Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bonfire Eater. He’s the….

Vidiot

Week of December 2, 2016

Pioneers didn’t care about their hair reeking of campfire. First up…

 

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Pete’s Dragon

When your best friend is a dragon opening a crematory wouldn’t be such a bad business venture.

However, the preteen in this fantasy might not be ready to handle corpses just yet.

Raised by the fire-breathing Elliot after being deserted in the woods, Pete (Oakes Fegley) makes his first contact with humanity in 5 years.

Adopted by a conservation officer (Bryce Dallas Howard), her boyfriend (Wes Bentley) and her father (Robert Redford), Pete finally finds the family he’s fantasized about. But when a hunter (Karl Urban) gets wind of Elliot, Pete’s pal becomes a prized bounty.

Surprisingly darker than the original 1977 musical, this socially aware remake does happen to feature far superior special effects to its cartoon counterpart. However, those technological advances aren’t enough to imbue the furry CGI lead with any personality.  

Furthermore, now the woods are going to be crawling with barren women desperate to adopt feral children.  Red Light

 

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Don’t Breathe

The most dangerous aspect of a blind person’s house is their chaotically arranged furniture.

Which is why the burglars in this thriller shouldn’t walk around in the dark.

Hard up for cash after a deal goes south, Detroit hoods Rocky (Jane Levy), Money (Daniel Zovatto) and Alex (Dylan Minnette) decide to break into the residence of a blind vet (Stephen Lang) who has a large legal settlement stowed away inside.

However, the home invasion turns into murder when the sightless occupant begins offing the intruders to keep them from discovering what he has confined in his basement.

Enriched by a number of narrative twists, Don’t Breathe does a decent job of keeping up the tension and delivering the thrills. While some scenes can be construed as comical, the end result is a satisfying nail-biter.

Incidentally, blind people think that someone is in their house every time the TV is on.  Green Light

***Blind Man’s Buffett***

 

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Wait Until Dark

Since sunlight doesn’t matter to them, blind people should only work nightshifts.

Fortunately, the blind woman in this thriller doesn’t have a day job to worry about losing.

When a drug mule stashes an antique doll filled with heroin on her husband (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.) during his flight home, sightless Susy (Audrey Hepburn) becomes the unwilling victim to the thugs (Alan Arkin, Richard Crenna, Jack Weston) who come to her apartment looking for it.

In order to best the burglars, Susy exploits what remaining faculties she has by grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting all power to her place.

With a top tier cast, a slow-burner script adapted from the Broadway production and a gripping score courtesy of Henry Mancini, Wait Until Dark is a testament to the resilience of both women and the disable. 

Lastly, if you can’t steal from a blind woman maybe you shouldn’t be a criminal.

He’s Primary Colourblind. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Speaks in Forked Tongues. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of October 14, 2010

Fat lizards need to scale back. First up…

How To Train Your Dragon

Every manager knows the proper way to train a new employee is to have him or her interact with co-workers whilst wearing a nametag that reads: “My name is Trainee”.

Unfortunately, the nametag belonging to the trainee in this animated adventure has melted.

Raised by an autocratic Viking father (Gerard Butler), who doesn’t think he can become a proper dragon slayer, Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) tries desperately to impress him by bringing down an elusive dragon.

Unable to slay the injured beast, Hiccup instead nurses it back to health.

Now, it’s up to the unlikely pair to quell the fire-breathing feud between dragons and Vikings before both species are eradicated.

A rip-roaring ride through the skies, How To Train Your Dragon strikes a nice balance between action and humour.

Furthermore, it offers hope to those less successful dragon trainers out there whose healthcare providers refuse to cover any more skin grafts.  0

Splice

When splicing DNA from two different species it is important to remember to omit any “bad” genes, like obesity, poor eyesight, and watermelon seeds.

And while the genetic engineers in this sci-fi horror remembered to exclude those aforementioned heredities, they forgot to remove the “monster” genes.

Unwilling to rest on their laurels, successful splicers Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) take their DNA tampering to the next level by creating a humanoid hybrid.

Keeping their creation concealed from their benefactors, the two raise the rapidly developing amalgam on their own.

But as their offspring evolves into a short-tempered teen with extraordinary attributes, the makeshift mom and dad are left impotent in their progeny’s wake.

A caustic commentary on modern science, Splice effortlessly seams two subversive genres together in a way that is both smart and scary.

Unfortunately, it won’t stop me from opening my designer baby kiosk in the mall.  0

***Dragon Ballsy***      

Pete’s Dragon

From purple elephants to demonic spirits, every child has imaginary friends that no one else but them can see.

So, just because the folks in this live-action/animated feature can’t see Pete’s dragon, doesn’t mean that when it burps it won’t send them to the burn ward.

Fleeing his sadistic foster mother (Shelley Winters), an orphan, Pete (Sean Marshall), and his invisible dragon, Elliot, take refuge with a drunken lighthouse keeper (Mickey Rooney) and his daughter Nora (Helen Reddy).

But when Elliot’s intangible antics elicit unwanted attention from the townsfolk, Pete’s problematic parent comes looking for him.

A whimsical comedy about growing up, Pete’s Dragon can be a tad tacky at times, however, the innocuous musical numbers and the brilliantly belligerent performance from Mickey Rooney makes it worthwhile.

But why would an orphan choose to create an imaginary dragon to play with when they could easily imagine themselves up some parents?

He's Lukewarm-Blooded. He's the...

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