Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Da Bomb Defuser. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 25, 2012

Who wants the spoils of love? First up…

This Means War

When CIA agents say that they are seeing the same woman, it’s usually a prostitute they’re talking about.

However, in the case of the action-romance, the object of both of their affections is actually a non-working workingwoman.

Looking for a life-mate after accepting a sedentary position with the agency, sentimental Tuck (Tom Hardy) posts his profile online.

Elsewhere, Lauren’s (Reese Witherspoon) friend (Chelsea Handler) signs her up on the same site, and the two agree to meet.

On her way home after the somewhat successful rendezvous, Lauren meets FDR (Chris Pine), Tuck’s skirt-chasing partner.

Torn, Lauren decides to date both men, unaware that an old enemy of Tuck and FDR’s is out for revenge.

While the action’s tepid and the subplot mislaid, This Means War does land some laughs.

However, most times when a woman pits two men against each other, it’s the men who end up falling in love.  0

The Woman in Black

It makes sense for the Grim Reaper to be female: the black robe is flattering; the clientele is predominantly male; and you’re supermodel thin.

And though the drably dressed apparition in this horror movie isn’t death personified, she is taking lives.

Assigned to the countryside to deal with the estate of a deceased client, a lawyer, Arthur (Daniel Radcliffe), comes face-to-face with terror.

While working at the family manor, Arthur is vexed by the vile visage of a feminine specter that’s reputed to appear before a child dies by its own hands.

Soon enough, her appearance begets the death of a local girl, inspiring Arthur and a curious landowner (Ciarán Hinds) to investigate past occurrences.

Ominous, with an unconventional ending, this gothic horror opts to induce goose bumps instead of gag-reflexes.

Incidentally, with Arthur’s legal aid, the dead kids could mount a class action lawsuit against the woman in black.    0

Red Tails

It’s surprising that when African-Americans were allowed to fly fighter planes during WWII that the pilots didn’t just go attack the South.

But, instead of seeking revenge against their oppressive nation, the African-Americans in this action movie decided to defend it.

Up until 1944, Tuskegee Airmen, an experimental all-black fighter squadron, were only permitted to fly missions of low importance.  

After proving themselves, the regiment (Tristan Wilds, David Oyelowo, Elijah Kelley, Nate Parker) finally gets to the frontlines.

Mentored by Major Stance (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) and Col. Bullard (Terrence Howard), the flyboys make their benefactors proud flying secret security detail.

But soon the team’s personal problems begin to weigh them down.

While the aerial work is impressive, the dogfights aren’t enough to keep this poorly acted, historically inaccurate, discourteous farce aloft.

And just because the US Army allowed African-Americans to pilot planes doesn’t mean they permitted them to have parachutes.  0

***Death-tination***

Always

The worst thing about dying on a plane is that your last meal is an infinitesimal amount of complimentary pretzels and your choice of coffee, tea or juice.

Unfortunately, the fire-bomber pilot in this drama didn’t have enough time to decide his beverage before crashing.

While on his last dump of fire retardant, pilot Pete’s (Richard Dreyfuss) plane explodes mid-air.

Waking in the company of heavenly hairdresser (Audrey Hepburn), Pete is told of his afterlife’s purpose: to inspire a new pilot (Brad Johnson).

But when the rookie takes a shine to his widow (Holly Hunter), Pete persuades the newbie to volunteer for a dangerous mission in hopes he fails.

While Steven Spielberg’s remake of A Guy Named Joe, lacks the director’s grandiose style, it does contain heaps of his schmaltziness.

Besides, when you die in a plane crash you don’t go to heaven, you go into the survivors' intestinal tracks.

He's a Co-dependent Pilot. He's the...

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