He’s a Safeword Cracker. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of June 8, 2012
Universal safeword: Getoffmeyoucrazybitch! First up…
Safe House
At last! A safe home where children cannot fall down stairs, stick their tongues in outlets or get their heads stuck in toilets.
According to this thriller, however, a safe house isn’t the kind of place you’d want to leave a child for the day.
On the run from a hired gun, Vargas (Fares Fares), former CIA agent turned rogue terrorist, Frost (Denzel Washington) seeks asylum at the US consulate in South Africa.
Purported to possess a file containing Intel on the agency, Frost is sent to live with a rookie agent, Weston (Ryan Reynolds), in a safe house.
But when Vargas raids it, Weston must flee with the prisoner. Unfortunately, Frost isn’t so easy to contain.
While the plot is a familiar broth of incriminating documents, it’s the leads relationship and rapid-fire action that keeps Safe House protected.
Incidentally, living in an actually safe is not a safe place. 0
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
Not knowing what clothes to pack is the worst part of going to a mysterious island.
Thankfully, the island the folks in this action/adventure are heading to is a tropical one.
To bond with his stepson, Sean (Josh Hutcherson), Hank (Dwayne Johnson) lends his decoding skills to a cipher Sean’s received.
Once deduced, they’re left with a map to a secluded islet where Sean’s grandfather (Michael Caine) may still be alive.
Charting a helicopter, the pilot (Luis Guzman) and his daughter (Vanessa Hudgens) fly the stepfather and son to the island.
But when a storm rolls in, the whole group is left stranded on the uncanny island that’s populated by oversized predators.
Based on Jules Verne’s novel, this sequel to Centre of the Earth is a half-ass, effects-laden literary lesson, redeemed only by Caine and Johnson’s banter.
Worst of all, your travel vaccines are completely useless on a mysterious island. 0
The worst part of space travel is that your helmet and oxygen tank count as a carry-on.
Fortunately, the star traveler in this sci-fi movie doesn’t have to fly a commercial shuttle to get to his astral destination.
Accidentally transported to the planet Barsoom, or as he knows it: Mars, Civil War vet John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) finds himself embroiled in another civil war amongst Mars’ Red and Green inhabitants.
However, the warring cities hope for an accord through marriage is dashed when the princess (Lynn Collins) of Helium flees.
Back on Earth, Carter’s nephew Edgar Rice Burroughs (Daryl Sabara) studies his uncle’s personal notes in an attempt to unravel the mystery of his uncle’s apparent death.
Based on Burroughs’ first book in the Barsoom series, John Carter does contain stunning effects. However, its cornball acting is indefensible.
Besides, interplanetary travel in the 1800s was only obtainable through opium inhalation. 0
A true act of valor is marrying the widow of a dead soldier, raising his children and living off of his insurance policy until it runs out.
According to this action movie, however, it’s a more honorable act to leave your family behind.
A tight knit group of Navy SEALs (unnamed serviceman) is deployed to rescue a CIA agent being held captive in Costa Rica by a drug smuggler Christo (Alex Veadov) with ties to a Muslim terrorist who recently assassinated a US diplomat.
With the SEALs closing in, Christo’s partner puts in place his plan to send suicide bombers to America wearing vests lined with undetectable ceramic pellets.
While the masterfully executed action sequences are commendable, the hollow acting by the real life Marines and the deliberate recruitment propaganda is not.
Besides, the only benefit to military service is the complimentary American flag your spouse receives at your funeral. 0
***The Ming Dynasty***
The worst thing about Americans participating in interstellar space travel is that other planets will assume everyone from Earth is an asshole.
Fortunately, the transplanted Yank in this sci-fi film is more honorable than obnoxious.
When Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) and Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones) are visiting Dr. Zarkov (Topol), a scientist studying strange weather patterns, they are transported to the planet Mungo.
Ruled by Ming the Merciless (Max von Sydow), Flash soon finds himself at odds with the dictator, who is plotting Earth’s demise.
To overthrow the oppressor, Flash aligns himself with the planet’s feuding kingdoms: Prince Barin of Arboria (Timothy Dalton) and Sky City’s Hawkmen.
A 1980s version of Alex Raymond’s 1930 comic strip, this update of the space opera comes equipped with flashy effects, pulp plotlines and a score by Queen.
Besides, what’s more patriotic than convincing two warring factions to oust an autocrat for America’s benefit?
He’s a Canadarm Wrestler. He's the...
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