He’s Ghost Shipwrecked. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of October 6, 2017
The lifeboats on ghost ships suck. First up…
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
Historically, pirates buried their fortunes in the holes of
the nearest whorehouse.
Real items of value, as confirmed by this adventure/fantasy,
were hidden.
To free his captive father (Orlando Bloom) from the Flying
Dutchman’s curse, Henry (Brenton Thwaites) must obtain Poseidon’s Trident. But
in order to pinpoint its whereabouts, he must first locate Captain Jack Sparrow
(Johnny Depp).
Meanwhile, an old adversary (Javier Bardem) from Jack’s past
has returned from the dead to exact his revenge as well as claim the
three-pronged spear for him and his ill-fated crew.
With pointless subplots and recurring characters thrown in
to convolute the narrative, this fifth chapter in the seafaring franchise
surpasses previous installments with ease. However that distinction doesn’t
mean that it’s still not a bloated rehash of plot points with a derivative
villain and a worn-out hero.
Incidentally, it’s more lucrative for pirates today to
hijack a Backstreet Boy cruise ship.
Yellow Light
A Ghost Story
Any ghost looking to be taken seriously needs to drape
themselves in clean linen.
Thankfully, the sheeted spook in this horror-drama is free
of biological stains.
After his untimely death C (Casey Affleck) returns to the
house he and his wife M (Rooney Mara) lived in so that he can haunt her. But
when she moves out he discovers he is bound to the house and its subsequent
tenants. When the land is sold to developers, C haunts the office building
built on the property. In fact his connection to the estate goes beyond time
itself.
A measured meditation on matter, marriage and what motivates
an apparition to haunt, this artistic take on the afterlife feels like an
authentic one. Although its scare-free script will test your patience the
payoff is profound.
Haunting your wife, however, is only fun until she needs you
to phase through a clogged toilet.
Yellow Light
***Pirate Shipping & Receiving***
Blackbeard’s Ghost
Pirating is the only occupation that regularly employs the
physical disabled.
However, the limbs of the scallywag in this comedy are all
intact.
When he wins an antique bed warmer that belonged to Captain
Edward Teach, a.k.a. Blackbeard (Peter Ustinov), a high school track coach
(Dean Jones) is suddenly haunted by the specter of the famed buccaneer.
Cursed by his wife to remain in Limbo until he performs one
good deed, the stout sailor agrees to help keep a local Inn - named after him -
out of the hands of a kingpin looking to build a casino in its place.
A goofy ghost story with a seminal comedic performance from stage
actor Ustinov and the trusted straight man routine from Jones, this classic
Walt Disney live-action fantasy is a footloose and fancy-free interpretation of
the bloodthirsty bootlegger.
Incidentally, the spirits of dead pirates tend to only haunt
boat shows.
He's the Lying Dutchman. He's the...
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