King of England’s order to find the famed elixir – alongside his rival Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) – notorious buccaneer Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) finds himself leading a black magic practitioner/pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) and his daughter (Penélope Cruz) on a similar expedition.
But in order to benefit from the fountain’s paranormal properties, Sparrow and crew must first obtain two goblets owned by Ponce de León and teardrops belonging to a mermaid.
The fourth installment of the Disney franchise, On Stranger Tides does steer the series back on course, but at the cost of becoming long in the tooth.
Seriously, only pedophiles still dress like Captain Jack for Halloween. 0
Bad Teacher
Nowadays, a bad teacher is someone who takes sexual advantage of your child and doesn’t give them better grades in exchange.
And while the middle school teacher in this comedy isn’t sleeping with her students, she isn’t teaching them either.
After her fiancé finds out that she is a gold-digger, Elizabeth (Cameron Diaz) must return to the school she just quit, humbled and humiliated.
Still desperate to leave academia, she sets her sights on a well-off substitute (Justin Timberlake), despite advances from the down-to-earth gym teacher (Jason Segel).
Convinced that breast implants will solve all of her problems, Elizabeth then begins concocting moneymaking schemes in order to realize her selfish dream.
With detestable leads, passive punch lines and an inane plot, Bad Teacher is simply a bad movie.
Besides, being a bad teacher doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it and, at least, teach your students some historical inaccuracies. 0
Monte Carlo
When travelling abroad, it’s important for Americans to remember that when in trouble, they can always get help at the nearest, bombed-out, US embassy.
However, the three Yankees in this romantic-comedy are the ones causing the trouble.
When her stepsister, Meg (Leighton Meester), compromises her and her friend’s Paris vacation, Grace (Selena Gomez) and Emma (Katie Cassidy) try to make the best of it.
When their tour turns out to be a drag, however, they ditch into a hotel where Grace encounters her exact double, an heiress (Selena Gomez).
After overhearing the socialite’s secret travel arrangements, Grace assumes her identity and takes full advantage of her scheduled trip to Monte Carlo.
While it follows the footsteps of other worldly girl movies, Monte Carlo differs from the bunch by basing its love stories around social class.
Furthermore, it proves that identity theft is only bad if the victim has massive debt. 0
Winnie the Pooh
Now what kind of sick game offers contestants the chance to win poo?
Oh, wait. This animated movie is about a gluttonous honey bear, not some kind of fecal covered first prize.
When Eeyore (Bud Luckey) loses his tail, all of the inhabitants of the Hundred Acre Wood – Owl (Craig Ferguson), Kanga (Kristen Anderson-Lopez), Roo (Wyatt Dean Hall), Rabbit (Tom Kenny), Piglet (Travis Oates), Tigger, Pooh (Jim Cummings) – begin searching for a replacement tail, with the winner receiving a pot of honey as a reward.
However, when the monstrous Backson kidnaps their human friend Christopher Robin (Jack Boutler), the hunt for Eeyore’s extremity is put on hold as the gang plans a rescue mission.
Narrated by John Cleese, with songs by Zooey Deschanel, this affable anthology of A.A. Milne tales has been modernized without being re-imagined.
But remember kids: While bears like honey in cartoons, in real life...they like you. 0
***Sea Through***
Blackbeard’s Ghost
For a pirate from the 1600s, the biggest shock on the high seas today would have to be the treasure trove: human trafficking.
And the while misplaced marauder in this comedy is interested in loot, it’s for charity.
When a college coach (Dean Jones) buys a bed warmer owned by the pirate Blackbeard’s wife, he finds a book of incantations inside and recites one.
In doing so, he resurrects the restless spirit of Blackbeard (Peter Ustinov), who has been cursed by his wife to remain in limbo until he performs a good deed.
Deciding to help save the local inn, Blackbeard’s bumbling antics instead expedite its transformation into a casino.
An optimistic take on the murderous pirate, Blackbeard’s Ghost is a zany romp that doesn’t skimp on classic live-action Disney charm.
However, now that pirates are harmless, does that mean we can drink liquids with the Jolly Roger on them?
He's a Hull of Famer. He's the...
Vidiot
No comments:
Post a Comment