He’s the Dinner Theater of War. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of September 29, 2017
Robot wars are more acceptable to bet on. First up…
Transformers: The Last Knight
The worst thing about being a Transformer in the Dark Ages
was changing into a horse drawn sports car.
However, this sci-fi smash’em up maintains that they
actually morphed into mythical creatures.
With Optimus Prime missing and the military (Josh Duhamel)
after them, Earth’s remaining Autobots are forced into hiding with their human
protector Cade (Mark Wahlberg). It’s not until a robotic dragon knight from
Arthurian times bestows Cade with a powerful talisman that the fugitives are
able to fight back.
Meanwhile, the creator of the Transformers has returned to
drain Earth’s quintessence using Merlin’s (Stanley Tucci) staff.
While this fifth chapter features some iconic cameos from
the eighties animated series, it’s not enough to make up for the convoluted
plotline, the nauseating direction and the endless fisticuffs between warring
heaps of jumbled scrap metal.
Incidentally, the only medieval mechanical devices
Transformers could conceivably shift into would be chastity belts. Red Light
47 Meters Down
Sharks tend to avoid eating tourists in Mexico because of
their high alcohol content.
However, they’re making an exception for the sisters in this
aquatic thriller.
To get her sister Lisa (Mandy Moore) out of her break-up
funk, Kate (Claire Holt) proposes they go diving with sharks on their vacation.
Reassured by the captain (Matthew Modine) that the cage is safe, the
inexperienced drivers take the plunge.
When the wench towing the cage breaks, however, the girls
plummet 47 meters to the seabed. Stranded and surrounded by sharks, the
siblings struggle for their survival.
While the bad judgment of the two characters can be
troubling at times, the way in which this white-knuckler is able to evoke so
much terror from such a murky, banal setting as the ocean is enthralling, while
the twist ending is ingenious.
However, don’t let this movie influence your opinion on
Mexican made shark cages. Green Light
***Hello Nurse Shark***
Deep Blue Sea
If sharks were smart they’d be getting Shark Week royalties.
This thriller, however, maintains the motives of shrewd
sharks would be less financial.
When a test shark escapes from the submerged sea-lab where
it’s being studying for an Alzheimer’s cure, the financial backers send down a
company man (Samuel L. Jackson) to investigate.
His inquiry uncovers the scientists have increased the
sharks brain mass causing them to revolt. Trapped below the waves, the
remaining survivors (Stellan Skarsgård, Thomas Jane, LL Cool J) must keep the genetically
enhanced animals from independence.
More hilarious than horrific, this Renny Harlin directed
creature feature is as corny today as it was in 1999. While it was one of the
first movies to showcase digital sharks, it also came with hollow acting and a
horrendous soundtrack from LL Cool J.
Lastly, the best way to dumb down acute sharks is with heavy
doses of marijuana.
He’s a Ballpeen Hammerhead Shark. He’s the…
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